What if Arkansas were on Survivor?

Whenever some state in the U.S. does something completely asinine, I've often thought to myself, "Damn, we really need to get rid of that lousy state." Florida was a prime example during the recent presidential election. I think that, collectively, we as a country really just wished that Florida would disappear completely. Texas is often another prime example. And let's not forget Utah. What we really need is a version of Survivor that would handle this problem. I say we let CBS gather one citizen from each state (and let it be someone who generally represents the mentality, culture, and intelligence of said state), and then we start voting people off. When a person is voted off, the entire state goes with him. I think it would be a ratings darling! Until we get such a show, I have produced the definitive No Apologies! Press list of which states can stay and which states need to go. And when I say "go," I mean GONE! POOF! Land, people, animals, everything--except where noted, of course.

 

The West:

Alaska: Yes. We have to save Alaska. Some of the most beautiful wilderness in the country, not to mention grizzly bears and Eskimos.

Hawaii: Americans need somewhere to go on vacation, and I'm tired of it always being Yosemite. Hawaii stays.

California, Washington and Oregon: Yep, we're keeping the whole West Coast. Think of the natural resources, agriculture, technology, and restaurants we'd be wasting. Oregonians might have an attitude problem, but they get to stay too. We would get rid of Southern California, but we like movies and TV too much.

Idaho: I figure we can grow potatoes just about anywhere. Gone.

Montana: Basically Idaho with more picturesque scenery. Not enough for it to make the cut. Maybe if it had fewer anti-government extremists.

Utah: Ha! Ha! Ha! No.

Nevada: Oh, yeah! There's no way we're getting rid of the coolest state in the country! More strippers and casinos per capita than just about anywhere. So what if 1/4 of the population smokes.? That's just more room for us when they die.

Colorado: Yes, because of the Rocky Mountains and only because of Rocky Mountains.

Wyoming: We'd keep Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. Everything else goes.

 

The South West:

Arizona: No. Desert.

New Mexico: No. See Arizona.

Texas: I'm torn on this one. I really want to get rid of the state because it has to be the worst state in the Union, but I want to keep the cows. Okay, we'll compromise. The state and its people must go, but the cows can stay.

Oklahoma: Not sure if this is the South West, South, or Southeast. We'd let it stay too if it had cows.

 

The Midwest:

North Dakota and South Dakota: Is there really any difference between these two? Cold. Flat. Boring. Nope.

Kansas and Missouri: No way. Sorry, Mark Twain.

Nebraska: No, but we'd let a lot of our friends out first before we axed it.

Iowa: It's more forward thinking than Nebraska but not quite enough. Still, we need the corn to feed all the cows from Texas. Tell you what, we'll move the cows from Texas to Iowa and call it even.

Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota: Brrrrr. No!

Ohio: We need to keep one of the Breadbasket states if we want . . . um . . . bread. I drew numbers and Ohio won.

Indiana: Sorry, but we picked Ohio

 

The East and Northeast:

Maine: Great scenery. Yes.

Delaware, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Vermont: Too many states in the East that are really hard to pick out on a map. Rather than form one big state, we'll just trim a few.

Massachusetts: Because of the historical value, I'd feel really guilty about getting rid of it.

Pennsylvania and Maryland: If we're already keeping Massachusetts, why bother with these?

New York and New Jersey: Okay, we let Hilary Clinton and Christine Todd Whitman mud wrestle each other. The winner gets to keep her state.

Virginia and West Virginia: The one with the most politicians has to leave, and the one with the most hicks gets to leave as well. Darn, that's both of them!

 

The South and Southeast:


Louisiana: We need somewhere to hold Marty Gras each year. We'd be crazy to get rid of it.

Florida: Old people and idiots who can't vote properly. Hmmmm. Tough one here.

Georgia, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama: Ah the South! Ah the tobacco, racism, and intolerance! We'd miss the chicks with the Southern accents, but we wouldn't miss them that much. Gone! Gone! Gone!

So there you have it. All fifty states. I'm sure The Red Lizard King can whip up a handy map that shows what our new country would look like. And I don't want to hear any of this "But North Dakota is so beautiful in the summer" and "What makes you Californians think you know so much about the rest of the country" type shit. Blah! Blah! Blah! We know everything. You know I'm right.

-- Ken Hughes,
February 20th, 2000

 

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