Who Am I?

by Long Haired Hippy Freak, Doom Bunny & Upright

The Stranger glanced in the mirror to fix his jacket. He brushed his hair out from in front of his eyes and straightened his tie. He picked up the lint brush and began patting his suit all over. Captain Dick stuck his head in the door.

"Are you fucking ready yet?"

"Just another second. I have to look my best for the GHC Subcommittee."

"Why? It's just a fucking banquet."

"But it's with the heads of the Subcommittee! Aren't you nervous?"

"No. Why should I be?"

"Aren't you afraid of saying something to offend them?"

"No. Now just hurry the fuck up! I'm going to check on our escorts. I think Nice Alice is ready, but who can tell with Carlotta."

The first and second in command of the Galactic Hero Corps walked down the hall to Nice Alice's quarters. Captain Dick was glad that he had made it clear that Nice Alice was his date for the evening. There was no way that he was going to have to sit next to Carlotta for an entire banquet, as if she'd sit still in one place.

After Dick knocked, the door opened and out stepped Nice Alice looking very, very nice.

"Don't you look nice tonight," she told them.

"Thanks Alice," The Stranger blushed.

'Hey Stranger," Dick began his order. "Go get Carlotta, we've got to move if we're gonna make it to that banquet." Dirk Daring was being put in temporary command since they were leaving.

The Stranger hesitated before going to Carlotta's room. Last time she had answered the door completely naked with a cup of coffee in her hand. Gathering up his courage, he walked down the hall to her room.

Rap, rap, rap.

The door opened and there stood Carlotta dressed in sweats and a tanktop. The Stranger was relieved and yet disappointed at the same time. "Carlotta, we've got to get to that party and you're not ready."

In a flash of light, Carlotta was naked and then clothed again. This time she was in jeans --shorts and a sweater.

"We're getting closer."

The Stranger checked his watch. "Maybe you can just change on the way, okay Carlotta? I really don't want to be late for this. If things go well, I may get in good with some of those Committee members. And then when it comes time for a promotion, I may be chosen as one of the next members on the Subcommittee."

"Don't get your hopes up, Stranger," replied Carlotta, who was now standing in the doorway in a long, lacy blue dress.

"That's just more of your nonsense, right Carlotta?" Carlotta just smiled blankly. "Right Carlotta?"

"Come on, you fuck!" yelled Captain Dick from down the hall. The Stranger grabbed Carlotta's gloved hand and dragged her down the hall.

"Okay," started Captain Dick as he buttoned up his jacket. "The limo's here. Now don't make a fool out of me, Stranger. And Carlotta... " He glanced at Carlotta's blank features. "Carlotta, just keep your mouth shut, okay?"

"Even if I need to warn you about the bomb that will be placed at our table if The Stranger orders a beer?" A horn beeped from outside.

"Let's go!" Captain Dick opened the door for Nice Alice. The Stranger followed with Carlotta floating behind him. Captain Dick grabbed Carlotta by the hand and spun her toward him. "Don't fucking embarrass me, got it?"

Carlotta made a zipping motion across her lips, than pretended to lock them. She reached out and handed Dick a small silver key, winking.

"I'll have a beer," The Stranger ordered when they were at the banquet.

Captain Dick, Nice Alice, and Carlotta sat next to him at the table. There was an assortment of politicians and other brown --nosers around the banquet hall. Carlotta was eyeing the waiter suspiciously.

"What's wrong Carlotta?" The Stranger asked. He just knew that she was going to embarrass them and screw up his chance for a promotion. Why couldn't the Corps have more female members. At least now he could give Captain Dick some more reasons as to why he should hire more women.

"That beer will taste like a bomb, Strange."

"Should I have ordered wine instead?"

"You'd better just watch for the soccer ball, it will have quite a kick."

"Hey!" Captain Dick yelled. "Do you two want to quit gabbing and start waving and nodding to the Subcommittee members?!"

Suddenly the room was filled with applause. People began standing as a short man with glasses walked up to the podium.

"Who's that?" asked The Stranger.

"That's Shleprock Caesar, the President of the Subcommittee. He's the guy who sends us the pay checks."

