by Long Haired Hippy Freak
Super Mummy stood by the smoking remains
of Two-Fisted Willy and drooled. His vacant eyes stared out from
beneath the bandages and over the twisted form of Willy and into
the crowd of bystanders nearby. She was a beautiful dark skinned
brunette with polished brown eyes.
"Unnhh," moaned Super Mummy lustfully.
"Come on, Super Mummy. Let's get out
of this shit hole before we all start to stink," goaded
Greased Lightning. He reached out to tug on Super Mummy's bandaged
shoulder, but his hand was shaken loose.
"Unnhh," said Super Mummy angrily.
"All right, stay here and rot then."
Greased Lightning paused for a second, than began to chuckle.
He turned toward Nice Alice. "Get it, babe. Rot? He's a
fucking Mummy. Ha ha ha ha.... Whoa!" Greased Lightning
was cut short in mid-chuckle. "Check out the babe in the
crowd. I think it's time to improve public relations." He
started heading toward the brunette and was stopped by a painfully
large hand upon his shoulder.
"Unnhh," growled Super Mummy
"Yeah, right," laughed Greased
Lightning. "Like she would even sniff twice at your passing.
Keep dreaming, Cairo Face." Greased Lightning slipped from
his grasp and continued toward the woman. He was stopped short
by a bandage around his chest.
"Unnhh!" yelled Super Mummy at
the top of his voice, knocking a few members of the crowd on
their asses from the reverberations.
Greased Lightning slid from the bandage
and turned on Super Mummy. "You got a fucking problem here?"
Most people feared the wrath of Super Mummy since he was so terribly
strong, but Greased Lightning couldn't be touched. He had no
problem with pissing him off. "You are a couple of thousand
years old corpse. You stink, you can't speak a single word of
comprehensible English and you're covered in piss stained bandages.
Do you think for even one second anybody would be interested
"Unnhh," said Super Mummy mournfully
as he retracted his bandages. His shoulders sagged and he began
to turn away.
"That wasn't very nice, now was it?"
Greased Lightning turned toward Nice Alice, ready to defend his
actions. His eyes met hers and just as quickly dropped to his
feet. She could almost make him feel bad for what he had just
done. But then again, that was one fine piece of ass back there.
"I think Super Mummy's in love and
you shamelessly hit on the woman his heart yearns for?"
"He doesn't have a heart."
"That's beside the point. You've hurt
his feelings terribly." Super Mummy moaned in agreement.
"I think it would be nice of you to apologize."
Greased Lightning was just about to blurt
out where the apology could be shoved when the rest of the Corps
returned with Two-Fisted Willy's henchmen.
"How's everything here?" exclaimed
"Just fine," answered Nice Alice.
"Super Mummy's in love."
After the laughing had ended, Carlotta
Everyday transported them back to Headquarters. Super Mummy dragged
his feet dejectedly back to his room as Nice Alice described
the beautiful woman to the rest of the Corps.
"She was very tall, with beautiful
flowing brown hair..."
"And a tight ass," interjected
Nice Alice continued. "She looked
very athletic, with brilliant brown eyes..."
"And a great set of tits," said
Greased Lightning, cupping the air several inches out from his
chest with both hands.
"It was very romantic," chimed
Nice Alice. "I do hope they meet again."
° ° °
Super Mummy couldn't sleep. He wandered
out to the kitchen and sat alone in the dark. He could hear muffled
whispers and an occasional scream emanating from the other room.
Teleman and Bill were probably watching the Late Horror Show.
Super Mummy moaned in the dark and just sat.
Eventually, the light flickered on and
Bright Boy wandered in. "Hey, Loverboy. How's it goin'?"
"Unnhh," Super Mummy sighed.
"That bad, huh?" Bright Boy took
a Snapple from the fridge and frowned at it distastefully. He
glanced back in to make sure he didn't miss the soda and stared
directly at the fully loaded shelves of Snapple. Super Hot Babe
Nice Alice must have stocked the fridge. He shut the fridge and
popped open the container, taking a sip and wincing as he started
out of the room.
"Unnhh," said Super Mummy pathetically.
Bright Boy stopped in his tracks. Don't
do it, he thought. Don't turn around.
"Unnhhhhh," wailed Super Mummy
even more pathetically.
He's reaching out to you, Brandon. Give
him some good advice. "All right, let me give you some pointers
on women Super Mummy."
"Unnhh!" exclaimed Super Mummy
"Now, I don't have a whole lot of
experience with the opposite sex, but there was this one girl
back in junior high a couple years ago. Her name was Gloria something
or other and she was on the wrestling team. Man, could that girl
put a Full Nelson on you! Wow! I've never seen guys pinned faster.
