Mummy Love

by Long Haired Hippy Freak

Super Mummy stood by the smoking remains of Two-Fisted Willy and drooled. His vacant eyes stared out from beneath the bandages and over the twisted form of Willy and into the crowd of bystanders nearby. She was a beautiful dark skinned brunette with polished brown eyes.

"Unnhh," moaned Super Mummy lustfully.

"Come on, Super Mummy. Let's get out of this shit hole before we all start to stink," goaded Greased Lightning. He reached out to tug on Super Mummy's bandaged shoulder, but his hand was shaken loose.

"Unnhh," said Super Mummy angrily.

"All right, stay here and rot then." Greased Lightning paused for a second, than began to chuckle. He turned toward Nice Alice. "Get it, babe. Rot? He's a fucking Mummy. Ha ha ha ha.... Whoa!" Greased Lightning was cut short in mid-chuckle. "Check out the babe in the crowd. I think it's time to improve public relations." He started heading toward the brunette and was stopped by a painfully large hand upon his shoulder.

"Unnhh," growled Super Mummy in warning.

"Yeah, right," laughed Greased Lightning. "Like she would even sniff twice at your passing. Keep dreaming, Cairo Face." Greased Lightning slipped from his grasp and continued toward the woman. He was stopped short by a bandage around his chest.

"Unnhh!" yelled Super Mummy at the top of his voice, knocking a few members of the crowd on their asses from the reverberations.

Greased Lightning slid from the bandage and turned on Super Mummy. "You got a fucking problem here?" Most people feared the wrath of Super Mummy since he was so terribly strong, but Greased Lightning couldn't be touched. He had no problem with pissing him off. "You are a couple of thousand years old corpse. You stink, you can't speak a single word of comprehensible English and you're covered in piss stained bandages. Do you think for even one second anybody would be interested in you?"

"Unnhh," said Super Mummy mournfully as he retracted his bandages. His shoulders sagged and he began to turn away.

"That wasn't very nice, now was it?" Greased Lightning turned toward Nice Alice, ready to defend his actions. His eyes met hers and just as quickly dropped to his feet. She could almost make him feel bad for what he had just done. But then again, that was one fine piece of ass back there.

"I think Super Mummy's in love and you shamelessly hit on the woman his heart yearns for?"

"He doesn't have a heart."

"That's beside the point. You've hurt his feelings terribly." Super Mummy moaned in agreement. "I think it would be nice of you to apologize."

Greased Lightning was just about to blurt out where the apology could be shoved when the rest of the Corps returned with Two-Fisted Willy's henchmen.

"How's everything here?" exclaimed Bright Boy.

"Just fine," answered Nice Alice. "Super Mummy's in love."

After the laughing had ended, Carlotta Everyday transported them back to Headquarters. Super Mummy dragged his feet dejectedly back to his room as Nice Alice described the beautiful woman to the rest of the Corps.

"She was very tall, with beautiful flowing brown hair..."

"And a tight ass," interjected Greased Lightning.

Nice Alice continued. "She looked very athletic, with brilliant brown eyes..."

"And a great set of tits," said Greased Lightning, cupping the air several inches out from his chest with both hands.

"It was very romantic," chimed Nice Alice. "I do hope they meet again."

° ° °

Super Mummy couldn't sleep. He wandered out to the kitchen and sat alone in the dark. He could hear muffled whispers and an occasional scream emanating from the other room. Teleman and Bill were probably watching the Late Horror Show. Super Mummy moaned in the dark and just sat.

Eventually, the light flickered on and Bright Boy wandered in. "Hey, Loverboy. How's it goin'?"

"Unnhh," Super Mummy sighed.

"That bad, huh?" Bright Boy took a Snapple from the fridge and frowned at it distastefully. He glanced back in to make sure he didn't miss the soda and stared directly at the fully loaded shelves of Snapple. Super Hot Babe Nice Alice must have stocked the fridge. He shut the fridge and popped open the container, taking a sip and wincing as he started out of the room.

"Unnhh," said Super Mummy pathetically.

Bright Boy stopped in his tracks. Don't do it, he thought. Don't turn around.

"Unnhhhhh," wailed Super Mummy even more pathetically.

He's reaching out to you, Brandon. Give him some good advice. "All right, let me give you some pointers on women Super Mummy."

"Unnhh!" exclaimed Super Mummy excitedly.

"Now, I don't have a whole lot of experience with the opposite sex, but there was this one girl back in junior high a couple years ago. Her name was Gloria something or other and she was on the wrestling team. Man, could that girl put a Full Nelson on you! Wow! I've never seen guys pinned faster. She was so totally cool. I had to be her boyfriend. Well, I joined the team, thinking I could meet her that way. And, well, I did but not without a few stitches first. Anyway, you see, you have to be willing to prove to your woman that you'd go to any lengths for her."

