In the light of recent reports concerning Paula Poundstone, a bushel of underage girls and the oft-used phrase 'inappropriate touching', I thought it was about time we, as Americans, set a moral standard upon which to judge if our choice of sexual partner could be considered 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate'. Since the current trend among Christians has been to look toward their saviour not as the Son of God but as UberRoleModel, what better figure to base our new set of sexual standards on than Jesus 'Slam Dunk Booyah' Christ? Besides, the slogan is already adhesived to the back of every Volvo or Minivan driven by one of God's Soldiers everywhere you go. WWJD? Exactly. Who Would Jesus Do?

Brittany Spears Magdalene

Come on. Jesus would have his circumcised puppet so far up this chick's Holy Reliquary that she'd choke on his Holy Ghost. And who would be a more appropriate modern day Magdalene? Brit's already playing the part by dating prudish Justin Timberlake. It's history repeating itself (except, unfortunately, I'm guessing Timberlake won't end up on a cross): whore is seen everywhere with skinny twerp yet maintains sexual habeas corpus has yet to be perpetrated. Nobody bought it then and it ain't sellin' air time now (of course, if Justin Timberlake was your geeky best friend [or Jesus] and he [or He] told you he was nailing that bubble ass from here to Timbuktu [or Kingdom Come], you'd never believe it unless you walked in and saw him liver deep in infinite glory and then only after you saw video tape of you walking in and seeing it and then only after the film had been examined by an expert to prove it wasn't a hoax). Anyway, Jesus would do Brittany Spears.

 

The Backstreet Boys

While some people might consider the sexual orientation of a man who travels the world with multiple other men a bit ambiguous, I'd have to say wholeheartedly my main man Jesus is not a sucker of the root. Now, among his twelve hangers-on, I'd have to say over half that throng were definitely passing up the Pearly Gates for rear entry into paradise. You think some hetero is going to follow some guy around the country with just a bunch of other guys? The set-up is a total homo magnet. Which is why I'd have to say Jesus would do The Backstreet Boys. They're doin' the same kind of all male thing, and I'm sure Jesus had a few experimental incidents whenever he did the whole water into wine thing.

 

Destiny's Child

No way Jesus could resist baptizing these three in his Holy Water. He'd even have the perfect line: 'There's three of you and three of me. So why doesn't Destiny's Child hook-up with destiny's Child and we'll se who transubstantiates first?' Jesus would be on these girls like Original Sin on a Catholic baby.

 

Eminem

I think if Jesus had ever met someone like Eminem, he would have performed a reverse Lazarus on his ass. No way would he stand for some two-bit hack doing something he stole but getting tons of credit jus' cause he's white. If Jesus believed in that shit, he would have pulled the same scam. You know Jesus was a black man cause he wouldn't have been crucified if he was white. Cause you see how half the world bought into his Son of God thing after Peter (and you know it was him, with his whole denying thing) put the white spin on the story. So Jesus would not do Eminem. And he wouldn't let anyone else, either.

 

Paula Poundstone

A few miracles exist that even Jesus would not dare to perform. One of those is making himself attracted to Paula Poundstone. Even in his divine glory, I'm sure he'd be hard pressed to tell her real gender. The meeting would probably go something like a Saturday Night Live 'It's Pat!' skit.

Jesus: So, Paula? Um, if you were to get married, how many goats would your father have afterward?

Paula: Oh...*whine*, I don't belieeeeve in marriaaaage. Besides, my father's goats were driven into the desert last year laden with our villages sins. Ohhhhh.

Jesus: Oh, um, okay. Hey! We're putting on a play about the Garden of Eden. You want a part?

Paula: Suuuuuure! As long as I can be the serpent, mmmmm?

Jesus would just be too confused by Paula to even think about doing her. Besides, she probably wouldn't shut up about her damn cats.

 

Yoko Ono

I think Jesus would have to do her, just to prove to John once and for all who's bigger.

 

Prepubescent Boys

If you followed the lead of the men who do God's work, you might think this was an okay sexual option. And I'd be guessing if I said people in Jesus' time had sex at a much younger age than us modern folks but that wouldn't stop me from calling you a liar if you said that wasn't true. Cause my guess is as good as anyone's. I mean, nobody knows what life was like back then because they had no means of recording what happened. Oh, sure, you might say written documents from back then tell us something. But have you ever heard of the term 'fiction'? If I were to believe the Bible or any other 'factual' documents from that era, then I'd have to accept the fact that in two thousand years, people will think we drove around in jealous cars that killed people and buried children in supernatural cemeteries so they'd return to from the dead and waged a huge war between good and evil in the streets of Las Vegas after most people were killed by a manmade Super Flu (although I wouldn't bet against that never happening). But doing young boys is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the wrongest thing you could ever do. Although, if it was a really super hot chick and you were a young boy, I think that would be okay, even if Jesus doesn't.

 

Prepubescent Girls

Jesus once told Peter, 'If a girl tells you she's eighteen, it's all good. But if anyone asks, deny, deny, deny.'

 

-- Jeff Good,
July 6, 2001

 

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