An Open Letter To All Mothers


To Whom This May Concern,

I am not required to love your child. Do not expect me to appreciate your progeny. How can you expect me to find your screaming, germ-ridden offspring adorable when it's obvious you can barely be bothered to contain its raving public exploits? You know that time you smacked your kid in the department store? You're lucky you got there first. I'm warning you now, out of common courtesy, we, the childless, have had enough of your child ruining public spaces. We are fed up with your crying lump of flesh and are no longer going to take it.

The next time you go to a non-G-rated movie, leave the squirming worm with a babysitter. Remember that ringing cell-phone that annoyed you at the movie? That was me calling myself to drown out your whelp's cries brought on by the loud explosions of a movie obviously not age appropriate for a child still suckling at your droopy teat. Can't afford a babysitter? Stay home and watch Oxygen.

Enough with the 'Motherhood is the toughest job in the world' rap. If it's that tough, quit. You should have never taken on the responsibility in the first place. I have no sympathy for someone who chose a tough job and then bitches about it and expects respect. And if you accidentally got the job, then you are stupid as well as bitchy. Do not expect me to care that your three kids are too much for you to handle. Am I to believe that the first two were such an easy task that you felt a third was practically obligatory as opposed to redundant? Ever wonder why the father left? Take a look at your bundles of joy. Or a mirror, I suspect.

You know how you sometimes snap at your child because it annoys you while you're doing something else? That is how I feel about your genetic waste every time it's around me. But more so. I'm so overjoyed that you can have a peaceful meal because your little shit is bouncing from table to table uncontrolled. Remember that time your darling returned to you crying with a rugburn on its chin? It was my foot that introduced it to the ground as it ran maniacally by.

Again, I'm warning you. The childless will soon rise up and take back the public arena. If it takes a village to raise your snot-licker, then I have to believe it's more trouble than it's worth. Besides, who in the village asked my opinion whether they should have a child or not? Right. No one. So don't expect me to stop your child from running out in front of that bus. I don't expect you to clean my toilet.

Stop bitching about the quality of education your child is going to receive in public schools. You know you don't care. You are just happy to be getting twelve years of subsidized daycare. (And yes, your seventeen year old needs a babysitter.) Just shut your mouth and be happy your child is out of your hair six hours a day. Because I am not happy that nearly half my tax dollar is being used to try to teach your braniac how to 'socialize'.

Do not continue to try and censor the entertainment industry because your child may say fuck or pretend its finger is a gun. Government was not invented to protect your child from seeing titties or to keep your child from catching sight of a head exploding. Adults live in America along with your whimpering brood. Do not try and turn my country into Romper Room because your child can't handle reality. When a child shoots up his school, don't look toward Marilyn Manson or first person shooters. Look at your child. Because it was your child who treated the other like a three legged stray dog.

Your child does not have Attention Deficit Disorder. (Unless that means he's deficient in your attention.) Your child is just pumped up on highly sugared products and spending too much time in front of the television playing games. Let it go outside and run off its energy. Let it ride a bike. Let it get muddy and bruised and wet and bloodied. Let it out of your sight for one Goddamn fucking minute. It'll sleep like the proverbial log if you actually make your kid do something physical outside since every time it starts bouncing around inside you yell at it to knock it off. But how can it go outside when you're afraid it'll be kidnapped? Calm the fuck down and stop sedating your child with Ritalin.

Your child is not an endless font of wisdom and insight. It is a drooling, babbling, smelly waste of time. Your child does not do or say the cutest things. If your child is allowed to say something to me while I'm eating, don't get so angry when I teach your kid to say 'Cunt'. He approached ME for conversation! If you don't want your child interacting with me, put it on the end of a leash. Better yet, keep it in a trash bag and out of my sight.

Don't complain to me that it's hard to raise a child in this day and age. Because chances are, you're saying this from your twelve hour a day job. Make the choice: raise your kid yourself or have two SUVs in the garage and stop bitching. Just quit your fucking job and raise your Goddamn brat yourself. Or make your husband do it. Oh, your man left you and you have to work? Well why the fuck did you have a child in such an unstable relationship in the first place? If it was an accident, then don't blame this 'day and age'. Blame your lack of foresight. Because this 'day and age' has brought us many amazing and wonderful things called Birth Control. When I have an accident, I don't run around freaking out that it's hard to have a scab in this modern era.

I'm just trying to warn you. Your child is a pain in the ass. You know it. It annoys you. It wants and demands constant attention. You have no time to yourself anymore. It interrupts every activity you plan. If you bring it out in public, people hate you for it. It's a drain on your finances. But I hope the unconditional love it provides for your selfish ego is enough to counteract all the rest. Because that unconditional love diminishes more and more each year until it will only love you if you let it do what it wants while giving it plenty of money to stay satisfied. If not, it will hate you. As do I. 

[The Following Are Letters Received In Response]

Letter #1:
From: Rusty Brehe

No Apologies! Press is great. I love that site. Almost everything on there is great. Keep up the great work.
It seems to me that NA!P is about saying what you think without worrying about what people will say/think. That is completely different than The Red Lizard King's work. When people like him TRY to be shocking they end up looking stupid. . By going out of his way to try to be shocking he makes everyone involved look bad. Example: M Manson.
 
After being amused to no end by the contents of your site, I came to "an open letter to all mothers". And since I judge no man by only one work I read his "WWJD". Which further impressed in my mind the fact that he is trying to be shocking, which is not amusing, just stupid as fuck... 
Of course, before reading that editorial, every time I saw WWJD it amused me because, obviously he would die on the cross. I enjoy stealing WWJD merchandise. If Jesus were in the store, and wanted merchandise, WWJD? Die on the cross. Doesn't help much. It's much more effective just to steal it. In fact, if all devout Christians jumped on crosses, it certainly would make it easier for everyone else.
But I digress... While I was not "shocked" by TRLK's writings, it was easily recognizable that that was the intent. The open letter to all mothers? Pure unadulterated idiocy. Was he never a kid? Does he have no common sense? Does your website enjoy looking bad because of TRLK? After using your common sense, which has made your site the great site that it is, I think you will see that further postings of TRLK would not be beneficial.
Keep up the great work, I realize that my email will be ignored, but that great work should exclude TRLK. Seriously.

Letter #2:
From: SammyDaySpring

THANK YOU!!!!

I was nodding in enthusiastic agreement all the way through while reading this open letter.  Now if there's only some way to just force all the mothers who behave in this churlish manner and do a shitty job raising their kids so they turn into little hellspawn that makes our lives miserable to read this, and have it actually (god forbid!) sink in, we'd be set.

But thank you.  It so needed to be said.
~ Zanne

Letter #3:
From: realisticgrrl

Dear Mr. Good,
       I want to thank you for the best laugh I've had in a long time, and to say that I completely agree with you. You put into perfect words what I've been thinking for quite some time, and I'm only 20.
       I found a link to your article at http://www.weightlessdog.com/. It's a community for the childfree, and the BRATS! page is where we go to rant about the breeders all over the world and their nasty offspring.
       Again, great article.

Letter #4:
From: J.Coleman

I love you.

saw your rant re: brats.
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!
 --Aunt Jayknee, CF and saving for my eventual spay job

-- Jeff Good,
June 1, 2002

 

Back to Editors' Rants

 

Copyright No Apologies! Press, 2000