"Unnhh?" asked Super Mummy.

"Yeah, was she impressed. Eventually we started going out but all of a sudden, she stopped wrestling and began wearing dresses and wanting flowers. And, like, all of a sudden, she wants to kiss me. I mean, after she quit wrestling, I really didn't like her anymore. And then she wants to kiss me, yech!"

"Unnhh," replied Super Mummy.

Bright Boy got up with his Snapple. "Man, I wish I had that to do over again. She was hot!" Bright Boy started to walk out of the room. "Anyways, good luck with whats-her-name."

"Unnhh," said Super Mummy as Bright Boy turned out the lights, leaving him again in the dark. From the hallway, Super Mummy heard Carlotta's voice as she passed Brandon. "You would have been physically, mentally and emotionally fulfilled, Brandon."

"Arrgh," wailed Bright Boy in frustration.

Carlotta entered the kitchen and noticed Super Mummy sitting at the table. "It depends on whose advice you take. I suggest you take mine and use your own." Her eyes suddenly changed, staring through Super Mummy. "The Nazi's went that way, sir!" Carlotta pointed at the fridge and left.

Unnhh? thought Super Mummy as he again sat alone in the dark. A buzzing sound caught Super Mummy's attention. He swung at the mosquito, batting it into the wall.

"Oof," groaned Insectorama as he sat naked against the wall. "Uh, that did it, thanks. I've been flying around here for weeks, I think." He shook his head, trying to clear the bells from it. "You meet your mystery lady yet, Super Mummy?"

"Unnhh," explained Super Mummy.

"It can be hard sometimes. Man, when I first met Millie. She was the one true love of my life. She was beautiful. I saw her for the first time in a pet store. She had short blonde hair. Not really, really blonde but kind of brownish. But not really, sort of a combination of the two. And it wasn't really short, sort of shoulder length. But probably longer, because it was kind of curly. But not really. Anyways, she worked at this pet store. It was in this mall that I used to go to because they had this restaurant there, I kind of forget the name, but they made the best burgers I've ever tasted. They were like covered with cheese and this great tasting relish I've never had before. Anyways, I had just eaten one of those burgers and I was walking by the pet store because it was on the way out and I see this puppy in the window. It was really cute, the puppy, not the window. I decided to go in and find out how much it cost. The puppy, not the window. So I walk up to Millie and I say, 'So, how much is that doggy in the window?' And she smiles and says, 'Are you coming on to me?' and I think for a second because I'm kind of confused by her question. Then I notice how beautiful she is and I say, 'Why, yes, I'm coming on to you.' And just like that we were in love. Of course, I never did get that puppy and that really upsets me. Anyways, you see, you have to be willing to make sacrifices for your woman. Do you understand, Super Mummy? Umm, Super Mummy? Are you there?" Insectorama looked around the kitchen but could find no trace of Super Mummy. He shrugged his shoulders, turned into a mosquito and buzzed away.

° ° °

Super Mummy awoke to the blaring drone of Captain Dick over the intercom.

"Get up you miserable fucks. Do you want to know how badly you all fucked up? Very badly, you shit-for-brains Corps. Two-Fisted Willy. Do any of you recognize the name? DO YOU!?!? Who the fuck was supposed to bring him in? He's regenerated and he's more pissed-off than ever after what that lame-ass Bright Boy did to him. Now get your tired butts down to the transporter room and get that bastard."

The intercom snapped off and Super Mummy hurried toward the transporter room. Unnhh, unhh, unh, he thought excitedly. As he shambled down the corridor, Grunion Guy caught up with him.

"Looks like you get a second chance, huh? Here, I was thinking last night you'd need some kind of edge to win her heart. I mean, with your speech problem and all, so I wrote a love letter to her from you. That's the way to win her heart, romance. Women love it. And if that note doesn't melt her heart, I don't know what will." Grunion Guy patted Super Mummy on the back and hurried ahead. Super Mummy clutched at the letter and continued to shamble on down the hall.

He entered the transporter room where everybody was waiting for him. Nice Alice smiled nicely at him. Bright Boy gave him a thumbs up. Greased Lightning suppressed a chuckle. Grunion Guy winked at him. Carlotta looked through him. Insectorama buzzed knowingly by his ear. Snailman dripped. And Dirk Daring smiled confidently.

"Let's go," he said in a booming voice and Carlotta zipped them away.

° ° °

None of the Corps were sure how much time it took Carlotta to transport them. Nobody was even sure it took any time or if it gave any time. But one thing was for sure, it took long enough that during transportation, Dirk Daring had time to hand Super Mummy a condom.

