The Death of Mr. Mystic
by Long Haired Hippy Freak,
Upright, and the Freak's Chick o' the Month
The Most Horrific War Ever
by Grunion Guy
It was the most horrific war ever. A
lot of people were dead and a lot more would die in the future.
The bad guys, the fiendish Quargs, were winning. The good guys,
the peaceful Whamps, were losing.
Grunion Guy paused. Boy, he thought, this
is gonna be the Great American Novel.
The Quargs and Whamps had been fighting
for a long time. It had been years and years. The Whamps were
good, and so, they were peaceful. The Quargs were bad, and so,
they were not peaceful. They had attacked the Whamps because
the Whamps were good and they did not like good people. And so
the two groups had been fighting for a really long time.
Okay, thought Grunion Guy, the background
has been set. Whoever reads this will be dying to know what happens
"We're losing!" screeched
the Whamps of the land to their leader, the handsome and good
He said,"I will go on a quest,
and save all of Whamp Land!"
"Yeah! " yelled the Whamps.
Woody said goodbye to the rest of the
Whamps and set off on his quest to save Whamp Land because the
Whamps were losing the war with the Quargs and they needed to
be saved. So he left.
He left and won the war for the Whamps.
All the Whamps were very very happy and said, "Yeah!"
Damn, thought Grunion Guy. It's a great
story, but no Great American Novel was only a half-page long.
I need more experience, more material to fill it out, make it
at least a page longer...
"Grunion Guy!" screamed Captain
Dick, "get your pathetic ass into my office! Pronto! You're
goin' on a mission!"
If only I had more time to complete my
stories, Grunion Guy pondered, slowly rising to his feet and
gathering all his notes. Suddenly he turned and dashed to the
typewriter for a quick addition to his novel before he was teleported
away once again.
"Get your funky shit-filled ass away
from that typewriter! " Captain Dick screamed.
Grunion Guy stopped short glancing back
over his shoulder. He looked back at the typewriter, than back
in the direction of Captain Dick's voice and then back at the
"Where the hell are you, you fucking
fish? If I have to come get your slimy ass over here, you'll
be so fucking sorry."
Grunion Guy dropped his notes in a panic
and ran back toward the transporter room where the others were
Halfway down the hall, Grunion Guy turned
a corner and ran head on into Death Rock.
"Sorry," screamed Grunion Guy,
prepared to meet Death Rock's duke. Again.
"S'okay, fish head." said Death
Rock. Nice Alice was right behind him. Death Rock was always
on his guard when he was around Alice. He really liked her. Which
was fine with Grunion Guy.
"Okay, blubberbutts, your mission
is to get in that damn transporter room right now! Do you understand,
morons? Can you do that without fucking up? Fuck! I knew it!
Grunion Guy, can you maybe try to walk with a little more panache!
Like that word- I learned it today on the Today Show. Fuck! Quit
tripping, Grunion Guy, you worthless dung-heap! Get in the transporter
room! Get! Get! NOW!!!" Captain Dick's voice reverberated
throughout the room as the Corps ran into the transporter room.
Waiting in the transporter room with Captain
Dick was Carlotta Everyday, Bright Boy, Insectorama, Death Rock
and Nice Alice.
"Carlotta, we're ready."
"Has the sun come by or has the moon
"What the fuck? I said let's get going!"
"Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel
"Carlotta, you bitch, transport us
"The milk went frigid yesterday."
"Shit. Shit. Shit. Where is Teleman?
I hate depending on that fuck. Teleman, you shit, get the hell
in the transporter room, now. Fucking idjits."
Teleman ran in, all excited. He was wearing
his new uniform, a much more exciting one. It was a gold jumpsuit
with 'Tele-" instead of Teleman written in block letters
across his chest. Now was the time to make an impact, to reveal
to the world the new Teleman. I hope the other's think the part
in my hair isn't too daring.
But just as he entered, Carlotta finally
got the clue and transported the others. Captain Dick looked
at him, sneering. "You look like a pathetic idiot, Teleman."
And then he left, laughing.
Leaving Teleman behind looking dejected
as usual, Carlotta was able to transport the group to the correct
destination, the murky swamps of Gaseous. There in the dark depths
lay their evil nemesis, Octoflare.
The group splashed to the ground after
materializing about five feet in the air.
"Why did Captain Dick send us here?"
asked Bright Boy.
"Octoflare is loose," responded
Carlotta, surprising everyone.
"That flat-chested bitch actually
makes sense sometimes, huh?" asked Death Rock as he scooted
between Bright Boy and Nice Alice.
Bright Boy looked up at Death Rock, red
faced and frustrated. "I guess, but who the fuck's Octoflare?"
"Can we breathe here?" asked
Suddenly everybody was on the ground, choking.
As they had stood there talking, the air had filled with a sickly
green gas and spread throughout the superheroes.
"I wo what wo wo. We wust wrawl wo
wa wair! " mumbled Death
Rock as he pinched his nose trying to keep from falling into
a fatal coma
from the smell.
"Wait! Although at first this air
could be construed to be poisonous, I know that it is not. I
know what it is!" announced Insectorama.
"It smells like a fart!" yelled
"But what could make a smell that
bad?" asked Bright Boy.