"Really?" The Stranger stood up and began applauding emphatically. "Yea! Three cheers for Mr. Caesar! Whoo --eee! Whoo --eee!" Captain Dick slapped The Stranger in the back of the head.

"Shut --up and sit down you stupid fuck."

The Stranger sat down as the rest of the audience grew quiet. Boy, Carlotta was right, he thought as he began to feel drunk from the few sips of beer he'd had. He glanced over at her. Boy, she sure looks sexy in that dress, he thought. He reached over and put a hand on her knee.

"What are you doing after dinner, baby?" he asked.

"After your funeral, you mean?"

"Umm, whenever you're free."

"Just listen to the man, Stranger." Carlotta removed The Stranger's hand as Shleprock Caesar began to speak.

"Welcome to our annual benefit to support our favorite protectors of the galaxy, the Galactic Hero Corps!" Thunderous applause filled the room. "I'd like to welcome Captain Dick and The Stranger, and the two lovely ladies they're with, to our dinner." More applause followed.

"Speech!" yelled someone from the back of the room. More yells of encouragement for a speech followed. The Stranger began to stand. Captain Dick grabbed his shoulder and yanked him down. He stood up instead.

"No," The Stranger screamed. "I want to make the speech!"

The crowd became silent as all eyes were on the heroes.

"Will you fucking sit down!" Captain Dick ordered, not realizing that the whole room was looking at him. "You don't need to impress any of these lazy fucks!"

The Stranger tried to stand up again, but Carlotta tripped him. "Hey! What do you think you're doing, I've got to make my sp --"

An explosion ripped through the room, interrupting The Stranger's complaint. If he hadn't of been lying on the ground, the blast would have ripped his head off.

"Okay folks, party's over!" This announcement came from an oddly dressed individual in the back of the room. He definitely looked like a villain.

A few people in the back of the room began excitedly clapping their hands, thinking the Corps had arranged this before dinner show. A few people near the sight of the explosion didn't do anything because they were dead.

"Now! If you'll all just hand over the contributions you were going to make to the Galactic Hero Corps to my henchmen as they come to your table, everything should go smoothly."

"Go get that fuck, Stranger. Stranger?" Captain Dick looked around. The Stranger was laying on the floor looking up Nice Alice's dress. Captain Dick kicked him in the ribs. "Go get that idiot!"

"What can I do?"

"Sneak around the back of him while I distract him."

"Okay." The Stranger began crawling from table to table toward the villain. Captain Dick stood up.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Ah, the famous Captain Dick. I was hoping you'd be here. Let me introduce myself." The man stood to his full height. His body armor gleamed in the light from the chandelier. He hefted a huge gun up in his right arm. His right eye glowed from within the metal covering the right side of his face. "I am... Lable!"

"Lame --O?" asked Captain Dick.

"Lable, dammit! And you better watch your back! You may have never heard of me before, nobody probably has, but I'm going to be the Galactic Hero Corps worst nightmare in the years to come. You'll all wonder at my secret past! Who am I? Where did I come from? How come none of your group can stop me even though I seem to be completely inexperienced? You thought you're group didn't have any major arch enemies, did you? Well, now you're going to have all you can handle with me and my henchmen, the Centennials!"

"Now, Stranger!" screamed Captain Dick.

The Stranger leapt through the air. Unfortunately he had not calculated the proper angles and velocity, so he landed with a plop about four feet in back of Lable. Thunderous applause could be heard from the crowd.

"Ha ha. See, you are no match for me. You can't even concentrate properly since my mysterious past is putting so many questions into your head. Don't you wish you knew who I was?"

"Hey," Captain Dick exclaimed. "Aren't you that guy that tried to apply for a job with the Corps, but we turned you down because we already had enough people who couldn't do jack --squat."

"Shut up!" Lable screamed. "You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you? The enigma is gone. At least you don't know why I call myself Lable!"

Captain Dick thought a second. "What were you doing, looking through old comic books or something, trying to emulate a name from there?"