° ° °

They appeared in the middle of the city park. Most of the trees were yanked up out of the ground and all of the ducks were dead. Nice Alice's eyes opened wide in shocked horror as she saw all of the poor little birdies lying dead on the ground. She fell to her knees, useless.

"Only Two-Fisted Willy could be this sadistic," shouted Dirk confidently. A crowd of people began to accumulate at the sound of his voice. "Let's get him!" he cried as he flew up into the air to scan for Willy. Insectorama buzzed right along with him while the others scouted the park.

Suddenly, an insane bout of sadistic laughter rose up from the edge of the park. Grunion Guy was closest. "Come on, gang. Follow me toward the evil laughter." He waved his hand for the others to follow, which they did.

"Stay back, good people. We don't want anyone getting hurt," commanded Dirk in his sleekest of voices. People began backing away. Grunion Guy disappeared through some bushes and there was a loud whack followed by a louder cry of pain. Super Mummy, followed by Greased Lightning and Bright Boy broke through the bushes to see Grunion Guy lying in a heap next to Two-Fisted Willy. Willy's clothes were burnt beyond recognition from his last encounter with Bright Boy and an evil grin stretched across his still scarred face. His hair was coming out in strange wisps of blackened wires scattered around bald spots all over his head. One of his oversized hands was balled up in a fist and within the other was the beautiful brown haired woman.

"Let her go, Willy," boomed Dirk's authoritive voice from high up in the air. Willy picked up Grunion Guy and threw him at Dirk, who easily dodged out of the way. "You'll have to do better than..." Dirk stopped in mid-sentence and flew off to save Grunion Guy from splattering across the road.

Snailman broke through the bushes just as Insectorama changed back to human form, falling from the sky where he had been hovering by Dirk. He landed on Snailman's sticky form and they both lay there, unconscious.

"Unnhh," yelled Super Mummy at Two-Fisted Willy who only replied with an evil cackle.

"Help me, Dirk," yelled the beautiful brunette with the blossoming brown eyes.

Greased Lightning shouted, "Forget that drip, babe, why not let a real looker haul your ass out of that fire." With that, he charged Willy, who took a meager swing at him. Greased Lightning turned frictionless and the blow slipped right off of him, but Greased Lightning also slipped right by along the ground. He slid wildly through the grass and finally slid right into the pond and disappeared from sight.

Super Mummy's mind had been cranking but he couldn't decide what to do. He couldn't attack for fear of hurting the beautiful woman. He looked to Bright Boy for help. Bright Boy just shrugged.

"I can't control my power. I might burn her up, too," he said meekly. Super Mummy turned back toward Two-Fisted Willy and pondered. Willy began to undo the buttons on the woman's blouse laughing the whole time.

"I can't believe the ducks are dead!" screamed Nice Alice from somewhere not far off. Super Mummy got an idea. He concentrated all his power on summoning help from the Land of the Dead. He could feel it working just as the woman screamed out, "Here comes Dirk. I'm saved!" Following Dirk was a whole army of strangely deformed ducks. Their heads sagged as if their necks were broken and their wings flapped awkwardly. Super Mummy concentrated and they descended on Willy, beating at him wildly.

"Hey," screamed Willy as he let go of the woman to beat the ducks away. The woman ran for safety as Bright Boy blasted Willy to a smoking pulp. Again.

Dirk landed next to the smoking form and kicked it with his boot. "You people are safe from this evil scourge for now. Be thankful we are on your side." The crowd cheered and the beautiful woman ran from the crowd and wrapped herself around him, kissing him all over. Dirk gently pushed her away. "I'm sorry miss, a different heart aches for you." With that, Dirk walked away, giving Super Mummy a wink.

But Super Mummy had seen the way she had looked at Dirk. He knew it was a hopeless task, hearing in his head Greased Lightning's words from the day before. "Nobody would be interested in you." He dropped the letter and walked away. The letter fluttered to the ground, landing in a patch of Snailman's goop.

° ° °

Later, after the Galactic Hero Corps had left, Emily, the beautiful brunette, was walking through the park. She stumbled across the letter and began reading it:

Dear Pretty Brown Haired Girl With The Pretty Brown Eyes,

I love you a lot. A whole darn lot. I wish I could kiss you on the lips. That would be nice. You are very pretty. I love how pretty you are. Maybe we could go out sometime.


She couldn't quite make out the name which had smeared from some grotesque slime on the bottom of the letter. But she fancied, if she squinted real hard, and looked at it at an extreme angle, in the shade, she fancied she could just make out the signature.

Dirk Daring.

Emily clutched the letter to her chest, sighed and walked away to show her friends.


Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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