I've been hiding behind the labels of
'comedy' and 'opinion' for far too long. After much consideration, I've
decided to be true to my 'Rusty Brehe Self' and present to you, the reader,
for the first time unfettered by false labels...
TRLK, Shock Editorialist
Have you ever noticed how sexy two year
olds are? I'm not exactly sure why the give me such a boner but I'm suspecting
it's the androgyny factor. It's kind of like a Christmas surprise as you peel
off the diaper: cock or cunt, what'll I get this year?
And
speaking of hot infant love, why is everybody suddenly so upset with priests
molesting kids? Hasn't that been a fairly acceptable perk of the profession
for centuries? We all knew it was going on. Give the poor horny old men a
break. Who could resist that tight, smooth piece of young ass? The Pope hit
the wall in the late 1800's. What Bishop is gonna want to stick his rod in
that wrinkled cornhole? Anyway, when you're given such a position of spiritual
power by your community, you're pretty much obligated to abuse it. Priests are
fucking rock stars of the spiritual world and altar boys their groupies.
And
what's up with the working class being so huge in the spiritual community? Has
there ever existed a bigger bunch of no-brain, individuality-impaired zombies?
Fucking lower class dopes. Just fall in right in line. Give their bodies to
their bosses and their souls to a pipe dream. How come you never hear any of 'em
praising Jesus for minimum wage? Praise Jesus for my blue collar job and the
three years I got out of my used car before the engine blew (which I still owe
money on). Praise the fuck out of Jesus for day time television and my barely
adequate education.
Oh
yeah, laugh all you motherfucking college fucks. Like you're any better in
your secular church of academia. The next time I hear one of you assholes
declare reading is better than watching television, I'm going to shove your
Tom Clancy book right up your ass. As if the act of reading words is really
any less passive than that of watching images on a screen. 'But you use your
imagination when reading by bringing the text to life in your mind,' y'all are
whining right now. Yeah, well I fucking imagine what words would have been
used to describe the images I'm staring at.
Yeah,
I fucking just ended a sentence with a preposition. I like to fucking split my
infinitives too, ya shit-for-brains intellectual.
Retarded
people. Fucking tards. Who the hell isn't tired of retards? Okay, okay.
Neither am I. Best fucking comedy ever aired on prime time television was Life
Goes On. I'm convinced the whole Special Olympics thing started out as a
practical joke that got out of control. 'Hey! Hey! Wouldn't it be brilliant to
see a bunch of drooling kids with Down's Syndrome race? Or ski! Or FUCKING
BOBSLED!' That's the only problem I have with the Special Olympics. It never
goes far enough. Where the hell is Amputee Kick Boxing? Or Tourette's Syndrome
Skeet Shooting?
Quit yer
whining, ya fucking ACLU liberals. So what if I called someone a retard. You
going to sue me so I'll act more civil? Or do you just do that to corporations
to earn some quick cash to back all your other stupid cases of inappropriate
speech or behavior. Let me give you a quick life lesson: Just cause you sue
some rich white CEO for saying nigger at work doesn't mean he'll stop saying
it at home. You can't solve every fucking social ill by lawsuits and
legislation. Fuckers.
And
don't force his racist ass to offer up a public apology, either. It'll end up
being just as embarrassing and meaningless as making a basketball player
apologize for his use of pot.
Fuck.
Now I'm doubly pissed and I don't know what to bitch about first: basketball
or pot.
I'll just say G.W.
Bush is a terrific president. If by president you mean moronic puppet of a
figurehead. It's his and his shill radio hosts fault I have to continuously
hear my two new all-time hated phrases: 'Intellectually honest' and 'Moral
clarity'. Intellectual honesty is just another way of saying 'Let's not judge
anybody on an individual or case by case basis.' If I say 'I like onions,'
then BY GOD, I had better like onions no matter how they're served. Got to
remain intellectually honest and keep my moral clarity. Moral clarity is just
one more way to phrase 'racist, bigoted or prejudiced thought'. It's the two
word phrase to back the killing of anyone not of your religion or mindset.
Let's just fucking call a crusade a crusade, eh?
Basketball.
What a sorry excuse for a sport (even worse than baseball and boy do I hate
baseball). If you decide to call a sport a non-contact sport than shouldn't
there be minimal contact? Really, let's be intellectually honest here. I could
gather fifty basketball fans in a room, show them a specific highlight of some
player and half would say he fouled and half wouldn't. I could show every play
ever made in the the stupid-ass game and you'd never get a consensus. People
even defended Sprewell when he choked his fucking coach. Basketball fans are
such idiots. Why do they even have favorite teams? They should have favorite
refs since those guys determine the winner more often than the actual team
talent does.
And potheads.
Drop the whole medical marijuana schtick. Stop with the irritating pleas to
legalize hemp. There's only one reason you're defending pot and that's cause
it fucks you up but good. Just another bunch of asshole addicts trying to win
people over to their side of the argument through positive debate. You know
what? Stop trying to debate. The cookie crumbs in your beard and the milk
mustache don't help your case.
And
don't think I'm on your side, you anti-drug zealots. I'm a fanatical devotee
to the psylocybin and the LSD. Your Nancy Reagan brain washing of the masses
with the 'Just Say No' hypocrisy is enough to make me go on a shooting spree.
Since you can't honestly tell the public the truth about drugs, you limit your
anti-drug campaign to simple sound bites that don't mean shit. 'Just say no.'
Oh, you mean just say no to the random assortment of drugs that made it to the
top of America's Illicit Drug list because they became 'too recreational'?
'Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs.' Wouldn't information as to how drugs are bad
help kids out a whole lot more than that didactic tact? Oh, wait. Of course
not. Because some drugs AREN'T bad and you might have to explain that if you
go into the whole 'information' deal. Seriously, y'all suck fat cock. Your
drug war is weak and harmful and the only reason I'm not enjoying a fat blunt
right now is because I never learned how to inhale.
And
speaking of Clinton, don't you Republicans think it's about time to get over
your bitterness of eight long democrat-in-the-White-House years? It's not like
getting your pole smoked at your place of employ makes you the Anti-Christ,
for fuck's sake. Deflecting accusations and questions about the current regime
back to some asinine thing Clinton did does not constitute political debate.
You want the Gore losers of last election to get over the presidential
thievery of Bush but eight years of Clinton have stuck in your craw and left a
pretty big chip on your shoulders.
Not
as big a chip as those Green Party wanna-bes though. I can't believe people
still try to participate in this lousy experiment known as democracy (oh, I
mean democratic republicacy. Or something). The two party system
controls the rules and changes them constantly. You fucks keep saying if you
want to make a change, run for office. But you have to practically fucking be
in office to change the rules to enable y'all to get into office. Unless you
live in Minnesota or California. Wrestlers and actors have found their states.
Now I'm just waiting for a cousin humping hillbilly to become Governor of West
Virginia.
And you Democrats
suck ass too. Don't think y'all are...
Aww,
fuck this shit. I started this out being the new shocking Red Lizard King but
opinions expressed basically morphed into my own as I rambled along. I know
Brent and Ken are now thinking, 'Jeff thinks two year olds are hot? Ewwww.'
What the hell does the criticism 'he's just being shocking' mean anyway?
Whatever I write here I do for two reasons: because I believe it or I think
it's funny. Do some people just find some thoughts so disturbing that they
can't imagine somebody actually believes them? Is that when someone decides
that a person expressing themselves is just being shocking?
Mmmmm,
two year olds....
-- Jeff
Good,
June 17, 2002
