by Doom Bunny
Grunion Guy wasn't very happy being a hero.
Sure, saving people's lives and fighting crime could be fun and
exciting, but it had never been his dream in life. For as long
as Grunion Guy could remember, he had dreamed of becoming an
If only he could get his stories published.
To date he had written over 40 novels.
Each one sat in a cardboard box somewhere in his room next to
it's corresponding rejection letter. He just couldn't understand
why publishers didn't like his stories. They all seemed fine
to him. Every single rejection discouraged him, but that would
all change because of his latest thriller, The Climatic Battle.
The Climactic Battle
The good guy sneered at the bad guy.
"You're gonna pay for what you did
to my mother," he said.
"Oh yeah?" the bad guy said.
"Well, you're stupid."
"Oh, no I'm not," said the good
guy. "You're stupid."
"Well, you're stupider."
"Well, you're the stupidest person
in the entire universe, so there!" the good guy exclaimed.
"Uh-uh, you are" countered the
bad guy effortlessly.
So the good guy pulled out a gun and shot
"I'm dying," said the bad guy.
"Yeah," the good guy said. "And
you're stupid too."
Wow, Grunion Guy thought, that's my best
one yet. He quickly stacked the papers together and put them
with the other things to be mailed tomorrow. If this story didn't
make it, he decided, nothing would.
Grunion Guy looked up from his desk to
see Bright Boy standing at his door.
"Hey Grun, the Captain has an assignment
Grunion Guy frowned. This was his second
assignment this year. Why couldn't they get somebody else to
"Do you know what it is?" he
asked Bright Boy.
"Not really. Something about an aquatic
planet that is in some trouble."
Grunion Guy sighed. "Thanks."
° ° °
From outside Captain Dick's office, Grunion
Guy could hear the Captain shouting.
"Somebody get that Fish in here, pronto!
And find out where that fucking space-ace bitch with the small
breasts has got to! God, this is pathetic."
Taking a deep breath, Grunion Guy stepped
into his commander's office. "You wanted to see me sir?"
Captain Dick eyed him. "Its about
time you fucking got here. Your punctuality is pathetic."
Dick paused. "And where's the Queen of Confusion?"
"Uh... you mean Carlotta?"
The Captain grinned impatiently. "Yes,
I mean Carlotta," he squeaked mockingly. "She's probably
off talking to the gophers or something."
On cue, Carlotta Everyday appeared in the
"Oh, there you are. Having a good
day, Carlotta?" sneered Dick.
"Rainbows," Carlotta answered.
Dick rolled his eyes.
Grunion Guy noticed that Captain Dick had
been right, though. Carlotta indeed had small breasts.
"Rainbows," Captain Dick whispered
to himself. "Fucking great."
Captain Dick handed Grunion Guy a thin
file. Grunion Guy flipped through it, finding nothing but a single
page with a single word -- Blipworld.
"This doesn't tell me much, Captain
"Yeah? Well the Committee didn't tell
me much either, except that this gets top priority. I guess you'll
just have to find out what's going on when you get there."
Great. Now I'm stuck traveling with Carlotta
to some aquatic planet where I have to fix some big important
problem, only nobody knew what the problem was.
"Don't stand there looking confused,
you fuck!" Captain Dick yelled. "Get going!"
Grunion Guy left the Captain's office,
guiding Carlotta Everyday down the hall in front of him.
"Are you all ready to go?" he
"You know?" she replied.
Grunion Guy held up the location brief
in front of her face. Her beautiful gray eyes looked glazed and
"Okay, Carlotta," he spoke calmly.
"Lets go here."
With a nod and a wink, Carlotta replied.
"Porcupines are people too, Grunion."
And they vanished. Porcupines?
° ° °
Porcupines? And they appeared.
Grunion Guy and Carlotta Everyday stood
on a rocky outcropping, overlooking a vast ocean.
They had not been there very long when
a humanoid figure advanced toward them from the city. He looked
like a normal man, except that his skin seemed to have a green
tint to it.
"Greetings, heroes," the man
said. "I'm Sushi, Representative of the Blips. Welcome to
"Uh, greetings. Yeah," Grunion
stumbled. "Uh, what can we do for you?" Sushi?
"They did not tell you?" Sushi
looked puzzled. "We are going to hold you for ransom until
you give us the planet Earth."
° ° °
"Grunion Guy and Carlotta Everyday
of the Galactic Hero Corps, I wish you to meet the leaders of
our beautiful world," announced Sushi. "This here is
John, mayor of Bliptown. This is Ralph, President of Blipcountry,
and this man is King Steve, ruler of all Blipworld."
