Teleman on Television

by Upright & Doom Bunny

Week One

"Turn on the TV, Buck!" yelled Bill from his favorite pastel green beanbag. He was really excited.

"I will in just a moment Bill! I have to wait for my special popcorn to pop!" Bill knew Buck was telling the truth, he could sense the impatience in his voice.

Five seconds passed. Bill started getting jittery. He didn't know what to do. Get up, grab the controller, and let his bag get cold, or keep his seat warm and just wait.

Boy, the decisions a person has to make, he thought ruefully.

Nice Alice walked in. "Is the show on yet?"

Bill sighed. "Not yet. Why don't you turn the TV on?"

"Okay." Nice Alice turned the TV on.

The TV was on.

"Hey, is the TV show on yet?" called out Buck.

"Nope, but ya better hurry up with that popcorn!" called out Bill.

Dirk Daring, Greased Lightning and Super Mummy came in.

"Is it on yet?" asked Greased, smirking as he sat down next to Nice Alice. Dirk sat next to him, and Super Mummy sat on the floor.

"Just a moment," assured Bill.

Snailman, Insectorama, Bright Boy and Mr. Mystic came in. "TV's the devil's child, Lulu," Mr. Mystic warned Bright Boy. "I don' know whys you gotta partake in such perversion, girl."

"I'm not Lulu. I'm not a girl. Leave me alone." Bright Boy sat on the floor in front of Alice, who began to play with his tiny French braid. Brandon sighed.

"Oh, Mr. Mystic!" yelled out Alice sweetly. She shoved Greased Lightning over and patted the now empty spot. "You can sit here next to me!"

Mr. Mystic chuckled as he sat down next to Nice Alice. "Well, certainly I will, little pretty girly. I can only imagine what it must be like to be surrounded by punks like these here boys. Why, I have a right mind to send them into a cold water shower, just to cool off their hot pants!"

"I sure wish he'd take a shower," Greased whispered to Dirk. Dirk nodded.

"Is it on yet?" yelled Buck. "My special popcorn's almost ready!"

"You got about thirty seconds!" yelled Bill.

Grunion Guy appeared at the door way. "Hey guys, I just wrote my new story! It's called "Merciless Mary, Mother of the Messiah!" It's about this woman, and she...OUCH!" Grunion Guy was crushed under Captain Dick as he strode in, apparently not noticing the wet hero.

"Where's my chair, you fucks?" he demanded, throwing Snailman a deadly glare.

Snailman shrugged.

The TV show came on.

"This is the real story," said one male voice.

"Of what happens," said another male voice.

"When seven people," said a female voice.

"Live together," said an alien voice.

"In one house," said a female alien voice.

"And they don't even know know each other," said a female voice.

"This is the Real World," ended a truly nondescript voice. It could have been male. Or female for that matter.

"Teleman!" yelled the assembled heroes. There was Teleman as clear as day on The Real World105.

"Is it on, is it on?" Buck screamed, racing around the corner from the kitchen so as not to miss anything. In his hands was a huge bowl of his famous popcorn.

"I can't live with this idiot," Jane said. She was the first female to speak during the introduction. "I mean, I might not agree with the others on politics and stuff, and the one alien likes to screw herd animals, but at least I feel like I can possibly live with them. Teleman is just such a dope. I've never seen anybody act so (BLEEP) stupid in all my life."

"Hi!" Teleman said, entering the room.

"This is the confession room you moron!" Jane yelled. "We're supposed to be in here alone!"

"Oh, I thought this was the bathroom."

"This is not the (BLEEP) bathroom. Does this look like the (BLEEP) bathroom?"

"It did last night. I wouldn't go standing in that corner then if I were you, you know."

"Get out!"

"But it has the same door as the bathroom!"

"Get out. Oh God, it stinks in here. I'm getting out too."

Jane left from the view of the camera. Teleman sat down in her place.

"I don't understand what her problem is. She has been out to get me since Day One. So what if I ran over her cat before I backed into her car? So what if I leave what I thought was the the toilet seat up in the confession room? She's too opinionated. They all are. I just try to be myself. I'm a good, smart person --

The Galactic Hero Corps snorted.

"-- and I'm just going to be myself."

Suddenly, the room was filled with the other roommates.

"We've taken a vote," Grug the alien said. "And we think you should move out."

"But we've only been living together since yesterday," Teleman whined.

"Well if you don't leave," Jane said. "We will."

"Fine," Teleman said. "You go, and I'll have this big house all to myself!"

Week Two

"Give me more of your special popcorn!" yelled out Bill. Buck tossed the bowl from across the room and Bill caught it without a problem.

"This is the real story," said one male voice.

"Of what happens," said another male voice.

"When seven people," said a female voice.

"Live together," said an alien voice.

"In one house," said a female alien voice.

"And they don't even know know each other," said a female voice.

"This is the Real World," ended a truly nondescript voice.