"Only one person I know of: Buck the
Ogre," said Insectorama just as Buck, Snailman, Greased
Lightning and Teleman appeared from the mist.
"Sorry, guys," said Buck, "but
you know how teleporting wreaks havoc with my system."
"Why are you guys here?"
"I'm here to save all your butts,"
announced Greased Lightning.
"You can save my butt anytime Greased."
"How do you like my new uniform guys?"
"Shut up Teleman."
"Oh no, I'm sticking to the muck,"
said Snailman slowly.
"That's because you're sticky and
covered in slime," announced Insectorama.
"Let me touch your cookies! Let
me touch your cookies..."
Death Rock sang as he played air guitar and eyed Nice Alice meaningfully.
Nice Alice blushed. Bright Boy frowned.
"So, what do we have to do?"
Nice Alice asked.
"Have to do...have to do...have to
do... Storm the Bastille!" shouted Carlotta Everyday, ripping
Teleman's new cape as she grabbed it, wrapped it around a stick
and set it on fire. With her torch blazing, she marched off singing
"My costume," screamed Teleman.
"I worked all night on that!" Teleman began to pout
as the others shrugged their shoulders and followed Carlotta,
having no better idea.
"What do you think she meant?"
asked Bright Boy.
"Beats me. What do you think she ever
means?" asked Greased Lightning.
Grunion Guy began looking around, taking
in the surrounding terrain as they walked along. A huge swamp
with lots of gas in the air, thought Grunion Guy. Talk about
experience, this is great! Suddenly Nice Alice screamed and he
turned to see what had happened, making a mental note to add
something suspenseful like this in his next book.
"Eeewww yuck! Buck!"
"Sorry Nice Alice, it's just, well,
"Check it out guys!" yelled Bright
Boy, ignoring Alice. The female sex, for that matter. He pointed
at a castle.
"It's a castle!"
"Hey, look at that, it's a castle!"
"A castle? Where?"
"In front of you, bug eyes!"
"Maybe a king lives in it, or a duke..."
"Let's introduce him to my duke!"
"Oh Death Rock, what are we going
to do with you?"
"Hell, lets just forget intros, let's
just kick some butt!"
"Dandies in their overcoats meet their
beginning at the end. Nothing is innocent, not even Pooh Bear."
Everybody stopped in there tracks and stared at Carlotta. Her
torch had been replaced by a shoulder mounted bazooka and she
wore a helmet with dark glasses. She turned toward the rest of
the group and yelled, "Let's Rock!"
"All right, now she's got the idea,"
roared Death Rock as he waved his fist in the air and charged
the castle, falling almost instantly into the surrounding moat.
"Whoops," he said as he sank under.
"Well, I guess it's about time I saved
his butt, too," shrugged Greased Lightning as he dove into
"That's okay, you needn't..."
began Bright Boy.
But it was too late, Greased was in. His
control over friction kept the slime of the moat off, but he
would have to turn it back on when he grabbed Death Rock. Greased
"What's wrong! Save him Greased!"
"But I'll get all dirty!" he
Suddenly, a look of bug eyed surprise came
over Greased. A ham sized, skull ringed, tattooed hand reached
out of the muck and grabbed his leg and dragged him down. Death
Rock pulled himself out of the muck, using Greased Lightning
as a step ladder. Greased got really dirty.
"Well, now you've saved even Death
Rock!" said Nice Alice, gleefully clapping her hands together.
"Yeah, well, I do save everyone's
butt sooner or later..."
Suddenly, there was a loud boom as Carlotta
fired the bazooka. A giant hole appeared in the side of the castle
and rubble rained down into the moat, making a makeshift bridge
"We're lucky the fish are biting,"
said Carlotta thoughtfully as she ran across the rubble and disappeared
into the hole.
"What's gotten into Carlotta?"
asked Bright Boy. Nobody answered. Again, they all followed Carlotta
for the sake that nobody had any better ideas.
It was pitch dark inside. Nobody could
see a thing until a giant spotlight flashed on, blinding them
all. Again, nobody could see a thing.
"What is the meaning of this!"
yelled a commanding voice from somewhere behind the spotlight.
"What is the meaning of this?"
yelled Quincy, Head Quarg of the Quargs.
Boy, this is great, thought Grunion Guy,
typing furiously on his wrist computer. He paused, awaiting the
"Meaning is a state of euphoria in
the chaotic plane of linear time," intoned Carlotta, firing
a bazooka round into the glaring light.
"I'll show you, you big fat Quarg!"
yelled Woody the Whamp. He stabbed at Quincy with his big sword.
There was a huge explosion and the light
"I'M BLIND! OH GOD, I'M BLIND!"
"Shut up Insectorama."
Suddenly, torches mounted high above the
room flared into light, revealing a giant in armor standing before
a huge doorway next to a ruined spot light.
"I am The Guardian of Octoflare's
secret domain!" boomed a giant voice from out of the giant
helmet. "If your champion can defeat me, you may pass."
A large number of heads swiveled back and
"Champion? Greased, you're our champion,
right?" bubbled Insectorama.
Greased Lightning looked up, way up, at
the giant in armor. "Um, I think maybe we should test out
the new kid? What do you think, Death Rock?"
