Everyday Life

by Doom Bunny


Grunion Guy wasn't very happy being a hero. Sure, saving people's lives and fighting crime could be fun and exciting, but it had never been his dream in life. For as long as Grunion Guy could remember, he had dreamed of becoming an accomplished writer.

If only he could get his stories published.

To date he had written over 40 novels. Each one sat in a cardboard box somewhere in his room next to it's corresponding rejection letter. He just couldn't understand why publishers didn't like his stories. They all seemed fine to him. Every single rejection discouraged him, but that would all change because of his latest thriller, The Climatic Battle.

The Climactic Battle

The good guy sneered at the bad guy.

"You're gonna pay for what you did to my mother," he said.

"Oh yeah?" the bad guy said. "Well, you're stupid."

"Oh, no I'm not," said the good guy. "You're stupid."

"Well, you're stupider."

"Well, you're the stupidest person in the entire universe, so there!" the good guy exclaimed.

"Uh-uh, you are" countered the bad guy effortlessly.

So the good guy pulled out a gun and shot him.

"I'm dying," said the bad guy.

"Yeah," the good guy said. "And you're stupid too."

The End

 

Wow, Grunion Guy thought, that's my best one yet. He quickly stacked the papers together and put them with the other things to be mailed tomorrow. If this story didn't make it, he decided, nothing would.

Grunion Guy looked up from his desk to see Bright Boy standing at his door.

"Hey Grun, the Captain has an assignment for you."

Grunion Guy frowned. This was his second assignment this year. Why couldn't they get somebody else to do it?

"Do you know what it is?" he asked Bright Boy.

"Not really. Something about an aquatic planet that is in some trouble."

Grunion Guy sighed. "Thanks."

 

° ° °

 

From outside Captain Dick's office, Grunion Guy could hear the Captain shouting.

"Somebody get that Fish in here, pronto! And find out where that fucking space-ace bitch with the small breasts has got to! God, this is pathetic."

Taking a deep breath, Grunion Guy stepped into his commander's office. "You wanted to see me sir?"

Captain Dick eyed him. "Its about time you fucking got here. Your punctuality is pathetic." Dick paused. "And where's the Queen of Confusion?"

"Uh... you mean Carlotta?"

The Captain grinned impatiently. "Yes, I mean Carlotta," he squeaked mockingly. "She's probably off talking to the gophers or something."

On cue, Carlotta Everyday appeared in the room.

"Oh, there you are. Having a good day, Carlotta?" sneered Dick.

"Rainbows," Carlotta answered.

Dick rolled his eyes.

Grunion Guy noticed that Captain Dick had been right, though. Carlotta indeed had small breasts.

"Rainbows," Captain Dick whispered to himself. "Fucking great."

Captain Dick handed Grunion Guy a thin file. Grunion Guy flipped through it, finding nothing but a single page with a single word -- Blipworld.

"This doesn't tell me much, Captain Dick."

"Yeah? Well the Committee didn't tell me much either, except that this gets top priority. I guess you'll just have to find out what's going on when you get there."

Great. Now I'm stuck traveling with Carlotta to some aquatic planet where I have to fix some big important problem, only nobody knew what the problem was.

"Don't stand there looking confused, you fuck!" Captain Dick yelled. "Get going!"

Grunion Guy left the Captain's office, guiding Carlotta Everyday down the hall in front of him.

"Are you all ready to go?" he asked her.

"You know?" she replied.

Grunion Guy held up the location brief in front of her face. Her beautiful gray eyes looked glazed and distant.

"Okay, Carlotta," he spoke calmly. "Lets go here."

With a nod and a wink, Carlotta replied. "Porcupines are people too, Grunion."

And they vanished. Porcupines?

 

° ° °

 

Porcupines? And they appeared.

Grunion Guy and Carlotta Everyday stood on a rocky outcropping, overlooking a vast ocean.

They had not been there very long when a humanoid figure advanced toward them from the city. He looked like a normal man, except that his skin seemed to have a green tint to it.

"Greetings, heroes," the man said. "I'm Sushi, Representative of the Blips. Welcome to Bliptown."

"Uh, greetings. Yeah," Grunion stumbled. "Uh, what can we do for you?" Sushi?

"They did not tell you?" Sushi looked puzzled. "We are going to hold you for ransom until you give us the planet Earth."

 

° ° °

 

"Grunion Guy and Carlotta Everyday of the Galactic Hero Corps, I wish you to meet the leaders of our beautiful world," announced Sushi. "This here is John, mayor of Bliptown. This is Ralph, President of Blipcountry, and this man is King Steve, ruler of all Blipworld."

