Conservative Chicks
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Female Conservative Columnists are the latest fetish among those old, fat, racist, white-collared, upper-middle-class-or-higher bastards who argue against socialized medicine by day and beat their tiny pee-pees to the tune of power fantasies involving the following photos (accompanied by some of the words that turn these pervs on) late into the night:

Linda Bowles
Adjudged "Handsome"

"I would not be at all surprised to see John Walker Lindh appear on stage as the keynote speaker at the next Democrat National Convention." -- Johnny Taliban, 2/5/02

"We don't need uninformed, petty sideline sniping by the liberal media." -- A Leader Emerges, 9/18/01

"You must change your name. You are now Abdullah Babu Cleanton, candidate from Harlem to become president of the United States." -- An Open Letter to Bill Clinton, 8/21/01


Mona Charen
Adjudged "Handsome"

"Mom, when you were a little girl, people didn't think women could be firefighters, did they?"

I knew immediately that his teacher, a lovely lady of decidedly liberal outlook, was instructing her charges on the wonderful progress of civilization.

"Well," I said, "I'm still not sure I think women firefighters are a good idea." -- Hooray for Men, 12/13/01


Ann Coulter
Adjudged "Very Handsome"
(proving that pancake make-up does hide beards)

"National Transportation Safety Board and Federal Aviation Administration officials investigating the crash of American Airlines Flight 587 are now ruling out slavery or Indian dispossession as the cause." -- The Mind of a Liberal, 11/15/01

"Women -- and I don't mean to limit that to the biological sense -- always become hysterical at the first sign of trouble. They have no capacity to solve problems, so instead they fret. But despite the fearful fifth columnists whiling away the war naysaying America's response, we will win this war. You just stay warm, girls … the men are fixing the car." -- The Eunuchs Are Whining, 11/1/01


Suzanne Fields
Adjudged "Handsome"

"Barbie's mommy is dead. Long live Barbie." -- Toying With Barbie for All Seasons, 5/6/02

"Chomsky interprets American history as one long continuum of American terrorism. He mixes lies with anti-American rhetoric, equating terrorism against the United States with American military action against communists in Central America and terrorists in the Middle East. Anyone who has a minimum of knowledge and understanding of what's really going on in the world could easily refute his rant, but who knows history?*" -- The 'Achilles Heel' of History Education, 5/20/02 (*Hint: She doesn't.)


Michelle Malkin
Adjudged "Hot"
(relative to the rest of the she-males, that is.)

"The People's Republic of Berkeley, Calif., wasted no time in returning to its business as usual: stifling political dissent under the guise of "tolerance," stamping out every last ember of patriotism for the cause of "peace," and hating America while greedily feasting off the fruits of freedom so lovingly tended by their fellow countrymen....

"Only in Berkeley can the treacherous be treated as American heroes as their leftist ideology fails around the world." -- Berkeley vs. America, 9/21/01


Oliver North
Adjudged "Handsome"

"Just as Bill Clinton never missed an opportunity to apologize for America while in a foreign land, Carter used the unique occasion of a televised speech to the Cuban people to attack America, saying the United States "is hardly perfect in human rights" and denounced the "very large number of our citizens" in prisons." -- Carpe Diem, 5/17/02


Kathleen Parker
Adjudged "Handsome"

"Did I make up this story? Of course not. Why would I? ... I was told the story, as I explained in the original column, by one of Eileen's family members. Another family member repeated the story again. I believed them....

"... In journalism, the rule is this: 'If your mother says she loves you, check it out.' I didn't check it out enough." -- I've Been Stung by a Wasp -- and I Owe an Apology, 1/3/02


Debra Saunders
Adjudged "Handsome"

"'You're ugly,' some nasty liberals have written to me. OK, so that's the best argument their feeble minds could construct -- but they're only saying what others think, but know better than to say." -- The Big L: Looks, 2/18/02

"So, I've decided to let the tenor of the campaigns determine how I'll vote on the [Racial Privacy Initiative]. I don't like what RPI would do, but I dislike even more how nasty the opposition is likely to get." -- Colorblind Bind, 5/3/0


Debbie Schlussel
Adjudged "Very Handsome"
(can you say "elective surgery"?)

"NAAFA hails fat celebrities, like actress Camryn Manheim, author of New York Times best-seller "Wake Up, I'm Fat." Wake up, you're disgusting." -- Fat Chicks, Lighten Up, 11/12/01

"To add insult to injury, viewers of Lee’s movies are consistently forced to endure his visage. Unlike real movie directors -- satisfied to direct their masterpieces behind the camera -- the vain, shameless self-promoter Lee insists on being an actor in most of his movies. Talk about craving attention." -- Racist Spike Lee: Kmart's Bankrupt Messenger, 3/7/02



As this conclusive study shows, most conservative womens are actually schlong-dangling dudes with "issues" (especially Debbie Schlussel and Anne Coulter -- PEEEE-YOOK). Whether it's because they're among that subset of men-turned-women who changed genders because they hate themselves (which explains their abnormal conservative attitudes in a world in which only the liberal element would embrace them), or just a freak accident of history, genetics and upbringing, we may never know.

But this much we do know: I have the good sense to tell a fine-lookin' woman from a horse-faced bitch, as 81,309 men have confirmed.

Thank you. Good night.

Brent Johnson,
May 24, 2002

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