Death Rock examined the hard shiny surface
of the giant armor. "Well, normally, I'd teach this overgrown
New Waver a thing or two about dukes, but, well, I think Bright
Boy could use the experience in a one-on-one fight."
All heads turned toward Bright Boy. Bright
Boy looked around to see who he could pass the buck to. Buck,
no, Snailman, no, Teleman, no, Grunion Guy, no, Super Hot Babe
Nice Alice, definitely no, and Carlotta, well, you know. Bright
Boy looked back toward Death Rock, "Flip for it?"
"Shee-it! Can't you rock?" sneered
Death Rock. Suddenly, he flipped his head back and howled, "Rock
rock 'til you drop! Rock rock never stop!"
"Enough!" boomed the Guardian
of Octoflare's Secret Domain. "You have been selected champion!"
He pointed in the general direction of the group.
"Me? Well, okay!" Insectorama
leapt forward, metallic green not so tight tights glistening
in the weak torch light.
"No Insectorama! We want to win this
fight!" yelled Teleman. Then he looked puzzled. "At
least, I think we do? Why do we want to find Octoflare's Secret
"To the death!" screamed The
Guardian, raising a huge armored fist.
"Okay!" screamed Insectorama
back. He turned into a flea and charged the Guardian.
"Screw the one-on-one shit! You fight
one of us, you fight us all!" announced Greased Lightning.
"Yeah, way to rock!" bellowed
Death Rock, charging.
"Yeah," said Snailman slowly,
launching a barrage of slime at the figure.
"Yeah," yelled Teleman.
"Yeah," said Bright Boy, pointing
a finger and firing a blast of lightning.
"Hey, no fair," whined the Guardian
as the slime slid off his armor and the lightning bounced away.
Greased Lightning slid to a halt, looking back at Bright Boy.
"How much power did you put into that?"
"Everything I got." Bright Boy
took a step back, bumping into Nice Alice.
The Guardian had lifted his hands up to
protect his face when he suddenly realized the barrage had ended.
He lowered his hands and looked at the hesitant bunch of heroes.
"Well..." he said, waiting for
the imminent rush. Death Rock was now the closest, looking back
at the others, puzzled.
"Are we gonna smash this dweeb or
what?" he asked. The others began to creep forward again,
not sure what to do.
"Hey, there was nothing in here to
bite," echoed Insectorama's voice from out of the giant's
helmet, "So I turned back. I think I'm in a boot."
"What? You mean, oh God, it's not
true!" screamed the Guardian. He lifted his visor and felt
around for something, anything. It wasn't there. "It's true,
oh no, oh no, it's true..." He started wailing as the Corps
crept forward carefully.
"Oh dear, what's wrong?" asked
Nice Alice. She sat next to him and put her arm around his shoulder.
"I'm not real! Octoflare said I was
real, but I'm not, I'm nothing b-b-but a ghost."
"It's true. I scanned him telepathically
and there's nothing there," announced Teleman.
The Guardian wailed a little louder.
"You're a complete ass, Teleman,"
"Guys, get me out," echoed Insectorama.
"If I'm not real, there's no point
in existing anymore," pouted the Guardian.
"Don't talk like that," consoled
Nice Alice. "I'm sure there's plenty of reasons to go on
"Like for your family," said
The Guardian broke down crying even more.
"My family's dead," screamed the Guardian who began
shuddering from his frantic sobs.
Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound filled the
room. It came echoing out of the visor, followed by a small mosquito
which began circling in the air.
"Being who you are is no reason to
stop being," said Carlotta from the corner of the room,
now dressed in full camouflage battle fatigues and armed with
a semi-automatic pistol. "So shut up and take it like the
man you used to be," she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Let's go." With that, Carlotta ran through a doorway
and down another darkened passage.
"C'mon, you can go with us,"
said Nice Alice, as everyone ran past them.
"But I can't really do anything,"
said the Guardian. "I just guard things like entrances and
"Maybe you could join the Corps and
help guard Headquarters with Bill," said Alice, suddenly
"Well, maybe... hey, that doesn't
sound half bad!"
"C'mon! You can show the rest of us
around this place."
"You could show us where all the secret
"Yeah! I can do that!"
Down the passage there was the large boom
of something dropping.
"What was that?"
"Oh. Uh, it was one of the traps I
was supposed to tell you about."
Nice Alice and The Guardian ran up the
passage to a huge steel gate barring the way. Everyone was inside.
"Hey, this is a trap," complained
"Hey, we're trapped!" screamed
"I just said that, buttface!"
"Shut up Teleman," said Snailman
Woody was trapped in a big trap...
Grunion Guy waited in anticipation for
something more to add. Suddenly, spikes extended from the roof
and the the ceiling began to drop.
Suddenly, real big spikes came out of
the ceiling and the ceiling began to drop slowly. It was a trap,
Grunion Guy began to get real excited,
waiting to see how Woody would escape from the deadly trap. He
sat down in the corner and watched.
"I think we're going to die,"
said Teleman as he watched the spikes get closer.
Greased began looking around. There was
only one other way out, and it too, was barred. "Hey, Insectorama,
turn into a bug and go through the bars to see if there's any
way of stopping that ceiling."