They all shook hands, except Carlotta, who didn't look like she was paying attention.

"Say Sushi," Grunion asked quietly. "I understand you guys are part fish and all, but everybody else has such normal names. Why are you called Sushi?"

Sushi bowed his head in shame, a tear rolled down his cheek. "It was my parents idea of a joke. They were very cruel."

"Uh, yeah, I get it," Grunion said. "Once, a hundred years ago, back on Earth, a guitarist named Brent Stickles named his daughter Tess."

"Grunion Guy," King Steve called out, "I've heard so much about you, since you are so much like us and all. You must have many questions."

"Yeah, I do. For starters, why are we here, and what do you want with Earth? I'm a writer, you know!"

King Steve sighed. "Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Two years ago we found out that our planet was going to blow up sometime in the near future. So, we needed to find a substitute planet that would meet our needs. We needed a planet that was at least 70 percent water and could sustain life. Earth was the obvious choice. We faked a distress call to Galactic Hero Corps Committee and told them to send you. We told them very little, except that the survival of the universe relied on you two, and the secrecy of this mission. They fell for it."

"What makes you think they'll trade an entire planet for us?"

The King looked shocked. "Well, of course they would. Any civilized race would put the life of one of its own ahead of material things. I know we would."

Grunion Guy chuckled. "I'm afraid you don't know the human race too well, sir. They wouldn't even pay you a thousand dollars to get me back, let alone give up their best planet. In fact, Captain Dick probably wouldn't give you a dime for us."

The group of men were silent for a second. Then they all bent over to have a little conference. Grunion Guy couldn't hear what they said. Then, just as quickly, they turned to face him again.

"Well, I'm sorry. You two will simply have to remain here until they give us the planet, or you die, which ever comes first."

Sushi gave them an understanding shrug.

After the distressing news, Carlotta and Grunion Guy went back to their castle. "Look, Carlotta," Grunion yelled. "Let's quit with the games and start making sense. Transport us back to Earth, now!"

Carlotta smiled a beautiful, sly smile. "Look Grun, I would if I could. But I can't, so I won't."

"What do you mean you can't?"

"The alphabet is too ripe. Ka-boom!, if we do."

Huh?...Wait! Grunion thought he understood. "Do you mean, that if you transport us home, this world will blow up?"

Carlotta suddenly looked very excited. "Oh Grun, the gods love your Twinkie!" She hugged him.

Great, he'd figured it out, but wasn't any less confused than he had been before. Carlotta had known this all along, and she was really intriguing him. Everybody always thought that she was ten steps behind everyone else, but Grunion was beginning to realize that she was really always ten steps ahead.

"Okay, Carlotta." He spoke to her really slow and really calm. "What do we do now?"

She thought that one over, long and hard. Grunion could see her thought processes working on a solution. The knowledge was there, he knew, but could she communicate it?

"When in Rome, bark like a cactus."

No, he thought, I guess not.

"Grunie? If the alphabet is too ripe, then fix it. It's so simple."

Simple, huh? Grunion didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about. He decided that this would be his last intergalactic mission for a while.

"Look Carlotta, I don't know what you're talking about. So, if you know what the problem is, why don't you fix it?"

Carlotta started to laugh out loud. She laughed and laughed for a long time. Grunion thought he was going to have to slap her or something.

"The alphabet looks great to me, Grun. Only you can bite the guitar." She stroked his hair lovingly. "Picture this in your head: There is a kite, flying high in the sky. Only a strong and noble bat can reach it, for it is a dragon kite. Now, this bat must also be very smart, and realize that it is only a kite and not a real dragon. Did you know that most bats are afraid of dragons?"

Grunion Guy did not reply.

"Anyway," she continued, her eyes transfixed on the ceiling. "This bat must fly to the kite, avoiding the temptation to eat raspberries along the way, for it is a fruit bat. When it finally reaches the kite it must nurture it and befriend it so that the kite can return to the ground safely, even if it doesn't want to."

Again, Grunion Guy said nothing.

"See Grunie, I told you it was simple."

Grunion smacked his forehead with his hand. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home, but somehow leave Carlotta here.

Then, an idea struck him. Maybe if he started to talk like her she would understand what he wanted. Maybe if he acted like a gibbering idiot like her, she would tell him what to do. Hell, it was worth a try.

He tried to think of something to say. "The cow is not as brown as it was yesterday."

Carlotta cocked her head in puzzlement. He was getting somewhere! He tried again.

"I'm looking over a four leaf clover," he added. Boy, that was a good one, he thought.

"Grunie, you sound like an idiot. You're not making any sense at all."

Aarghhh!

Okay, okay, he was going to keep his patience. "Carlotta, help me please," he whimpered.

