I've been hiding behind the labels of 'comedy' and 'opinion' for far too long. After much consideration, I've decided to be true to my 'Rusty Brehe Self' and present to you, the reader, for the first time unfettered by false labels...

TRLK, Shock Editorialist

Have you ever noticed how sexy two year olds are? I'm not exactly sure why the give me such a boner but I'm suspecting it's the androgyny factor. It's kind of like a Christmas surprise as you peel off the diaper: cock or cunt, what'll I get this year?

And speaking of hot infant love, why is everybody suddenly so upset with priests molesting kids? Hasn't that been a fairly acceptable perk of the profession for centuries? We all knew it was going on. Give the poor horny old men a break. Who could resist that tight, smooth piece of young ass? The Pope hit the wall in the late 1800's. What Bishop is gonna want to stick his rod in that wrinkled cornhole? Anyway, when you're given such a position of spiritual power by your community, you're pretty much obligated to abuse it. Priests are fucking rock stars of the spiritual world and altar boys their groupies.

And what's up with the working class being so huge in the spiritual community? Has there ever existed a bigger bunch of no-brain, individuality-impaired zombies? Fucking lower class dopes. Just fall in right in line. Give their bodies to their bosses and their souls to a pipe dream. How come you never hear any of 'em praising Jesus for minimum wage? Praise Jesus for my blue collar job and the three years I got out of my used car before the engine blew (which I still owe money on). Praise the fuck out of Jesus for day time television and my barely adequate education.

Oh yeah, laugh all you motherfucking college fucks. Like you're any better in your secular church of academia. The next time I hear one of you assholes declare reading is better than watching television, I'm going to shove your Tom Clancy book right up your ass. As if the act of reading words is really any less passive than that of watching images on a screen. 'But you use your imagination when reading by bringing the text to life in your mind,' y'all are whining right now. Yeah, well I fucking imagine what words would have been used to describe the images I'm staring at.

Yeah, I fucking just ended a sentence with a preposition. I like to fucking split my infinitives too, ya shit-for-brains intellectual.

Retarded people. Fucking tards. Who the hell isn't tired of retards? Okay, okay. Neither am I. Best fucking comedy ever aired on prime time television was Life Goes On. I'm convinced the whole Special Olympics thing started out as a practical joke that got out of control. 'Hey! Hey! Wouldn't it be brilliant to see a bunch of drooling kids with Down's Syndrome race? Or ski! Or FUCKING BOBSLED!' That's the only problem I have with the Special Olympics. It never goes far enough. Where the hell is Amputee Kick Boxing? Or Tourette's Syndrome Skeet Shooting?

Quit yer whining, ya fucking ACLU liberals. So what if I called someone a retard. You going to sue me so I'll act more civil? Or do you just do that to corporations to earn some quick cash to back all your other stupid cases of inappropriate speech or behavior. Let me give you a quick life lesson: Just cause you sue some rich white CEO for saying nigger at work doesn't mean he'll stop saying it at home. You can't solve every fucking social ill by lawsuits and legislation. Fuckers.

And don't force his racist ass to offer up a public apology, either. It'll end up being just as embarrassing and meaningless as making a basketball player apologize for his use of pot.

Fuck. Now I'm doubly pissed and I don't know what to bitch about first: basketball or pot.

I'll just say G.W. Bush is a terrific president. If by president you mean moronic puppet of a figurehead. It's his and his shill radio hosts fault I have to continuously hear my two new all-time hated phrases: 'Intellectually honest' and 'Moral clarity'. Intellectual honesty is just another way of saying 'Let's not judge anybody on an individual or case by case basis.' If I say 'I like onions,' then BY GOD, I had better like onions no matter how they're served. Got to remain intellectually honest and keep my moral clarity. Moral clarity is just one more way to phrase 'racist, bigoted or prejudiced thought'. It's the two word phrase to back the killing of anyone not of your religion or mindset. Let's just fucking call a crusade a crusade, eh?

Basketball. What a sorry excuse for a sport (even worse than baseball and boy do I hate baseball). If you decide to call a sport a non-contact sport than shouldn't there be minimal contact? Really, let's be intellectually honest here. I could gather fifty basketball fans in a room, show them a specific highlight of some player and half would say he fouled and half wouldn't. I could show every play ever made in the the stupid-ass game and you'd never get a consensus. People even defended Sprewell when he choked his fucking coach. Basketball fans are such idiots. Why do they even have favorite teams? They should have favorite refs since those guys determine the winner more often than the actual team talent does.

And potheads. Drop the whole medical marijuana schtick. Stop with the irritating pleas to legalize hemp. There's only one reason you're defending pot and that's cause it fucks you up but good. Just another bunch of asshole addicts trying to win people over to their side of the argument through positive debate. You know what? Stop trying to debate. The cookie crumbs in your beard and the milk mustache don't help your case.

And don't think I'm on your side, you anti-drug zealots. I'm a fanatical devotee to the psylocybin and the LSD. Your Nancy Reagan brain washing of the masses with the 'Just Say No' hypocrisy is enough to make me go on a shooting spree. Since you can't honestly tell the public the truth about drugs, you limit your anti-drug campaign to simple sound bites that don't mean shit. 'Just say no.' Oh, you mean just say no to the random assortment of drugs that made it to the top of America's Illicit Drug list because they became 'too recreational'? 'Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs.' Wouldn't information as to how drugs are bad help kids out a whole lot more than that didactic tact? Oh, wait. Of course not. Because some drugs AREN'T bad and you might have to explain that if you go into the whole 'information' deal. Seriously, y'all suck fat cock. Your drug war is weak and harmful and the only reason I'm not enjoying a fat blunt right now is because I never learned how to inhale.

And speaking of Clinton, don't you Republicans think it's about time to get over your bitterness of eight long democrat-in-the-White-House years? It's not like getting your pole smoked at your place of employ makes you the Anti-Christ, for fuck's sake. Deflecting accusations and questions about the current regime back to some asinine thing Clinton did does not constitute political debate. You want the Gore losers of last election to get over the presidential thievery of Bush but eight years of Clinton have stuck in your craw and left a pretty big chip on your shoulders.

Not as big a chip as those Green Party wanna-bes though. I can't believe people still try to participate in this lousy experiment known as democracy (oh, I mean democratic republicacy. Or something).  The two party system controls the rules and changes them constantly. You fucks keep saying if you want to make a change, run for office. But you have to practically fucking be in office to change the rules to enable y'all to get into office. Unless you live in Minnesota or California. Wrestlers and actors have found their states. Now I'm just waiting for a cousin humping hillbilly to become Governor of West Virginia.

And you Democrats suck ass too. Don't think y'all are...

Aww, fuck this shit. I started this out being the new shocking Red Lizard King but opinions expressed basically morphed into my own as I rambled along. I know Brent and Ken are now thinking, 'Jeff thinks two year olds are hot? Ewwww.' What the hell does the criticism 'he's just being shocking' mean anyway? Whatever I write here I do for two reasons: because I believe it or I think it's funny. Do some people just find some thoughts so disturbing that they can't imagine somebody actually believes them? Is that when someone decides that a person expressing themselves is just being shocking?

Mmmmm, two year olds....

-- Jeff Good,
June 17, 2002

 

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