"Teleman!" screamed the assembled heroes, hooting.

Teleman combed his hair straight down, as always. Then, he put on his silver jump suit with "Teleman" printed across it. "Today," he told nobody in particular as he ate his Captain Crunch, "we're gonna meet my new roommates! Boy, I sure can't wait! Those other guys were such losers. Hey, here they are now!"

Two men, one woman, and a Bralari Tri-Twin materialized in the living room.

"Wow, like, check this place out!" exclaimed the woman.

"I couldn't believe it," explained Tracy in confessional. "It was, like, a fantasy land or something! It was so cool! You know? The only thing that sucked was that weirdo in there, you know? But GRABAKA took care of him, you know? Like, you know?"

Teleman jumped up from the kitchen table and yelled, "Hey guys! I'm Teleman and I'm your new roommate!"

"Wow," Bill said. "I'm sure glad they only tape-delay this show one hour instead of three months like they used to."

"So that's Teleman's real-live blood? And the ambulance driver is carrying him away this instant?" screamed Insectorama

"Not exactly, it happened an hour ago," explained Bill patiently. "But ain't it cool?"

"It is soooooo cool."

"Quiet, you fucks," Captain Dick hollered. "I can't hear what is going on."

"So, let me get this straight," the policeman on screen said. "You admit to breaking both his arms and twisting his head around in a complete circle?"

"Yes," GRABAKA said. "And I'd do it again."

"But didn't you just meet him?" the cop asked.

"Yeah, but he looked like a complete dork. It was Teleman, you know."

"Teleman? Who's that?"

GRABAKA shrugged. "Said he was a hero. Like, whatever."

The cop paused for a minute. "Well, I'm gonna pretend like I didn't see this one and let you off with a warning. But don't let me see you doing this again."

"Okay." The policeman left the screen, and all of the other new roommates came up and started giving GRABAKA high-fives.

"I think I just saw Teleman on TV!" Insectorama exclaimed, yelling from a chair in the corner of the room.

"Shut up!" Captain Dick screamed. He knew that this whole publicity thing that he'd worked out with MTV was going to fail. He immediately got on the phone.

"Hello, is this MTV?" asked Captain Dick cordially. "Yes, this is Captain Dick of the Galactic Hero Corps, and I just wanted to talk to the person in charge? Sure, I can hold."

"Hey, pass me the popcorn back, Bill," Buck called. Bill threw it back to him with perfect precision.

Week Three

"This is the real story," said one male voice.

"Of what happens," said another male voice.

"When, like, seven people," said a female voice.

"Live together," said one Tri-Twin voice.

"In one house," said another Tri-Twin voice.

"And they don't even know know each other," said a third Tri-Twin voice.

"This is the Real World," ended a truly nondescript voice.

"Teleman!" cheered the Galactic Hero Corps.

"Who?" asked several voices in the Television Room.

"Hey, why's his voice on the intro?" screamed the other six voices. The picture panned to them, sitting around the living room and eating take-out Chinese. They had just settled the condom issue when suddenly Teleman's voice had broken in.

"Cause I'm back guys!" said Teleman, telekinetically floating through a window. His bandages prevented him from moving very much.

The other six stared at him in horror.

"I just wanted to let you guys know," began Teleman with tears in his eyes, "that I'm not holding anything against you. I know that this show is all about differences and stuff, and that we have to just work things out. So how about you feed me some Chinese food through my mouth hole here and we'll talk and then you guys can sign my neck cast? Huh? How about it... pals?" Teleman giggled with delight.

"I'm still on hold. I can't fuckin' believe this shit." Captain Dick dusted himself off and hoped he didn't smell too bad after a week without a shower.

The scene on the television cut to a newsroom.

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this special report. A crowd of about six people is chasing a screaming man in bandages and a neck-cast around the streets of Montreal. Allegedly, the seven individuals are members of the cast of the television show Real World 105. You may be wondering why we interrupted your program for this report, especially since it's on a private cable channel. The strange thing about this story is that no people on the street are offering the screaming man, who has now just been identified as Teleman of the Galactic Hero Corps (whoever that is) any help at all. In fact, they seem to be joining in pursuit of the injured hero. This concludes this report. We now return you to your regular program."

"Stop! Please stop!" Teleman yelled, a large group of people close behind.

"Turn this shit off!" Captain Dick yelled.

Bill had already began turning the channel before the Captain spoke. He never watched boring TV programs, and that program was getting really boring. It was as if MTV thought he'd never seen someone kick Teleman's ass before. Or a mob, for that matter.

"Can I help you?" a voice said over the phone.

"Yes, this is Captain Dick of the Galactic Hero Corps, I want to talk to the producer of the 'Real World.'"

"Don't you want to vote for Most Requested Videos?"



Captain Dick, sighing, hung up. He would simply write the whole thing off as a loss. However, he vowed to never do any public relations gimmick involving Teleman ever again.


Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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