"Shut up you bastard! Centennials, get them!" Lable's henchmen sprinted toward Captain Dick. The Stranger picked himself up from the floor.

"I'll nab Lable!" offered The Stranger, remembering how inept that man applying for membership had been. This'll be easier than taking out Bill, he thought. The Stranger ran at Lable. A laser appeared in Lable's hand almost faster than thought. He fired and The Stranger was knocked across the room.

"Hah! You thought you had me figured out, hunh? Well, that's part of my plot against you! Every time you think you know who I am, you really won't! I'm Lable!"

Wait, aren't I the guy who applied for a job at Galactic Hero Corps and couldn't do jack --squat? thought The Stranger as he picked himself up.

"Ah, by the look of your teammate, Captain Dick, he has fallen into the second stage of my plan: self --doubt!" Captain Dick looked back at The Stranger. The Stranger was frozen in place while trying to think of something good about himself. And then Captain Dick was buried in Centennials.

Or so the Centennials thought. Surrounding Captain Dick from all sides, six Centennials leapt, screaming in victory.

"YEAH!"

The screams were cut short abruptly as they smashed their heads together.

"OOF!"

Captain Dick floated nonchalantly above them, arms crossed and staring at Lable calmly. He shook his head and said, "You know what Lable? Your pathetic attempt to be a villain is over as of now!"

Dick smirked. The audience applauded.

Lable snarled. "Don't label me, Dick! For you've just fallen for my trap -- the third stage of my awe inspiring, overwhelming villainous plan! The Centennials were just my diversion! Now, meet my real team -- Y Force!"

Five figures stepped out from five different doorways around the room. Spotlights, which Lable had installed, shined down on each one. The crowd erupted in excited applause.

"Meet Pulverine!" Lable gestured toward a man polishing long steel fingers and a wild hair --do. A cigar hung limply from the side of his mouth. Some of the crowd whistled.

"I'm gonna... uh... uh... beat you up," croaked Pulverine.

"Meet Robe!" Lable gestured to a sexy woman standing in a very revealing short see --through red robe. A lot more of the crowd whistled.

"Meet EyeDrops!" A man stepped up. His face was a mess of hundreds of eyes. Red radiation leaked from each and shot wildly about the room. Some of the crowd whistled. Some of the crowd died.

"Meet Liceman!" Another man, covered from head to toe in lice, stepped up and waved to the cheering crowd.

"I don't even need to wear clothes!" Liceman announced, smiling.

"And last, but certainly not least -- Feast!" A tremendous, hairy fat woman weighing in at 1000 pounds at the least was wheeled in. Captain Dick gaped.

"Aren't you, I mean, uh, didn't you die in Houston?" Captain Dick was still dealing with the legal hassles of the accidental death of Gloria Fetterman, aka "Taboo."

"Boy, she's fat!" announced The Stranger.

"I almost did die because of you and your fool Corps! But miraculously, instead of dying in the explosion, I gained super --human powers! Can you believe that?"

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! You should be dead," argued Captain Dick.

"But I'm not! I was touched by the hand of God!"

"She is sooooooo fat!" screamed The Stranger.

"Enough!" shouted Lable. "Y Force, destroy them!" Pulverine scrambled over the tables to get to Captain Dick. Robe spread her robe, revealing too much, and flew at The Stranger.

"I'll reform the faggot," she said. The Stranger's tongue fell out of his mouth as he watched her nakedness float toward him.

Feast was being wheeled toward the center of the room where all the action was beginning to take place. But the nurse wheeled her too close to the buffet. Feast launched herself from the wheelchair and splashed down in the middle of the meatballs and potato salad.

Liceman stood in the doorway scratching himself while EyeDrops continued to kill people at random on his way to kill Captain Dick.

Pulverine was the first to reach Captain Dick. He leapt in the air, grabbing Captain Dick by the ankles with his long fingers and began pulling him down.

"Stranger! You better get your ass over here and help me out!"

Robe floated down in front of The Stranger. "How do you like this, queerboy?" She turned and flashed him her ass. The Stranger reached out and touched it. Robe turned back around and slapped him across the face. The Stranger fell back, trying to hide the excitement he was feeling by crossing his hands over his crotch. I hate spandex, he thought.

