Internet Damnation

My grandmother has been telling me from the moment I got online that the internet is evil. People on the internet are horrible sex-fiends that are only interested in luring young children to the local McDonald's for a Big Mac and mutual masturbation (she also thinks males with hats on backwards are gang members [and that the sun revolves around the Earth...but that was a different story]). And while it's true that most of the people I've come to know online are sex-fiends, not once have I shared a Big Mac with any of them. But I respect her opinion (even when she's dangerously out of touch with the last four generations) and, in the interest of science (or religion), I decided to see if I could break all ten commandments online.

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#1 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Ganeesh, I wish to be successful in my attempt to break every commandment. Ganeesh, I ask of you to remove all obstacles that may be set before me in my endeavor (Yahweh especially). Please trample upon Baby Jesus and gore the Holy Ghost so that I may be successful with my undertaking.

#2 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth Thou shalt not bow down themselves to them, blah blah blah.

I'm glad the commandment was extended past that graven thing because I wasn't sure how I was going to sculpt something online. I guess Photoshop would be a good enough interpretation. But I just can't bring myself to bow before anything I draw. But I can bow down before a precious little gift bestowed upon mankind by Gaea herself:

 

#3 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.

Here's a little blurb about this commandment I borrowed from another website: "The phrase 'taking God's name in vain' related to contracts. They were sworn 'in the name of the Lord.' If the terms of the contract were broken, the offending party was said to have taken the Lord's name in vain."

Well, if it's breaking a contract I need, where better to go than Yahoo/Geocities! They have a huge list of terms so I concentrated on breaking the part that involved the least work: e-mail registration.

And here is the information I gave them. So it isn't credit card fraud. I'm too lazy to put any work in breaking the commandments.

#4 Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy.

Like every other Christian out there, I don't keep the Sabbath holy. The Sabbath is Saturday, people. Only the Seventh Day Adventists got it right (not to mention the Jews because I said Christians). But in order to correctly break this one, I am working away on this page early Saturday morning. Toil toil toil.

It doesn't feel much like rebelling when Jesus gave the okay to break this one. But then he was a working stiff. It wasn't likely he could just tell the Romans off if they needed four giant crosses to crucify a few thieves just because it was the Sabbath.

#5 Honour thy father and thy mother.

I broke this one a long time ago when No Apologies! Press went online. A couple of good examples: a letter from my dad and my responses; Future Retard (look mom! Your son is making you proud!).

#6 Thou shalt not kill.

The internet provides ample opportunity for virtually breaking this commandment. So I headed to my favorite place to hack, slash and murder: Ultima Online. I jumped a nun coming out of a healer's hut. Just look at the expression of pure terror on her cute little face.

#7 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Where are all the horny women online when you need them? Some people might consider going to www.picpost.com and snapping one off adultery. But they'd be wrong. If I had an AOL chat room at my disposal, #7 would be free and easy. And cheap, probably. Fat and ugly too, I'm sure. After an hour or so of trying to get a married woman to have instant sex with me (like any other guy), this is what ensued:

Jenn has arrived.
Storm hugs Jenn! "How is the mommy to be doing?"
Jenn waves.
TheRedKing arches an eyebrow.
Jenn says "Not so good. I've got something poison ivy like all over the bottom half of my face and it's itching like MAD."
Storm says "Oh, no good at all!"
Jenn says "Hence, I'm awake at 4:30 in the morning."
TheRedKing has sex with Jenn.

Too bad a commandment against rape doesn't exist or I'd have scored two in one shot.

#8 Thou shalt not steal.

The Hebrew word translated here as steal had a very narrow application. It referred to kidnapping and selling a person into slavery. Since slavery has now been abolished in North America, this commandment is no longer applicable.

And just in case it is applicable, I'd just like to point out that I stole that paragraph from someone else's web page that I won't credit. Because then it isn't stealing, it becomes referencing.

#9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

First, true witness against my neighbor. Boring minimalists to the core, they recently just put a television in their apartment. They also have a clock that produces bird calls every hour. And they beat their cat. Kick it around the apartment. One time, I saw them lure a girl scout into their place. They either lectured her on recycling or slit her throat and dumped her in the hills. Which really wouldn't be anything new to Portland, Oregon.

#10 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, blah blah blah.

Hell, this one is easy. I'm envious of Brunching Shuttlecocks. I'm envious of Robot Frank. I'm envious of Sinfest. I'm envious of TheSpark's Fat project. I enjoy all of these pages and covet their readers. Very much so.

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Virtually, that was a piece of cake. But if I really wanted to use the net to break the commandments, I guess I'd have to lie to a married woman to get her to meet me at  some dark, meeting place, have sex with her while yelling, "Mommy!" over and over again, kill her with a carved image of Isis and bury her in the forest, steal her car and blame it on the neighbors.

 

-- Jeff Good,
October 21, 2000

 

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