They all shook hands, except Carlotta,
who didn't look like she was paying attention.
"Say Sushi," Grunion asked quietly.
"I understand you guys are part fish and all, but everybody
else has such normal names. Why are you called Sushi?"
Sushi bowed his head in shame, a tear rolled
down his cheek. "It was my parents idea of a joke. They
were very cruel."
"Uh, yeah, I get it," Grunion
said. "Once, a hundred years ago, back on Earth, a guitarist
named Brent Stickles named his daughter Tess."
"Grunion Guy," King Steve called
out, "I've heard so much about you, since you are so much
like us and all. You must have many questions."
"Yeah, I do. For starters, why are
we here, and what do you want with Earth? I'm a writer, you know!"
King Steve sighed. "Maybe I'd better
start at the beginning. Two years ago we found out that our planet
was going to blow up sometime in the near future. So, we needed
to find a substitute planet that would meet our needs. We needed
a planet that was at least 70 percent water and could sustain
life. Earth was the obvious choice. We faked a distress call
to Galactic Hero Corps Committee and told them to send you. We
told them very little, except that the survival of the universe
relied on you two, and the secrecy of this mission. They fell
"What makes you think they'll trade
an entire planet for us?"
The King looked shocked. "Well, of
course they would. Any civilized race would put the life of one
of its own ahead of material things. I know we would."
Grunion Guy chuckled. "I'm afraid
you don't know the human race too well, sir. They wouldn't even
pay you a thousand dollars to get me back, let alone give up
their best planet. In fact, Captain Dick probably wouldn't give
you a dime for us."
The group of men were silent for a second.
Then they all bent over to have a little conference. Grunion
Guy couldn't hear what they said. Then, just as quickly, they
turned to face him again.
"Well, I'm sorry. You two will simply
have to remain here until they give us the planet, or you die,
which ever comes first."
Sushi gave them an understanding shrug.
After the distressing news, Carlotta and
Grunion Guy went back to their castle. "Look, Carlotta,"
Grunion yelled. "Let's quit with the games and start making
sense. Transport us back to Earth, now!"
Carlotta smiled a beautiful, sly smile.
"Look Grun, I would if I could. But I can't, so I won't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
"The alphabet is too ripe. Ka-boom!,
if we do."
Huh?...Wait! Grunion thought he understood.
"Do you mean, that if you transport us home, this world
will blow up?"
Carlotta suddenly looked very excited.
"Oh Grun, the gods love your Twinkie!" She hugged him.
Great, he'd figured it out, but wasn't
any less confused than he had been before. Carlotta had known
this all along, and she was really intriguing him. Everybody
always thought that she was ten steps behind everyone else, but
Grunion was beginning to realize that she was really always ten
"Okay, Carlotta." He spoke to
her really slow and really calm. "What do we do now?"
She thought that one over, long and hard.
Grunion could see her thought processes working on a solution.
The knowledge was there, he knew, but could she communicate it?
"When in Rome, bark like a cactus."
No, he thought, I guess not.
"Grunie? If the alphabet is too ripe,
then fix it. It's so simple."
Simple, huh? Grunion didn't have a clue
as to what she was talking about. He decided that this would
be his last intergalactic mission for a while.
"Look Carlotta, I don't know what
you're talking about. So, if you know what the problem is, why
don't you fix it?"
Carlotta started to laugh out loud. She
laughed and laughed for a long time. Grunion thought he was going
to have to slap her or something.
"The alphabet looks great to me, Grun.
Only you can bite the guitar." She stroked his hair lovingly.
"Picture this in your head: There is a kite, flying high
in the sky. Only a strong and noble bat can reach it, for it
is a dragon kite. Now, this bat must also be very smart, and
realize that it is only a kite and not a real dragon. Did you
know that most bats are afraid of dragons?"
Grunion Guy did not reply.
"Anyway," she continued, her
eyes transfixed on the ceiling. "This bat must fly to the
kite, avoiding the temptation to eat raspberries along the way,
for it is a fruit bat. When it finally reaches the kite it must
nurture it and befriend it so that the kite can return to the
ground safely, even if it doesn't want to."
Again, Grunion Guy said nothing.
"See Grunie, I told you it was simple."
Grunion smacked his forehead with his hand.
He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home, but somehow leave
Then, an idea struck him. Maybe if he started
to talk like her she would understand what he wanted. Maybe if
he acted like a gibbering idiot like her, she would tell him
what to do. Hell, it was worth a try.
He tried to think of something to say.
"The cow is not as brown as it was yesterday."
Carlotta cocked her head in puzzlement.
He was getting somewhere! He tried again.
"I'm looking over a four leaf clover,"
he added. Boy, that was a good one, he thought.