"Okay," replied Insectorama happily,
turning into a Black Widow and crawling between the bars. The
spider sat on the other side of the bars while the others waited.
And waited. The spikes grew closer. They waited.
The spikes fell further.
"Insectorama!" screamed Teleman.
"InsectoERK!" screamed Buck,
his massive fifteen foot high head the first to be impaled by
Fortunately, Buck's mass was enough to
stop the spikes advance. Grunion Guy thought in the corner, his
fingers at the ready.
Suddenly, the dropping ceiling was stopped
by the big ogre's fat head. Woody sighed, he was safe. Now to
find Quincy, he thought, and resume our sword fight. He left.
As the ceiling ground to a halt, the bars
lifted and the ceiling began to reverse directions. With a loud
pop, the spike which had entered Buck's head slid from his skull
and back into the roof. "Owww," commented Buck as he
rubbed his head, sliding his finger a foot deep in the puncture
wound which was spouting blood all over the room.
"Guys, I think I need a doctor..."
were Buck's last words as he slumped to the ground and died,
died, died. He was dead.
"Oh God, Buck's dead!" cried
"Well, he weren't much use to us anyway,"
answered Greased Lightning.
"But his meatloaf was the best,"
Buck's body shriveled into a tiny, hairy,
dry corpse. A wind came out of nowhere and blew away the remains.
"Buck died as a hero should. Sacrificially!"
cried out Insectorama, who had turned back to a human.
"No thanks to you, dufus," said
Teleman, poking at Insectorama's ribs.
"Hee Hee! Don't! That tickles!"
"Yeah? How about this then?"
"Hee Hee Hee! Stop that! Stop!"
"And that! And that!"
Insectorama was prancing about, retreating
before the barrage of Teleman's poking index fingers. Teleman
stalked him, weaving in and out of the group, fingers at the
The entire group suddenly turned as a loud
roaring sound began making its way down the hallway.
"What the hell is that?" asked
Greased Lightning, peering casually down the corridor. He could
"Everyone be quiet," whispered
Nice Alice as the group of heroes strained to listen at the approaching
"Yah hah ha ha ha ha!" screamed
Insectorama as Teleman gave him a truly vicious poke to the ribs.
"Knock it off, Teleman," screamed
everyone in unison. Except for Buck, who was dead. And shriveled.
And blown away. The sound emanating from the hall stopped and
everyone again was quiet, waiting.
"You all knock it off, bastards!"
Teleman screamed, sick of everybody treating him like they would
"Right. Look, I'm gonna take care
of that noise, you guys just stay out of trouble cause I might
be too busy to save your butts!" With that, Greased Lightning
flashed away down the corridor.
"If there's gonna be fist throwin',
then my fists have gotta be there!" roared Death Rock as
he ran after Greased Lightning.
Shlomp, shlomp, schlomp, schlomp. Snailman did not speak as he followed Death Rock.
"Edward sought to make England the
silk capital of the West. He smuggled out hundreds of silk worms
from Cathay and planted hundreds of black mulberry bushes for
the worms to feed upon. Little did he know that silk worms preferred
the white mulberry bush, thus ending Edward's dreams." Carlotta
stormed out of the room in full Royal Guard regalia.
"Stop it Teleman! Ha Ha Ha! STOP!"
screamed Insectorama as he ran out of the room, Teleman in full
"Uh, I guess, uh, it's just you and
me now, Nice Alice," stammered Bright Boy, flushing and
drawing circles in the ground with his foot.
"And the Guardian! Don't forget him!"
"Oh yeah. See ya," sighed Bright
Boy as he ran out the room.
"I think he likes you Nice Alice."
said the Guardian.
"Brandon's a nice boy."
"Yeah, well, I guess we should go
and see what they're about to get killed by."
"Don't you know?"
"Nuh-uh. I only guarded the entrance
to Octoflare's Secret Domain. Never went in it."
"Oh. Let's go and have a nice adventure
As they left, Grunion Guy typed furiously
from his corner of the room.
"No," answered the Quarg rebel
helping Woody. " Quincy only let us guard his stuff. We
did a lot of guarding."
"Let us face then this unknown
thing that threatens me. We will battle it and win, for the end
of the story is already written and all the Whamps say "Yeah."
So I won't die. Hopefully you won't either, though you be Quargian."
"Yes, but I am a good Quarg, and
hate my parents for ever giving me birth."
Grunion Guy looked up worriedly as he heard
Greased Lightning's distressed yell from down the hallway, followed
almost instantaneously by the rest of the group's distressed
yell. I'm missing out on the adventure, thought Grunion Guy as
he jumped up and ran headlong down the corridor. He stopped halfway
down it, noticing that there was no sign of the rest of the Corps.
He glanced back over his shoulder, but there was nobody there.
He glanced forward down the hall, but there was nothing there
but a tiny speaker blaring out the strange roar they had heard.
He looked up, but saw only a soot stained ceiling. Shrugging
his shoulders, he started forward and fell directly into the
pit in front of him.
He landed with a splash in a pool of water
in a darkened cavern. Small amounts of light filtered down through
the pit and he could make out the forms of the others lying on
the banks of the pool, gasping for breath.
"Hey, are you guys okay?" asked
Grunion Guy as he floated in the middle of the pool.