"Your teammate has fallen, Captain Dick. And you will soon. Hold him still, Pulverine." Lable aimed his laser at Captain Dick's head. "This is where the villain usually says something witty but I won't lower myself to that common crowd because I'm from a... well, yeah, that's supposed to be secret, so, so, just because I'm Lable." He pulled the trigger.

"AAGH!" screamed Captain Dick, clutching at his head. "What is this strange and twisted weapon!"

Lable snickered. "This is my memory distillation laser. I can take all your memories and load them up to my sensationally secret spaceship sized computer -- The Teacher! These memories will reveal all the things I will need to know to conquer -- but that's to be found out later!"

"Tell us now, Lable!" screamed the audience.

"Ha! Wouldn't you like to know! You'll have to find out in a future issue, won't you!" Lable's eye brightened. "Is Captain Dick doomed? Will The Stranger break free of Robe's mind tangling grip? Who is Lable? What is his nefarious plan? Where's the Galactic Hero Corps? How long will this story line last? Will Marvel raise the price of its comics another quarter like they always do? Is this the cross over event of the year? The century?"

"Well," began Schleprock Caesar, straightening his eyeglasses, "let me tell you this, Lable. I will never, ever, buy into another crossover again, do you hear? Especially Marvel. Man, they had those stupid 22 issue crossovers in the last century, and THEY SUCKED. Like "Maximum Carnage." I mean, who cares what happens to those guys. We all know who comes out on top, and that's the good guys!"

The audience applauded.

Lable was horror stricken. "But -- but you've got to buy the next issue, it's gonna be so good! You'll learn things, like secret origins and stuff!"

The Stranger forgot about Robe. "What is he talking about? Am I in a comic book? Is his monologue one of those things where the writer of the story talks about the story as if it was real life and if this was only a story it might happen this way instead of it happening different because it's real life even though it really is a story? No, I'm a real person! In a comic book story, the hero, me in this case, wouldn't be getting his ass kicked by a girl. But that kind of thing happens in real life all the time, so this must be real. Unless what I just said was one of those things that writers do. Oh who cares, check out those hooters!" Robe was bending over to pick him up, her breasts swinging erotically underneath her see --through robe. Oh man, do I hate spandex.

Robe picked up The Stranger and tossed him onto the buffet table. The Stranger shook his head to clear it. That's when he saw the immense figure of Feast slowly crawling toward him, mouth first. She was inhaling everything in her path. The Stranger began pulling himself backward through the Jell --o as Feast came relentlessly on. His back bumped up against the end of the buffet case. He was trapped in the dessert. Feast's swaying jowls were coming up on his feet fast.

"Oh God Captain Dick, help me!" A pair of hands fell on his shoulders and yanked him from the green Jell --o just as Feast slurped it up. The Stranger looked back to see Nice Alice standing there.

"Alice! I forgot about you and Carlotta! You have to save Captain Dick! I'll stop Robe!" The Stranger turned back toward the half --naked woman. Nice Alice grabbed him again.

"No, Stranger. I'll take care of that poor girl. You help Captain Dick." The Stranger looked at the enormous man holding Captain Dick and then back at the slender Robe.

"No, you save Dick. I'll get her."

"No, no. Go on Stranger." Nice Alice shoved The Stranger toward Captain Dick. He stumbled forward, right into the path of EyeDrops' lasers.

"Yikes!" he exclaimed as several lasers skinned his head.

"... " said EyeDrops, shaking his fist menacingly at The Stranger.

"Oh yeah?" The Stranger had had enough. He ran up to EyeDrops and punched him in the eye.

"... " screamed EyeDrops, trying to clasp his black eye but having a problem finding which one it was.

Lable, who had taken his finger off the trigger of his memory distillation laser in the wake of his dismay, screamed out, "Oh man, I forgot to pull the trigger again!"

"All right, you pathetic fucks, its time for you to die!" screamed Captain Dick, shaking his leg free of Pulverine's grip.