"I know its tough, but you'll manage, Grun. After all, he who runs with the pixies is not likely to drink much tea."

Oh boy, time to think again. He decided to analyze what she'd said. Obviously, he was the bat, and the kite was. . .? "Carlotta, is the kite a metaphor for our escape out of here, or does it represent the problem of the planet?"

She smiled. "The kite is the poodle belonging to the lamb."

He'd take that to mean it represented the problem of the planet. So, he was supposed to save the planet from blowing up.

"Carlotta dear, why am I any different from the other bats?"

She thought this was amusing. "Because you can sing as well as dance."

What could he do that the Blips couldn't? Surely they had full underwater abilities. Ahh, but could they speak with the sea life?

"Can they talk to the fish?"

"Anybody can sing to the fish, Grunion, don't be silly. It's when the fish sing back that is important."

Now he understood. "Wait here Carlotta, I'm going to save the world."

Just before he left, she stopped him.

"Don't forget the raspberries." She kissed him on the cheek and floated back to her room.

Grunion Guy walked through the castle until he got to the underground entrance to one of the sea channels. He flipped open the door, dove into the water, and swam toward a school of fish nearby.

"Hello," he called to them. The fish looked surprised to hear someone talking to them.

"Gloob gloob," the fish replied.

Grunion Guy was glad they were friendly.

"I'm Grunion Guy of the Galactic Hero Corps and I'm trying to save your planet."

"Gloob gloob," said the fish.

"Glad to hear it. Say, can you point me in the direction of someone who might know what's destroying your planet?"

"Gloob gloob!"

"Say, that's great. Thanks a bunch." And Grunion Guy swam off to find Jimmy The Great White Shark. Grunion hoped that this shark was equally as friendly. He'd found that sharks could be quite temperamental sometimes. And, above all else, you never argued with a great white.

Right away, Grunion could tell that this shark had an attitude.

"What do you mean I have to give you something in exchange for the information!"

"Gloob gloob!" the shark said angrily.

Okay, now don't make him mad, Grunion told himself. This guy could tear me in half in no time. But, it was so easy to lose your temper with them. Maybe there was another way out of this.

"Look Jimmy, I really want to help you, but I can't. Just tell me why the planet is going to blow up." Don't make him mad, he reminded himself.

"Gloob gloob," the shark said sarcastically.

"I can't do it! Please, just tell me what I want to know!" Don't make him mad!

"Gloob gloob."

"Yeah, well FUCK YOU!" Oops.

"Gloob gloob?" The great white inched closer.

"No Jimmy, you misunderstood. Heh, heh. I said fuck me. I'm always saying that to myself. Fuck me! Yeah, fuck you Grunion Guy! Heh, heh, see?"

"Gloob gloob."

"Please Jimmy! Your life, and the life of every fish and every Blip depends on me getting this information. Please tell me."

"Gloob gloob?" the shark asked meekly.

"No, I can't. You'll just have to find your own virgin to eat."

"Gloob gloob," he said reluctantly.

"Now, what's the problem with the planet."

"Gloob gloob."

"It is?"

"Gloob gloob."

"Why?"

"Gloob gloob."

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"Gloob gloob."

"Wow, that's what I thought you said. Thanks a lot Jimmy. Good luck in your search for a virgin." Business concluded, Grunion Guy swam away to save the world.

As he was swimming, he started formulating a plan in his head. The shark had told him quite a lot, and Grunion Guy knew tough times were ahead. Apparently, a superpowered being from another planet had taken up residence in a sea base far below the surface. This being was supposedly powering this secret base with energy from the planet's hot core. Unfortunately, the base's energy demands were putting a strain on the planet, and it was slowly deteriorating to the point of exploding. Somehow, a surge of energy such as Carlotta transporting them home, could detonate the planet at any time. Carlotta would have to explain the physics of it to him later. No, on second thought, he wouldn't ask.

Grunion wondered what type of fiend could pull such an evil stunt. Who could be so cruel and vile? Who could be so mean and spiteful? Who could destroy an entire planet full of life without even batting an eyelash? Well, any number of villains, he supposed. They were all about the same.

With the shark's directions, he soon found the secret base. It was deep within an underwater cave, and it was camouflaged so thoroughly that he would have missed it completely, if he hadn't run into it.

"Ouch."

He quickly found an airlock and climbed inside. It was surprisingly well lit, with long windy corridors. Grunion chose one and walked down it quietly.

Soon he came to a large room, and in it was a swimming pool. Grunion couldn't believe his eyes. Swimming in the pool were five gorgeous mermaids. When they saw him, they climbed out of the pool and instantly changed into the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Each one was completely naked, and had a body to die for. They began walking toward him.