"Hunh?" gasped Greased Lightning,
looking back over his shoulder. "Grunion Guy! Get out of
that pool!" he yelled. Just then Grunion Guy felt something
wrap around his ankle and pull him under. As he was dragged under,
he struggled valiantly to keep his wrist computer from going
under, unsure if it was the waterproof model or not. I can't
lose my story, Grunion Guy panicked.
Grunion Guy placed his head under the water.
"Hey! Let me go!"
His assailant, a bright orange octopus
the size of three dead Bucks before he was shrunk, looked up
in surprise. "Gloob Gloob?"
"Yeah, you! I have the Great American
Novel on my wrist computer! Now you let me go or I'll, I'll..."
"I'll, I'll piss in the water! So
there! You better let go, cause I like to pee in water! It feels
so warm and..."
The octopus let go of Grunion Guy. With
his superior swimming abilities, Grunion Guy had no problem making
it to the edge without his computer getting wet.
"What the hell is an octopus doing
here?" wondered Greased Lightning.
"Oh, just doing his job. He said that
he was one of Octoflare's elite guard. That must mean were really
close to Octoflare."
"That's nice, but what's an Octoflare?"
inquired Nice Alice.
Grunion Guy considered. "Well, the
guard said that Octoflare was some kind of inter-dimensional
creature, I think."
"Stop it right now! OhOhOhOh! Ssssttttoooopppp!"
Insectorama had tears in his eyes.
"And that! And that! And that!"
cried Teleman, with a strange gleam in his eyes.
"So where to now?" asked Bright
Boy, looking toward Nice Alice.
"The trout swim upstream to mate,"
cried Carlotta, giving Grunion Guy a sly wink as she ran down
another passage. Again, everyone followed.
They soon came to another room with a huge
pool in the middle. Beneath the water could be seen an even bigger
octopus than in the other room.
"It must be another one of Octoflare's
guards," guessed Grunion Guy. "Let's get him!"
Grunion Guy was about to jump into the water and beat the creature
to a pulp when Greased Lightning tapped him on the shoulder and
pointed to a passage on the other side of the room. "Oh."
Grunion Guy walked around the pool with the others as the octopus
watched them leave in frustration.
After about ten more rooms like the first,
each housing an even bigger octopus than before, they arrived
at a gigantic set of glowing double doors. Carlotta was standing
at the bottom of them, feeling around the base. "Home is
where the heart is," she smiled as she swung them open with
a casual flick of the wrist.
The doors swung open into a void, an empty
space where nothing could be seen. Immediately everyone was sucked
"Well, this is a fix," decided
Greased Lightning as they floated about in nothing.
"I don't know. It's kind of nice,"
"Yeah. And quiet," whispered
"Yaaaaaaaa!!! HaHaHaHaHa! Quit it
"Over yonder is where the trails splits.
Ya'll headed for Caleefornia or Oreegon?" asked Carlotta,
dressed in a cowgirl outfit.
"What's that?" cried Bright Boy,
In the distance a speck of light that was
quickly growing larger came toward them. It grew larger and larger
"Ya'll better make a decision quick
afore them coyotes get here," drawled Carlotta.
Calee-hee hee haa haa ha," laughed Insectorama.
The light was practically upon them, impossibly
large, when Nice Alice finally screamed, "California!"
Carlotta nodded, "Nice a you to choose,
little lady!" Carlotta twirled on her heels in the vast
nothingness and they were suddenly elsewhere. They stood on a
huge outcropping of rock over looking a star studded valley below.
Standing at the edge of the rock was a stranger dressed in dusty
cowboy garb. Slung about his waist were eight dangerous looking
"So we meet again, stranger,"
said Carlotta as she advanced on him, her own gun set at her
"I ain't no stranger to ya, little
"So ya ain't, Octoflare. So ya ain't."
"You's should just give up now, Carlotta.
Epochalypse ain't hired just a gun fer hire, he went an' got
himself the best there ever was, at anytime."
"That's Octoflare? I thought he was
gonna be a big flaming octopus or something," sighed Bright
"Why are they talking like they're
"Shut up Insectorama."
"Shut up Insectorama."
"So Epochalypse cain't fight his own
battles no more, huh?" prodded Carlotta as she stepped closer,
her spurs clinking in the still air.
"Epochalypse just don't want ter waste
his time, is all. And in a way, it was always fitting that I
take you down myself." He went for his gun, going down on
one knee, and firing repeatedly toward Carlotta. Death Rock dove
in front of the fire, catching all five bullets with his face.
He shook his head, the bullets spraying off like drops of water.
"Now you've gone and pissed me off,
Octofuck. Prepare to meet my duke," he yelled, charging
at Octoflare. Octoflare pulled a different gun and fired a yellow
beam of energy at Death Rock, freezing him in some kind of pink
"I see you don't fight your own battles
either, Carlotta." Octoflare pulled a third gun, while somehow
still aiming the other two, and fired at the group of Corps members
standing in the background. A large grenade came flying at them.
was laughing loudly when the grenade landed squarely in his mouth.
However, Teleman wasn't done tickling.
"And that! And that!"
Insectorama swallowed the grenade.