She was so totally cool. I had to be her boyfriend. Well, I joined
the team, thinking I could meet her that way. And, well, I did
but not without a few stitches first. Anyway, you see, you have
to be willing to prove to your woman that you'd go to any lengths
"Unnhh?" asked Super Mummy.
"Yeah, was she impressed. Eventually
we started going out but all of a sudden, she stopped wrestling
and began wearing dresses and wanting flowers. And, like, all
of a sudden, she wants to kiss me. I mean, after she quit wrestling,
I really didn't like her anymore. And then she wants to kiss
"Unnhh," replied Super Mummy.
Bright Boy got up with his Snapple. "Man,
I wish I had that to do over again. She was hot!" Bright
Boy started to walk out of the room. "Anyways, good luck
"Unnhh," said Super Mummy as
Bright Boy turned out the lights, leaving him again in the dark.
From the hallway, Super Mummy heard Carlotta's voice as she passed
Brandon. "You would have been physically, mentally and emotionally
"Arrgh," wailed Bright Boy in
Carlotta entered the kitchen and noticed
Super Mummy sitting at the table. "It depends on whose advice
you take. I suggest you take mine and use your own." Her
eyes suddenly changed, staring through Super Mummy. "The
Nazi's went that way, sir!" Carlotta pointed at the fridge
Unnhh? thought Super Mummy as he again
sat alone in the dark. A buzzing sound caught Super Mummy's attention.
He swung at the mosquito, batting it into the wall.
"Oof," groaned Insectorama as
he sat naked against the wall. "Uh, that did it, thanks.
I've been flying around here for weeks, I think." He shook
his head, trying to clear the bells from it. "You meet your
mystery lady yet, Super Mummy?"
"Unnhh," explained Super Mummy.
"It can be hard sometimes. Man, when
I first met Millie. She was the one true love of my life. She
was beautiful. I saw her for the first time in a pet store. She
had short blonde hair. Not really, really blonde but kind of
brownish. But not really, sort of a combination of the two. And
it wasn't really short, sort of shoulder length. But probably
longer, because it was kind of curly. But not really. Anyways,
she worked at this pet store. It was in this mall that I used
to go to because they had this restaurant there, I kind of forget
the name, but they made the best burgers I've ever tasted. They
were like covered with cheese and this great tasting relish I've
never had before. Anyways, I had just eaten one of those burgers
and I was walking by the pet store because it was on the way
out and I see this puppy in the window. It was really cute, the
puppy, not the window. I decided to go in and find out how much
it cost. The puppy, not the window. So I walk up to Millie and
I say, 'So, how much is that doggy in the window?' And she smiles
and says, 'Are you coming on to me?' and I think for a second
because I'm kind of confused by her question. Then I notice how
beautiful she is and I say, 'Why, yes, I'm coming on to you.'
And just like that we were in love. Of course, I never did get
that puppy and that really upsets me. Anyways, you see, you have
to be willing to make sacrifices for your woman. Do you understand,
Super Mummy? Umm, Super Mummy? Are you there?" Insectorama
looked around the kitchen but could find no trace of Super Mummy.
He shrugged his shoulders, turned into a mosquito and buzzed
° ° °
Super Mummy awoke to the blaring drone
of Captain Dick over the intercom.
"Get up you miserable fucks. Do you
want to know how badly you all fucked up? Very badly, you shit-for-brains
Corps. Two-Fisted Willy. Do any of you recognize the name? DO
YOU!?!? Who the fuck was supposed to bring him in? He's regenerated
and he's more pissed-off than ever after what that lame-ass Bright
Boy did to him. Now get your tired butts down to the transporter
room and get that bastard."
The intercom snapped off and Super Mummy
hurried toward the transporter room. Unnhh, unhh, unh, he thought
excitedly. As he shambled down the corridor, Grunion Guy caught
up with him.
"Looks like you get a second chance,
huh? Here, I was thinking last night you'd need some kind of
edge to win her heart. I mean, with your speech problem and all,
so I wrote a love letter to her from you. That's the way to win
her heart, romance. Women love it. And if that note doesn't melt
her heart, I don't know what will." Grunion Guy patted Super
Mummy on the back and hurried ahead. Super Mummy clutched at
the letter and continued to shamble on down the hall.
He entered the transporter room where everybody
was waiting for him. Nice Alice smiled nicely at him. Bright
Boy gave him a thumbs up. Greased Lightning suppressed a chuckle.
Grunion Guy winked at him. Carlotta looked through him. Insectorama
buzzed knowingly by his ear. Snailman dripped. And Dirk Daring
"Let's go," he said in a booming
voice and Carlotta zipped them away.
° ° °
None of the Corps were sure how much time
it took Carlotta to transport them. Nobody was even sure it took
any time or if it gave any time. But one thing was for sure,
it took long enough that during transportation, Dirk Daring had
time to hand Super Mummy a condom.
