A New Title

by Doom Bunny

He wanted a new name, something that would command respect.

He'd just been promoted to Galactic Hero Corps Captain, and his old name just wouldn't do. Assistant Executive Vice Captain Richard, he decided, was a stupid name and much too long. No self respecting criminal would cower at the mention of "Assistant Executive Vice Captain Richard." No. He needed something that would grip the criminal world by the balls and hold it under his all powerful dominion of justice. As well as a name that would get him respect from his loyal Corps. He knew that his team loved him and already respected him greatly, but a new name would be nice none the less.

It came to him suddenly as he was pondering the problem. His new title just popped into his head. He had the name that would carry him into the depths of super hero history as the greatest super hero team captain of all time. Yes! From that day on he would no longer be known as "Assistant Executive Vice Captain Richard," for he had become: Captain Dick!

He couldn't wait to tell his underlings.

"Listen up underlings, your new captain has something to say to you," he bellowed.

The group of heroes turned their attention away from the television and stared at their leader for a second. Then, just as quickly, they turned around and continued watching a "Gilligan's Island" rerun.

"Look you fucks, I'm not joking. I'm in charge and you're going to fucking listen," yelled former Assistant Executive Vice Captain. His Corps continued to watch TV.

Captain Dick stormed over to the TV and ripped the cord out of the wall.

"You fucks are so pathetic. All you do is watch the goddamned fucking TV! I'm in charge, and as long as I'm in charge you're gonna fucking listen to me, you fucking bastards. Now then, I wasn't going to give this speech because I didn't think I was going to have to use it, but now I see that I am since you're all so pathetically stupid. I'm not here so that you will like me, because I know you won't. I'm here so that you'll fucking respect me. And I'm here so that I can save your pathetic asses when you fucking screw up."

The team members were all looking at him now. Some were gawking, some were smiling, and some were rolling on the ground laughing. Some were even laughing so hard at this point that tears were running down their faces.

Captain Dick was not amused.

"Fucking shut up, you pathetic fucks!" He screamed.

But the heroes were out of control. Greased Lightning had doubled over in pain from laughing so much. The others were all about the same. The only ones who weren't laughing were Dirk Daring, the Corp's moral support backbone, and Nice Alice. Dirk felt sorry for him, because he simply understood that Richard didn't always deal with people in the best way. Richard had a tendency to get on people's bad side, and Dirk understood this and dealt with it. And Nice Alice was just nice. She couldn't, and wouldn't, allow anyone to say anything bad about anybody else, no matter who they were. She also couldn't allow any harm to come to anyone, no matter who they were either. It made for a good person, but also for a really boring super hero. It also had a tendency to screw things up sometimes, but that's another story.

Dirk called for their attention.

"Hey guys, c'mon! Listen up will ya? Assistant Exec -- oops, I mean Captain Richard, I guess that's his name, has something to tell you." The Corps had every bit of their attention attuned to Dirk. He was really cool and cared a lot about everybody. They liked him. Mostly, anyway. Almost as much as Nice Alice. But not quite. She was nicer.

"I don't need your fucking help, you twerp," screamed Dick at Dirk. "These pathetic fucks will listen to me or they'll be out of a fucking job."

The Corps members hadn't thought of that one before. They all liked fighting crime. The pay was decent, and the medical benefits couldn't be beat. So now grudgingly they turned their attention to their new captain once again. They really didn't like him.

"Ahhh, I see you fucks can listen to reason. I guess you're not completely cancered-brain-tumored-abortion-rejected-fucks after all! All I wanted to tell you is that I have chosen a new name for myself. I will now cease to be called Assistant Executive Vice Captain Richard. From now on you will address me as "Captain Dick!"

With this, the Corps burst into hysterics once again. The scene was quite chaotic as one by one they all dropped like flies from laughing so hard. Numerous comments were now being yelled throughout the room amidst all the laughter:

"...Did he say Captain Prick? Ha Ha Ha!..."

"..Or how about Captain Asshole? Ha Ha Ha!..."

"...What a moron! What an absolute moron!..."

"...Dirk! How can you say that?..."

"...Oops, sorry."

"You're all a bunch of pathetic fucks, you know that?"

"Uh, you know? The Captain says 'pathetic' way too much."

"Yeah, he swears a lot too."

"...Captain Dick? Captain Dick? Isn't that the most ridiculous name you've ever heard?"



"Shut up, you fucks!"

"Who's that?"

"I think it's the Captain."


"Will you all shut the fuck up and sit down!" The Captain was mildly upset by this point. "Now, as I said, I don't expect you to like me or my name. And I really don't care if you do. But you fucking pathetic fucks will respect the name and the man who holds that name. I command it."

With this final outburst, Teleman telekenetically plugged the television back in.

"Fuck you all! Assignments will be handed out in one hour. Fuck you all!" Captain Dick stormed out of the room as usual.

Of course the heroes hadn't even heard his final orders, as they were all desperately trying to see if the Seven Castaways had finally gotten off that island. All that is except Dirk Daring and Nice Alice. They simply gave each other a knowing look and hoped things would get better.


Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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