"Dive trooper dive!" screamed
Carlotta through her gas mask.
Insectorama dove toward Octoflare.
"What in tarnation..." began
Octoflare, surprised at this stupidity. He drew another gun and
fired at Insectorama. Insectorama changed into a flea to dodge
the bullet and landed on Octoflare. There was a tiny pop as the
grenade exploded, leaving a naked Insectorama lying at Octoflare's
feet. Octoflare holstered his guns. "Ya want more of your
friends to die, Carlotta, or ya wannna duke this out one on one."
"Duke," strained Death Rock as
he slowly began to move toward Octoflare, the pink light struggling
to hold him still.
"She'll never fight alone, you bad
man," screamed Nice Alice. "Bright Boy, do something."
Bright Boy smiled. Death Rock was helpless
and Super Hot Babe Nice Alice was asking for his help. This was
his chance to impress her. He pointed his finger at Octoflare
and yelled, "Eat this!" There was a brief flash of
light and a strange popping sound, and Bright Boy turned bright
The battle between Quincy Quarg and
Woody Whamp raged on. The blows were going back and forth. First
Woody, then Quincy, then Woody. The battle could go either way,
although Woody was good so of course he would win, especially
since the end had already been written. But until then, the battle
raged on unpredictably.
Yes! thought Grunion Guy.
"Break on through! Break on through!"
sang out Death Rock, fighting against
the pink light with all his might. The light wavered. Death Rock
began to foam at the mouth and his eyes rolled into the back
of his head. "Break on through to the other side! Break
on through to the other side!"
And with that, the pink light disappeared.
Death Rock roared and charged Octoflare again, fists cocked.
Octoflare raised an eyebrow in minor irritation.
As Death Rock neared, Snailman and Greased Lightning began to
charge Octoflare also. Octoflare raised his biggest gun and pointed
it in Death Rock's face. Death Rock never hesitated, knocking
the gun out of Octoflare's grasp and bowling him over. Octoflare
tumbled to the ground and rolled up to the edge of the cliff.
Death Rock tripped over him and flipped over the edge, grabbing
onto Octoflare in sheer desperation. Octoflare grabbed at the
ground trying to keep himself upon the cliff as Death Rock hung
over the edge, slowly pulling both of them over.
"Be a rocker, man!" screamed
Death Rock. "Don't be a wuss! Hang on, don't be a Jovi fan!"
"Shut the hell up, you stinkin' varmint!"
"Rock on! Rock on! Rock on!"
"I say shut up already, you dang blamed
fool! All your shakin' an' jitterin' is upsettin' my grip!"
Death Rock calmed down.
Woody hung on to Quincy's boot with
all his might. "Don't be a Jovi fan!" he yelled really
"Death to all Whamps, and especially
you Woody. You ain't gonna have a happy ending! I'll see to that!
Ha Ha Ha!"
Nice Alice ran to the edge along side Bright
Boy and Greased Lightning. Carlotta just stood back, the gun
still resting on her hip. Snailman was still charging Octoflare
and Grunion Guy was absorbed in his writing. Teleman thought.
This could be my big chance, Teleman thought
excitedly. He reached out with his telekinetic ability and began
to raise Death Rock to safety. Death Rock floated about an inch
higher than he previously hung and then stopped. Sweat poured
down Teleman's head. What's this guy made out of, thought Teleman.
He couldn't lift him any higher.
Octoflare was beginning to scramble back
up to safety as Death Rock's body lightened. Nice Alice and Greased
each grabbed one arm and began helping pull Octoflare to safety.
As they yanked, Nice Alice suddenly had a huge gun pointed in
her face. Her vision blurred as she tried to comprehend what
she was seeing. Her and Greased Lightning each had a tight hold
on a separate arm, but he still had a gun in her face. Carlotta
screamed and suddenly Nice Alice was standing back in a cowgirl
suit, gun at her side and Carlotta was standing by Octoflare
with the gun in her face. Octoflare pulled the trigger.
Amazingly, he missed. "Dammit anyhow!"
"Strawberry fields forever!"
"You're kiddin', right? Epochalypse
would tan my hide real good."
"Can't buy me love," regretted
"Hey, I'm not down for the count yet!"
Suddenly, a flurry of gun butts cracked everyone on the head.
Except for Greased Lightning. "Your
ass is mine, Octolooser!"
"It's your burial son."
Greased charged Octoflare super quickly.
Octoflare fired another weapon the size of Milwaukee. An emerald
green light flooded Greased Lightning. To no effect.
"Yeah! Now I'll turn my friction on
and... Hey!" cried Greased Lightning, sliding around Octoflare
and headed back to the cliff edge.
"My power! I can't turn it back on!
Help!" Just as Greased Lightning was about to go over the
edge, he jarred to a halt. He looked around shakily and saw Snailman
lying unconscious beneath him, a puddle of his grotesque slime
gathered about his feet, holding his frictionless body fast.
Wow, thought Greased as he looked around, I hope nobody saw that
Snailman just saved my ass.
Grunion Guy was typing furiously, a grand
look in his eyes. I'm going to be rich, he dreamed.
