In the light of recent reports
concerning Paula Poundstone, a bushel of underage girls and the oft-used phrase
'inappropriate touching', I thought it was about time we, as Americans, set a
moral standard upon which to judge if our choice of sexual partner could be
considered 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate'. Since the current trend among
Christians has been to look toward their saviour not as the Son of God but as
UberRoleModel, what better figure to base our new set of sexual standards on
than Jesus 'Slam Dunk Booyah' Christ? Besides, the slogan is already adhesived
to the back of every Volvo or Minivan driven by one of God's Soldiers everywhere
you go. WWJD? Exactly. Who Would Jesus Do?
Brittany
Spears Magdalene
Come
on. Jesus would have his circumcised puppet so far up this chick's Holy
Reliquary that she'd choke on his Holy Ghost. And who would be a more
appropriate modern day Magdalene? Brit's already playing the part by dating
prudish Justin Timberlake. It's history repeating itself (except, unfortunately,
I'm guessing Timberlake won't end up on a cross): whore is seen everywhere with
skinny twerp yet maintains sexual habeas corpus has yet to be perpetrated.
Nobody bought it then and it ain't sellin' air time now (of course, if Justin
Timberlake was your geeky best friend [or Jesus] and he [or He] told you he was
nailing that bubble ass from here to Timbuktu [or Kingdom Come], you'd never
believe it unless you walked in and saw him liver deep in infinite glory and
then only after you saw video tape of you walking in and seeing it and then only
after the film had been examined by an expert to prove it wasn't a hoax).
Anyway, Jesus would do Brittany Spears.
The
Backstreet Boys
While
some people might consider the sexual orientation of a man who travels the world
with multiple other men a bit ambiguous, I'd have to say wholeheartedly my main
man Jesus is not a sucker of the root. Now, among his twelve hangers-on, I'd
have to say over half that throng were definitely passing up the Pearly Gates
for rear entry into paradise. You think some hetero is going to follow some guy
around the country with just a bunch of other guys? The set-up is a total homo
magnet. Which is why I'd have to say Jesus would do The Backstreet Boys. They're
doin' the same kind of all male thing, and I'm sure Jesus had a few experimental
incidents whenever he did the whole water into wine thing.
Destiny's
Child
No way Jesus
could resist baptizing these three in his Holy Water. He'd even have the perfect
line: 'There's three of you and three of me. So why doesn't Destiny's Child
hook-up with destiny's Child and we'll se who transubstantiates first?' Jesus
would be on these girls like Original Sin on a Catholic baby.
Eminem
I
think if Jesus had ever met someone like Eminem, he would have performed a
reverse Lazarus on his ass. No way would he stand for some two-bit hack doing
something he stole but getting tons of credit jus' cause he's white. If Jesus
believed in that shit, he would have pulled the same scam. You know Jesus was a
black man cause he wouldn't have been crucified if he was white. Cause you see
how half the world bought into his Son of God thing after Peter (and you know it
was him, with his whole denying thing) put the white spin on the story. So Jesus
would not do Eminem. And he wouldn't let anyone else, either.
Paula
Poundstone
A few
miracles exist that even Jesus would not dare to perform. One of those is making
himself attracted to Paula Poundstone. Even in his divine glory, I'm sure he'd
be hard pressed to tell her real gender. The meeting would probably go something
like a Saturday Night Live 'It's Pat!' skit.
Jesus:
So, Paula? Um, if you were to get married, how many goats would your father
have afterward?
Paula: Oh...*whine*,
I don't belieeeeve in marriaaaage. Besides, my father's goats were driven into
the desert last year laden with our villages sins. Ohhhhh.
Jesus:
Oh, um, okay. Hey! We're putting on a play about the Garden of Eden. You
want a part?
Paula: Suuuuuure!
As long as I can be the serpent, mmmmm?
Jesus
would just be too confused by Paula to even think about doing her. Besides, she
probably wouldn't shut up about her damn cats.
Yoko
Ono
I think Jesus
would have to do her, just to prove to John once and for all who's bigger.
Prepubescent
Boys
If you followed
the lead of the men who do God's work, you might think this was an okay sexual
option. And I'd be guessing if I said people in Jesus' time had sex at a much
younger age than us modern folks but that wouldn't stop me from calling you a
liar if you said that wasn't true. Cause my guess is as good as anyone's. I
mean, nobody knows what life was like back then because they had no means of
recording what happened. Oh, sure, you might say written documents from back
then tell us something. But have you ever heard of the term 'fiction'? If I were
to believe the Bible or any other 'factual' documents from that era, then I'd
have to accept the fact that in two thousand years, people will think we drove
around in jealous cars that killed people and buried children in supernatural
cemeteries so they'd return to from the dead and waged a huge war between good
and evil in the streets of Las Vegas after most people were killed by a manmade
Super Flu (although I wouldn't bet against that never happening). But doing
young boys is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the wrongest thing you
could ever do. Although, if it was a really super hot chick and you were a young
boy, I think that would be okay, even if Jesus doesn't.
Prepubescent
Girls
Jesus once
told Peter, 'If a girl tells you she's eighteen, it's all good. But if anyone
asks, deny, deny, deny.'
-- Jeff
Good,
July 6, 2001