"Grunie, you sound like an idiot.
You're not making any sense at all."
Okay, okay, he was going to keep his patience.
"Carlotta, help me please," he whimpered.
"I know its tough, but you'll manage,
Grun. After all, he who runs with the pixies is not likely to
drink much tea."
Oh boy, time to think again. He decided
to analyze what she'd said. Obviously, he was the bat, and the
kite was. . .? "Carlotta, is the kite a metaphor for our
escape out of here, or does it represent the problem of the planet?"
She smiled. "The kite is the poodle
belonging to the lamb."
He'd take that to mean it represented the
problem of the planet. So, he was supposed to save the planet
from blowing up.
"Carlotta dear, why am I any different
from the other bats?"
She thought this was amusing. "Because
you can sing as well as dance."
What could he do that the Blips couldn't?
Surely they had full underwater abilities. Ahh, but could they
speak with the sea life?
"Can they talk to the fish?"
"Anybody can sing to the fish, Grunion,
don't be silly. It's when the fish sing back that is important."
Now he understood. "Wait here Carlotta,
I'm going to save the world."
Just before he left, she stopped him.
"Don't forget the raspberries."
She kissed him on the cheek and floated back to her room.
Grunion Guy walked through the castle until
he got to the underground entrance to one of the sea channels.
He flipped open the door, dove into the water, and swam toward
a school of fish nearby.
"Hello," he called to them. The
fish looked surprised to hear someone talking to them.
"Gloob gloob," the fish replied.
Grunion Guy was glad they were friendly.
"I'm Grunion Guy of the Galactic Hero
Corps and I'm trying to save your planet."
"Gloob gloob," said the fish.
"Glad to hear it. Say, can you point
me in the direction of someone who might know what's destroying
"Say, that's great. Thanks a bunch."
And Grunion Guy swam off to find Jimmy The Great White Shark.
Grunion hoped that this shark was equally as friendly. He'd found
that sharks could be quite temperamental sometimes. And, above
all else, you never argued with a great white.
Right away, Grunion could tell that this
shark had an attitude.
"What do you mean I have to give you
something in exchange for the information!"
"Gloob gloob!" the shark said
Okay, now don't make him mad, Grunion told
himself. This guy could tear me in half in no time. But, it was
so easy to lose your temper with them. Maybe there was another
way out of this.
"Look Jimmy, I really want to help
you, but I can't. Just tell me why the planet is going to blow
up." Don't make him mad, he reminded himself.
"Gloob gloob," the shark said
"I can't do it! Please, just tell
me what I want to know!" Don't make him mad!
"Yeah, well FUCK YOU!" Oops.
"Gloob gloob?" The great white
"No Jimmy, you misunderstood. Heh,
heh. I said fuck me. I'm always saying that to myself.
Fuck me! Yeah, fuck you Grunion Guy! Heh, heh, see?"
"Please Jimmy! Your life, and the
life of every fish and every Blip depends on me getting this
information. Please tell me."
"Gloob gloob?" the shark asked
"No, I can't. You'll just have to
find your own virgin to eat."
"Gloob gloob," he said reluctantly.
"Now, what's the problem with the
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
"Wow, that's what I thought you said.
Thanks a lot Jimmy. Good luck in your search for a virgin."
Business concluded, Grunion Guy swam away to save the world.
As he was swimming, he started formulating
a plan in his head. The shark had told him quite a lot, and Grunion
Guy knew tough times were ahead. Apparently, a superpowered being
from another planet had taken up residence in a sea base far
below the surface. This being was supposedly powering this secret
base with energy from the planet's hot core. Unfortunately, the
base's energy demands were putting a strain on the planet, and
it was slowly deteriorating to the point of exploding. Somehow,
a surge of energy such as Carlotta transporting them home, could
detonate the planet at any time. Carlotta would have to explain
the physics of it to him later. No, on second thought, he wouldn't
Grunion wondered what type of fiend could
pull such an evil stunt. Who could be so cruel and vile? Who
could be so mean and spiteful? Who could destroy an entire planet
full of life without even batting an eyelash? Well, any number
of villains, he supposed. They were all about the same.
With the shark's directions, he soon found
the secret base. It was deep within an underwater cave, and it
was camouflaged so thoroughly that he would have missed it completely,
if he hadn't run into it.
He quickly found an airlock and climbed
inside. It was surprisingly well lit, with long windy corridors.
Grunion chose one and walked down it quietly.
Soon he came to a large room, and in it
was a swimming pool. Grunion couldn't believe his eyes. Swimming
in the pool were five gorgeous mermaids. When they saw him, they
climbed out of the pool and instantly changed into the most beautiful
women he had ever seen. Each one was completely naked, and had
a body to die for. They began walking toward him.