Octoflare stood amongst the bodies of the
Corps laying about his feet. "Time to die," was all
he said as he pulled the deadliest looking gun yet. He glanced
around to see who he should shoot first when Nice Alice spoke
"Keep away from my friends, you evil
creep, you." Nice Alice pulled the gun from the holster
at her hip and raised it shakily toward Octoflare. She covered
her eyes with her free hand as her other shook uncontrollably.
Peeking between two of her fingers, she pulled the trigger.
Amazingly, she hit him. Octoflare's eyes
widened as he took a bullet in the chest. Spastically, he hit
the ground, moaning. Nice Alice, frozen in shocked horror, just
Octoflare was saying something.
Alice couldn't hear. She walked forward.
"...I, I got shot down by a girl!
A little bitty girl!"
"Actually, I'm not a girl. I'm a hermaphrodite
"I'm this!" Nice Alice suddenly
transformed into a huge, grotesque, four-eyed, bearded creature.
"Oh, oh, good. Good, then I weren't
shot down by no girl then."
Octoflare's eyes shuddered, then shut.
His body disappeared in a flash of light.
"Boo hoo hooo! I killed Octoflare!"
"He died not yet today!" comforted
Carlotta Everyday, shimmering as she appeared next to Nice Alice
as Clara Barton, founder of the Red Cross. "In dimensions
of four, one was birthed and killed in all seconds of all time.
No one is innocent of this, not even Pooh Bear."
"You mean, Octoflare's alive? Not
Carlotta turned to Nice Alice, smiling.
"Is the sky red on the eve of the planet's creation?"
"Uh, I don't know."
"Hey, somebody want to help me out
of this shit," yelled Greased Lightning, whose power had
returned. "I can't believe this shit sticks to me even when
I'm frictionless. It's disgusting." Carlotta smiled and
walked toward Greased. She reached down and touched the slime,
a grimace appearing on her face as she did so, and it suddenly
"Strange bedfellows," she laughed
at Greased, leaving him wondering if her comment was a come on
or an insult.
Quincy lay dying on the floor. He coughed
up blood because he was dying and he had a sword sticking out
of his body. It was Woody's sword. He had killed Quincy and saved
the Whamps. But he felt bad because he was a peaceful Whamp and
he had done a bad thing, not a good thing. Killing is bad, he
thought. But saving Whamp Land is good. He smiled. He was happy
and Whamp Land was happy. He knew because they said, "Yeah!"
"Is that it guys?" asked Grunion
Guy. "Are we going home now?"
"Yes," was all Carlotta said
before they disappeared, leaving the huge bluff empty.
"Hey, why didn't you fucks leave yet?"
screamed Captain Dick. Then he blinked. "Hey, where the
"What the fuck?"
"We defeated Octoflare," said
Nice Alice cheerfully.
"Yeah, he met me and the Dukes,"
growled Death Rock, grinding his fists together meatily.
"What do you mean you defeated Octoflare?
Who the fuck's Octoflare? You pathetic, miserable, no fucking
good fucks! You went on the wrong mission! And you didn't even
"Hold on," yelled Teleman, running
for the phone and dialing POPCORN.
"At the tone, the time will be 2:30
and thirty seconds. Exactly. BEEP!"
"He's right. I used the telephone
and found out the time we left is the same time we came back."
"Shut up Teleman. Anyone can use the
phone. What an ass," announced Greased Lightning to the
Everyone laughed, even Captain Dick. Then
he recovered himself and screamed, "Okay underlings, go
on to your real mission!"
"What is it?" asked Bright Boy.
"You have to save Mr. Mystic from
the clutches of the Maniacal Madman!"
"I've kicked his butt before! All
ya have to do is shoot the guy," said Greased Lightning.
Yes, thought Grunion Guy. Another adventure,
more experience. He quickly got to typing once again.
Woody looked at Quincy's body. It didn't
look right. He looked again. It still didn't look right. He got
down on his hands and knees and looked at it closer. Oh no, thought
Woody, that's not Quincy. It's his mom! Woody felt terrible.
He had killed the wrong person, so Whamp Land wasn't exactly
saved yet. But it would be, thought Woody. I'll find that maniacal
"Let's go guys!" screamed Grunion
Guy as he finished typing.
"Hold it, you fucks! Look at your
miserable asses! Half of you don't look fit enough for this mission.
Shit, one second you look good as new and the next, half of you
fucks are unconscious. What a bunch of fucking wimps! I'm leading
this mission. I don't want anything going wrong. Greased Lightning,
Death Rock, Carlotta and Ranger... Where the fuck is Ranger Ruben?
That shit! Teleman, go get that fuck. God, sometimes you people
just make me so fucking bug shit."
"Sorry about that," said Insectorama.
"Hey, I want to go!" cried out
Grunion Guy and Bright Boy at the same time. They looked at each
other and grinned.
"Jinx! Buy me a coke!" they yelled
at the same time again.
"Everybody just shut up dammit!"
Teleman entered the room. "Sir, mission
completed! I have retrieved Ranger... Hey, get back here!"
Teleman reached out into the corridor and pulled Ruben in.
"Y-you want me to go on a mission?
I don't know if..."
"Shut up you fuck! You're going to
earn you're pay for the first time in five years or you're out!
Do you understand, Ranger Pathetic Ruben?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"I can't go."