"I'll, uhm, uh, kick your ass," growled Pulverine, watching Captain Dick charge Lable.

"Ha! Right now, you are thinking, 'What are his moronically mysterious powers? How do you defeat a man who has no past? Who is Lable! Does he have a phone -- UHG!'" Lable was interrupted with a Captain Dick fist to the stomach.

"Only thing I'm wondering, Lamer, is when you gonna shut your funky shit filled trap!"

Liceman tackled Dick from behind. "You can't do that to him! It hasn't been approved by the editors!" Lice crawled up and down Dick's body. The lice that had crawled over to Captain Dick quickly realized the great potential in this new frontier. They communicated quickly with their pals on Liceman's body, discussing the enormous amount of sweat that was produced on the new stress --filled land they had conquered. The lice on Liceman's body, jealous of the new freedoms and vast amount of empty space to cover, quickly followed their brethren. Within seconds, Liceman was completely naked and Captain Dick was rolling crazily on the floor, trying to scratch everywhere at once.

"I've lost all my powers!" screamed Liceman, falling to his knees and pulling at his hair.

Lable scooted away from Captain Dick in disgust. He aimed his memory distillation laser at The Stranger. "You won't be a Stranger for long! I'll soon know all about you, while you still know next to nothing about me!" He fired. "Now I'll load up The Teacher with all the memories of the Galactic Hero Corps' second in command. The next time we meet, I will know all of your secrets!" The Stranger clutched at his head as the memories of every job he had ever failed to hold were stripped from his mind.

"I'll... uh... uh... I'll kill you!" screamed Pulverine as he charged the podium where Schleprock Caesar stood.

"Captain Dick! Help me!" Schleprock ducked behind the podium as Pulverine tore it apart with his steel claws. EyeDrops followed close behind.

"Leave him alone! He's not one of them! Get that weird bitch!" Lable pointed at Carlotta who was spinning in the air with silver and gold bubbles floating about her body. EyeDrops and Pulverine turned and ran at her.

"Don't worry, dear, it'll be all right." Nice Alice put her coat over Robe's shoulders. "You don't need to degrade yourself in this manner. Women don't have to use their bodies to gain power over men."

"But, I don't know what else to do! I'm so gorgeous. My body has always got me what I wanted."

"Well, let's go talk about it while we get you dressed." Nice Alice walked out of the room with Robe under her arm.

The Stranger clutched his head, screaming at the memories so vivid, so excruciatingly vivid, as if they had all occurred yesterday:

"My patients! My patients! Dying patients!"

YOU ARE FIRED!

 

"No one would kill his mother... except HIM!"

YOU ARE FIRED!

 

"I may be a WHORE.."

YOU'RE

...but I wouldn't do THAT...

SO

... for even TEN BUCKS!"

FIRED!

The Stranger was in agony -- long suppressed, his past life came flooding back to haunt him. He'd never been able to hold a job. Even the army had given up on him, and you know it's real bad if the army gives up on you.

The Stranger clutched his head harder. Lable laughed.

Then, The Stranger had a profound experience. He saw the future in the past. He saw that he would be fired in the near future, if he wasn't killed first (subtle hint!).

"No!" he screamed, staggering to his feet with a heroic effort! Still clutching his head, he bumbled his way over to Lable, who was busy scanning the data he'd gained from The Stranger's memories.

"Nothing!" cried out Lable, not believing his data. "You're the second in command of the most powerful superhero force in your universe, and you know nothing!"

"I... hate... you!" screamed The Stranger, striking at Lable with his forehead, since his hands were still clutching his ears.

The Stranger missed. "What? I don't get it?"

Lable laughed once again. "Of course you don't! What are the mysterious ways of Lable? What are his MOs? What are his intentions?"

Captain Dick, still scratching the lice off his butt, saw The Stranger's failed attack. "It's like the fuck has no fucking perspective or something! As if he were all out of proportion or something!"

"What does that mean?" asked The Stranger, forgetting about his recent trauma with the memory gun. "What do you mean, out of proportion? Proportion with what? How come I'm so confused lately?"