° ° °
They appeared in the middle of the city
park. Most of the trees were yanked up out of the ground and
all of the ducks were dead. Nice Alice's eyes opened wide in
shocked horror as she saw all of the poor little birdies lying
dead on the ground. She fell to her knees, useless.
"Only Two-Fisted Willy could be this
sadistic," shouted Dirk confidently. A crowd of people began
to accumulate at the sound of his voice. "Let's get him!"
he cried as he flew up into the air to scan for Willy. Insectorama
buzzed right along with him while the others scouted the park.
Suddenly, an insane bout of sadistic laughter
rose up from the edge of the park. Grunion Guy was closest. "Come
on, gang. Follow me toward the evil laughter." He waved
his hand for the others to follow, which they did.
"Stay back, good people. We don't
want anyone getting hurt," commanded Dirk in his sleekest
of voices. People began backing away. Grunion Guy disappeared
through some bushes and there was a loud whack followed by a
louder cry of pain. Super Mummy, followed by Greased Lightning
and Bright Boy broke through the bushes to see Grunion Guy lying
in a heap next to Two-Fisted Willy. Willy's clothes were burnt
beyond recognition from his last encounter with Bright Boy and
an evil grin stretched across his still scarred face. His hair
was coming out in strange wisps of blackened wires scattered
around bald spots all over his head. One of his oversized hands
was balled up in a fist and within the other was the beautiful
brown haired woman.
"Let her go, Willy," boomed Dirk's
authoritive voice from high up in the air. Willy picked up Grunion
Guy and threw him at Dirk, who easily dodged out of the way.
"You'll have to do better than..." Dirk stopped in
mid-sentence and flew off to save Grunion Guy from splattering
across the road.
Snailman broke through the bushes just
as Insectorama changed back to human form, falling from the sky
where he had been hovering by Dirk. He landed on Snailman's sticky
form and they both lay there, unconscious.
"Unnhh," yelled Super Mummy at
Two-Fisted Willy who only replied with an evil cackle.
"Help me, Dirk," yelled the beautiful
brunette with the blossoming brown eyes.
Greased Lightning shouted, "Forget
that drip, babe, why not let a real looker haul your ass out
of that fire." With that, he charged Willy, who took a meager
swing at him. Greased Lightning turned frictionless and the blow
slipped right off of him, but Greased Lightning also slipped
right by along the ground. He slid wildly through the grass and
finally slid right into the pond and disappeared from sight.
Super Mummy's mind had been cranking but
he couldn't decide what to do. He couldn't attack for fear of
hurting the beautiful woman. He looked to Bright Boy for help.
Bright Boy just shrugged.
"I can't control my power. I might
burn her up, too," he said meekly. Super Mummy turned back
toward Two-Fisted Willy and pondered. Willy began to undo the
buttons on the woman's blouse laughing the whole time.
"I can't believe the ducks are dead!"
screamed Nice Alice from somewhere not far off. Super Mummy got
an idea. He concentrated all his power on summoning help from
the Land of the Dead. He could feel it working just as the woman
screamed out, "Here comes Dirk. I'm saved!" Following
Dirk was a whole army of strangely deformed ducks. Their heads
sagged as if their necks were broken and their wings flapped
awkwardly. Super Mummy concentrated and they descended on Willy,
beating at him wildly.
"Hey," screamed Willy as he let
go of the woman to beat the ducks away. The woman ran for safety
as Bright Boy blasted Willy to a smoking pulp. Again.
Dirk landed next to the smoking form and
kicked it with his boot. "You people are safe from this
evil scourge for now. Be thankful we are on your side."
The crowd cheered and the beautiful woman ran from the crowd
and wrapped herself around him, kissing him all over. Dirk gently
pushed her away. "I'm sorry miss, a different heart aches
for you." With that, Dirk walked away, giving Super Mummy
But Super Mummy had seen the way she had
looked at Dirk. He knew it was a hopeless task, hearing in his
head Greased Lightning's words from the day before. "Nobody
would be interested in you." He dropped the letter and walked
away. The letter fluttered to the ground, landing in a patch
of Snailman's goop.
° ° °
Later, after the Galactic Hero Corps had
left, Emily, the beautiful brunette, was walking through the
park. She stumbled across the letter and began reading it:
Dear Pretty Brown Haired Girl With The
Pretty Brown Eyes,
I love you a lot. A whole darn lot.
I wish I could kiss you on the lips. That would be nice. You
are very pretty. I love how pretty you are. Maybe we could go
She couldn't quite make out the name which
had smeared from some grotesque slime on the bottom of the letter.
But she fancied, if she squinted real hard, and looked at it
at an extreme angle, in the shade, she fancied she could just
make out the signature.
Emily clutched the letter to her chest,
sighed and walked away to show her friends.