My grandmother has been telling me from
the moment I got online that the internet is evil. People on the internet are
horrible sex-fiends that are only interested in luring young children to the
local McDonald's for a Big Mac and mutual masturbation (she also thinks males
with hats on backwards are gang members [and that the sun revolves around the
Earth...but that was a different story]). And while it's true that most of the
people I've come to know online are sex-fiends, not once have I shared a Big Mac
with any of them. But I respect her opinion (even when she's dangerously out of
touch with the last four generations) and, in the interest of science (or
religion), I decided to see if I could break all ten commandments online.
#1 Thou shalt have no other gods
Ganeesh, I wish to be successful in my
attempt to break every commandment. Ganeesh, I ask of you to remove all
obstacles that may be set before me in my endeavor (Yahweh especially). Please
trample upon Baby Jesus and gore the Holy Ghost so that I may be successful with
#2 Thou shalt not make unto thee any
graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is
in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth Thou shalt not bow
down themselves to them, blah blah blah.
I'm glad the commandment was extended
past that graven thing because I wasn't sure how I was going to sculpt something
online. I guess Photoshop would be a good enough interpretation. But I just
can't bring myself to bow before anything I draw. But I can bow down before a
precious little gift bestowed upon mankind by Gaea herself:
#3 Thou shalt not take the name of
the LORD thy God in vain.
Here's a little blurb about this
commandment I borrowed from another website: "The phrase 'taking God's name
in vain' related to contracts. They were sworn 'in the name of the Lord.' If the
terms of the contract were broken, the offending party was said to have taken
the Lord's name in vain."
Well, if it's breaking a contract I
need, where better to go than Yahoo/Geocities! They have a huge list of terms so
I concentrated on breaking the part that involved the least work: e-mail
And here is the information I gave
them. So it isn't credit card fraud. I'm too lazy to put any work in breaking
#4 Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep
Like every other Christian out there, I
don't keep the Sabbath holy. The Sabbath is Saturday, people. Only the Seventh
Day Adventists got it right (not to mention the Jews because I said Christians).
But in order to correctly break this one, I am working away on this page early
Saturday morning. Toil toil toil.
It doesn't feel much like rebelling
when Jesus gave the okay to break this one. But then he was a working stiff. It
wasn't likely he could just tell the Romans off if they needed four giant
crosses to crucify a few thieves just because it was the Sabbath.
#5 Honour thy father and thy mother.
I broke this one a long time ago when
No Apologies! Press went online. A couple of good examples: a letter from my dad
and my responses; Future Retard (look mom! Your son is making you proud!).
#6 Thou shalt not kill.
The internet provides ample opportunity
for virtually breaking this commandment. So I headed to my favorite place to
hack, slash and murder: Ultima Online. I jumped a nun coming out of a healer's
hut. Just look at the expression of pure terror on her cute little face.
#7 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Where are all the horny women online
when you need them? Some people might consider going to www.picpost.com
and snapping one off adultery. But they'd be wrong. If I had an AOL chat room at
my disposal, #7 would be free and easy. And cheap, probably. Fat and ugly too,
I'm sure. After an hour or so of trying to get a married woman to have instant
sex with me (like any other guy), this is what ensued:
Jenn has arrived.
Storm hugs Jenn! "How is the mommy to be doing?"
TheRedKing arches an eyebrow.
Jenn says "Not so good. I've got something poison ivy like all over the bottom half of my face and it's itching like MAD."
Storm says "Oh, no good at all!"
Jenn says "Hence, I'm awake at 4:30 in the morning."
TheRedKing has sex with Jenn.
Too bad a commandment against rape doesn't exist
or I'd have scored two in one shot.
#8 Thou shalt not steal.
The Hebrew word translated here as steal had a very narrow application. It
referred to kidnapping and selling a person into slavery. Since slavery has now
been abolished in North America, this commandment is no longer applicable.
And just in case it is applicable, I'd just like to point out that I stole
that paragraph from someone else's web page that I won't credit. Because then it
isn't stealing, it becomes referencing.
#9 Thou shalt not bear false witness
against thy neighbor.
First, true witness against my
neighbor. Boring minimalists to the core, they recently just put a television in
their apartment. They also have a clock that produces bird calls every hour. And
they beat their cat. Kick it around the apartment. One time, I saw them lure a
girl scout into their place. They either lectured her on recycling or slit her
throat and dumped her in the hills. Which really wouldn't be anything new to
#10 Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's house, blah blah blah.
Hell, this one is easy. I'm envious of
Brunching Shuttlecocks. I'm envious of Robot Frank. I'm envious of Sinfest. I'm
envious of TheSpark's Fat project.
I enjoy all of these pages and covet their readers. Very much so.
Virtually, that was a piece of cake.
But if I really wanted to use the net to break the commandments, I guess I'd
have to lie to a married woman to get her to meet me at some dark, meeting
place, have sex with her while yelling, "Mommy!" over and over again,
kill her with a carved image of Isis and bury her in the forest, steal her car
and blame it on the neighbors.
October 21, 2000