"Hi," a gorgeous blonde spoke. "Would you like to have sex with all five of us?"

Grunion's mouth hit his knees. "Uh, would you mind repeating that? I didn't quite catch what you said."

All five girls giggled simultaneously. This time a red head spoke. "We want to fuck you."

This was a really nice situation, he thought. Wow, he could seriously deal with more assignments like this. Assignment? What assignment? Saving the world could wait ten minutes! Or ten years.

He undid his belt and started walking toward them. He was already picturing where each one would stand as they did it. Then Carlotta's voice rang out in his head.

Don't forget the raspberries.

Raspberries? Maybe that meant he was supposed to wear a condom. No, that couldn't be it. Ahhh, it was the temptation that Carlotta mentioned.

But, they were such nice raspberries and big!

No, he had to save the world. They were a trap. They probably would try to kill him. He couldn't give in.

Maybe he could give in just a little bit. Maybe he could make them think he was giving in, but really wouldn't. No, one little nibble on a breast and he'd be finished for sure. But, he couldn't just turn them down, they might get suspicious and kill him anyway. He had to think fast.

An idea came to him, and he was forced to say the hardest words he'd ever utter. "Sorry ladies," he said in his most manly voice. "I'm impotent." And in case that wasn't enough, "And gay."

"Ahhhh," sighed the blond. "I guess we'll just have to wait then. Did I tell you that we are all innocent virgins looking for our first experiences in carnal activities?"

Aarghhh! It was mental anguish.

"No," he gasped in a cracked, strained voice. "I... like... men." And he bolted from the room.

Whew! That had been the closest call of his career. Now, it was time to find the kingpin of this operation. Up ahead he saw a door marked 'Secret Control Room: Do Not Enter'. Grunion Guy assumed that this was the place. He strode up to the door, turned the handle, and threw it wide open.

"Grunion Guy!" the voice was loud, and very surprised. It could only belong to one man. Unfortunately, Grunion Guy didn't know who.

"Who are you?" he asked.

The stranger before him laughed. "Don't you recognize me?"

"No, or I wouldn't of asked who you were."

"Oh, in that case, I'm the arch villain Preying Mantis,"

"Who?"

"Preying -- that's preying with an 'e' -- Mantis. Haven't you heard of me?"

Grunion Guy thought for a moment. "No."

"Preying Mantis! I did that famous Louisville Heist!"

"Sorry, doesn't ring a bell."

"Urgh. I tried to kidnap the president of Tanzania a few years back. Remember that?"

Grunion Guy shrugged. "Sorry."

"Well, never mind, it doesn't matter now. With the stuff that I've been developing in my secret laboratory here, I'll soon rule the galaxy. Then, everyone will know the name Preying Mantis."

"Did you know that your lab is going to cause the world to blow up?" Grunion inquired.

"Which world?"

"This one."

"The one were on?"

"Yes"

"So?"

"So?" Grunion asked surprised. "I'm going to stop you."

"Oh no you're not, because I know something you don't"

Grunion Guy chuckled. "And just what might that be?"

"HA!" Preying Mantis exclaimed. "I know that you're standing on a secret trap door."

"Well, what if I moved out of the way?"

Preying Mantis gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"HA, I just did, now you're standing on it!"

"You're lying! You didn't even move, and neither did I."

"Oh yeah? Just release the trap door and you'll see who's right."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Then get over here," Preying Mantis said angrily, while leveling a ray gun at Grunion. "And don't try anything funny, or I'll blast you."

Grudgingly, Grunion Guy switched places with Preying Mantis.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to send you to the bowels of Blipworld, you fool. All I have to do is pull this lever here, and y --"

Casually, Grunion Guy walked over to the control panel and shut the base down, thus saving the planet. He then walked out of the room and back down the hall to the pool room. The five beauties were laying beside the pool. They walked towards him once again.

"Look, you can leave now," he told them. "Your master is gone, your trap didn't work, and you can cut the act now."

"Act?" asked the blond.

"Master?" the redhead chimed in. "We don't know what you're talking about. Like I said, we are five gorgeous virgins looking to experience our first carnal pleasures."

Grunion's mouth hit his knees again. He opened it to speak, his mind was racing again.

"Th-th-then your offer still stands?" he pleaded.

"No, I'm afraid we're also very impressionable. After talking to you we have decided to become gay ourselves. Thank you for your advice. Goodbye."

And with that they all left the room.

Grunion stood there silent for about forty five minutes, thinking about what might have been.

Raspberries.

He was going to kill Carlotta!

After that day, Grunion Guy was never really the same.

 

Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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