"Hi," a gorgeous blonde spoke.
"Would you like to have sex with all five of us?"
Grunion's mouth hit his knees. "Uh,
would you mind repeating that? I didn't quite catch what you
All five girls giggled simultaneously.
This time a red head spoke. "We want to fuck you."
This was a really nice situation, he thought.
Wow, he could seriously deal with more assignments like this.
Assignment? What assignment? Saving the world could wait ten
minutes! Or ten years.
He undid his belt and started walking toward
them. He was already picturing where each one would stand as
they did it. Then Carlotta's voice rang out in his head.
Don't forget the raspberries.
Raspberries? Maybe that meant he was supposed
to wear a condom. No, that couldn't be it. Ahhh, it was the temptation
that Carlotta mentioned.
But, they were such nice raspberries and
No, he had to save the world. They were
a trap. They probably would try to kill him. He couldn't give
Maybe he could give in just a little bit.
Maybe he could make them think he was giving in, but really wouldn't.
No, one little nibble on a breast and he'd be finished for sure.
But, he couldn't just turn them down, they might get suspicious
and kill him anyway. He had to think fast.
An idea came to him, and he was forced
to say the hardest words he'd ever utter. "Sorry ladies,"
he said in his most manly voice. "I'm impotent." And
in case that wasn't enough, "And gay."
"Ahhhh," sighed the blond. "I
guess we'll just have to wait then. Did I tell you that we are
all innocent virgins looking for our first experiences in carnal
was mental anguish.
"No," he gasped in a cracked,
strained voice. "I... like... men." And he bolted from
Whew! That had been the closest call of
his career. Now, it was time to find the kingpin of this operation.
Up ahead he saw a door marked 'Secret Control Room: Do Not Enter'.
Grunion Guy assumed that this was the place. He strode up to
the door, turned the handle, and threw it wide open.
"Grunion Guy!" the voice was
loud, and very surprised. It could only belong to one man. Unfortunately,
Grunion Guy didn't know who.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The stranger before him laughed. "Don't
you recognize me?"
"No, or I wouldn't of asked who you
"Oh, in that case, I'm the arch villain
"Preying -- that's preying with an
'e' -- Mantis. Haven't you heard of me?"
Grunion Guy thought for a moment. "No."
"Preying Mantis! I did that famous
"Sorry, doesn't ring a bell."
"Urgh. I tried to kidnap the president
of Tanzania a few years back. Remember that?"
Grunion Guy shrugged. "Sorry."
"Well, never mind, it doesn't matter
now. With the stuff that I've been developing in my secret laboratory
here, I'll soon rule the galaxy. Then, everyone will know the
name Preying Mantis."
"Did you know that your lab is going
to cause the world to blow up?" Grunion inquired.
"The one were on?"
"So?" Grunion asked surprised.
"I'm going to stop you."
"Oh no you're not, because I know
something you don't"
Grunion Guy chuckled. "And just what
might that be?"
"HA!" Preying Mantis exclaimed.
"I know that you're standing on a secret trap door."
"Well, what if I moved out of the
Preying Mantis gasped. "You wouldn't!"
"HA, I just did, now you're standing
"You're lying! You didn't even move,
and neither did I."
"Oh yeah? Just release the trap door
and you'll see who's right."
"Then get over here," Preying
Mantis said angrily, while leveling a ray gun at Grunion. "And
don't try anything funny, or I'll blast you."
Grudgingly, Grunion Guy switched places
with Preying Mantis.
"What are you going to do?" he
"I'm going to send you to the bowels
of Blipworld, you fool. All I have to do is pull this lever here,
and y --"
Casually, Grunion Guy walked over to the
control panel and shut the base down, thus saving the planet.
He then walked out of the room and back down the hall to the
pool room. The five beauties were laying beside the pool. They
walked towards him once again.
"Look, you can leave now," he
told them. "Your master is gone, your trap didn't work,
and you can cut the act now."
"Act?" asked the blond.
"Master?" the redhead chimed
in. "We don't know what you're talking about. Like I said,
we are five gorgeous virgins looking to experience our first
Grunion's mouth hit his knees again. He
opened it to speak, his mind was racing again.
"Th-th-then your offer still stands?"
"No, I'm afraid we're also very impressionable.
After talking to you we have decided to become gay ourselves.
Thank you for your advice. Goodbye."
And with that they all left the room.
Grunion stood there silent for about forty
five minutes, thinking about what might have been.
He was going to kill Carlotta!
After that day, Grunion Guy was never really