"What do you mean, 'lately'?" Captain Dick stood up and looked around the room. Feast was lying bloated by the buffet table, snoring. Liceman was crying in the corner, having recently lost all of his power. Robe and Nice Alice were gone. That left EyeDrops and Pulverine. Both were busy trying to grab Carlotta as she spun in the middle of the air in the center of the room. She'll keep them busy, he thought, while I take care of Lable. Captain Dick turned back to Lable and The Stranger. Lable had The Stranger in a headlock and was just plain kicking his ass.

"All right, drop him, Lable. Let's fight this out, one on one." Lable dropped The Stranger to the floor and stepped up to Captain Dick.

"You think you can trick me that easily? I'm a super --genius! I know you wouldn't go far without the rest of the Corps nearby to save your skinny ass if things go bad. I know they're here somewhere." Lable looked around the room cautiously. Captain Dick punched him in the jaw. Lable stumbled backwards, falling over The Stranger.

"I've got him!" screamed The Stranger as his legs tangled up with Lable's.

"Damn! I just fell for the oldest trick in the book! I've been in a zillion crossovers and nobody's ever got the drop on Lable. I must have underestimated this Galactic Hero Corps, seeing as how I'm so popular that every other comic book wants to cross --over with me. Being so popular takes up all my time! Not to mention the eight titles of my own, I just didn't have enough time to figure this team out." Lable kicked The Stranger away from him and stood back up. "But that's why I'm sucking your memories! So that next time we meet, I'll have the upper hand!"

"You're so fucking pathetic, Lable!" screamed Captain Dick. "Just try and get the upper hand with my fucked up memories of the Corps! I'd like to see you fucking try!"

Lable considered Captain Dick calmly with his mysteriously glowing eye. "Hmmmm."

"That's telling him, Captain Dick!" screamed somebody from the dinner crowd, who was enjoying the show immensely.

"Yeah, get him Cap!" yelled The Stranger, shaking his fist at Lable.

"Screw crossovers and all the other bull publishers pull to suck our pockets dry!" screamed one woman.

"Yeah!" roared the entire assembly.

Captain Dick smirked. "You've lost, Lable, you pathetic fuck."

Lable considered everyone with his mysteriously glowing eye again. "Hmmmmm."

Nice Alice entered the hall with Robe, who was now dressed in a nice, conservative dress. "Everybody," she announced, "meet Nancy!"

"Hi Nancy!" everybody said.

"Hi," she said, clearly embarrassed.

"Robe!" roared Lable, "what in the name of continuity are you doing! Where's the flesh, the shine of oiled skin in the soft lights? Where's the tight clothing, which may as well not be there for all that it hides? Why in God's name are you leaving your body open to every young man's imagination? Our publisher doesn't want imagination! Our publishers want money!"

"Leave her alone!" called out Nice Alice indignantly. "Nancy is a nice girl who just wants to live a normal life in our universe! She's tired of being an object, and sick of being cold all the time. So, if you're going to be a Mister Huffy, I believe you know your own way out." Nice Alice crossed her arms and tilted her nose away from Lable.

Lable was flabbergasted. "You -- you don't want me here? But, I'm, like, sure fire money! Other publishers would kill to get me in one of their universes!"

Nice Alice huffed. "Well, we certainly don't need that kind of attention to sell books!"

Lable sneered. "That's because the only people who read your books are stupid and boring! Just like this universe is stupid and boring!" Lable swept his hand over all the crowd dramatically. "Just like these people and these heroes! STUPID AND BORING!"

"Hey there!" cried out somebody.

"Who you calling stupid?" called out The Stranger defiantly, chin up. "And, boy, if you think we're boring," he added deftly, smiling at his cleverness, "well, just look at you!"

Lable shook his head. "Man, this sucks. Come on, Y --Force, and collect the Centennials. This world, this universe, is not for us. No, we were meant for battles, and action, and flesh. Not this. Not this living death!" Dramatically, Lable rose up before the small force of action packed heroes, waved his arms, and disappeared.

"Wait!" wailed Captain Dick. "You forgot Feast!"

"HAHAHA!" came the distant and fading laughter of Lable from another universe.