"What do you mean you can't go Greased
"I've got a hair appointment at four.
And you know I never miss a hair appointment. Philip would never
"Fine. That's just fucking fine. Who
am I gonna get to take your fucking place? Wait! I know."
Captain Dick ran out the door and into the TV room.
"Bill, you miserable worm. Wanna go
on a mission with us?"
Bill was dressed in a grease stained white
undershirt with BILL printed on the front of it. One hand on
the remote and the other in a bowl of cornchips, he shook his
head without taking his eyes off the TV.
"Damn. Fuck you then." Captain
Dick ran back into the transporter room.
"Heeeeyyy, who the fuck's that,"
demanded Captain Dick, pointing at the quiet armored behemoth
that was the Guardian.
"That's the Guardian. He's gonna help
guard Headquarters with Bill," said Nice Alice cheerfully.
"Hi," said the Guardian, waving
"Get your ass in the guard station
then, you miserable... ah, forget it. Just get your butt into
the guard station." Captain Dick was relieved, since he
knew that Bill never really guarded anything anyways. But it
still left the question unanswered: Who would replace Greased
Just then, Dirk Daring came into the transporter
room from the TV room. At the same time, Duck Wonder entered
from the kitchen. "Hi guys!" both yelled at the same
Bright Boy and Grunion Guy were jittery,
just waiting to see if Daring and Wonder would yell "Jinx"
at the same time. Wouldn't that be great, both thought.
But instead, Duck Wonder and Dirk Daring
eyed each other warily. Dirk Daring was the most popular member
of the Corps three years running, but that could all be threatened
by the reemergence of Duck Wonder from retirement. In his day,
Duck Wonder had been the most popular. Now both were eagerly
waiting for and at the same time dreading the polls. Who would
be voted most popular?
"I need one of you fucks for this
mission," said Captain Dick.
"What's the mission?" asked Dirk
"That bastard, The Maniacal Madman,
is running loose on the Alpha Colony on Mars. Fucking backwards
Hicksville shit. I hate that place. On second thought, I'm going
to need two of you pathetic fucks to go on the mission. I'm fucking
Pick me, pick me, pick me thought Grunion
Guy as he wrung his hands together and closed his eyes tight.
"Well, I don't care too much for Mars
either. Remember, part of my deal after coming out of retirement
let's me pick the places I want to go. I think I'll skip Mars."
Dirk, seeing as how Duck Wonder wasn't
going, breathed a sigh of relief. No more extra publicity for
the birdbrain. Now, I don't have to go either, thought Dirk.
"Forget it, Captain Dick. I've got a hot date." Dirk
Yes, thought Grunion Guy as he looked around.
Captain Dick would have to pick him as one of the team. Just
then, Super Mummy came walking in.
"Unnhh," moaned Super Mummy.
"Get out of here, you dried up shit
wad. We already have our group selected you pathetic waste,"
said Grunion Guy in his best Captain Dick imitation. Super Mummy
bought it and with a final "Unnhh," he left.
"All right you fuck. Next time I catch
you trying to sound like me, well, your gonna be sorry. On second
thought, you bastard fuck, your gonna be sorry this time. Get
set to go to Mars. You too, Teleman, you stupid shit head. Now
get the fuck out of here."
Death Rock, Ranger Ruben, Carlotta, Teleman
and Grunion Guy all crowded into the transporter room. Just as
Carlotta began teleporting them away, Grunion Guy's foot kicked
something. It was Insectorama lying unconscious on the floor.
Oh well, he thought, one more Corps member couldn't hurt.
Well, actually, it could. Especially when
the member is Insectorama.
"Mama, I don't wanna get up now, I
don't wanna go to school..."
"Get up you little fungus," said
Teleman, telekineticly throwing red sand up Insectorama's nose.
"Dammit Teleman!" screamed Insectorama,
getting up suddenly. "You're always putting something up
my nose! Hey, where are we?"
"W-w-were in a desert!" said
Ranger Ruben. He looked around, arms crossed and shivering. "I-I
haven't been in a desert since, since..."
"Ah, shuddup, Country-Western. You
can't rock! You can't rock an' roll!" Death Rock flexed
his arms inversely and started singing, "I love rock and
roll/ Put another dime in the jukebox baby!"
"This, folks, is Alpha Colony!"
said an familiar but unfamiliar voice.
Everyone turned around. It was The Stranger.
"Hi. Captain Dick knew you guys would
be lost without some sort of inspired commanding, so he sent
me, his second in command. He sent- The Stranger."
"Great," cried Teleman. He thought
maybe he could be leader, but now...
"Wow, that pink costume with the white
daisy sure looks cool," noted Ranger Ruben, temporarily
forgetting his fear of the desert as he stared at the daisy and
thought of the forest.
"You look like a faggot, a Jovi-lovin'
faggot!" grumbled Death Rock, who didn't need to be on guard
since Alice wasn't here.
Grunion Guy shivered. Oh oh, he thought,
just like he had just before he had met Death Rock's dukes the
WHAM! Grunion Guy splattered across the
desert sand wetly.
"Why'd you go and hit him for?"
demanded The Stranger.
"Just workin' out some o' my frustrations.
Have a problem?"
"N-no, not at all."
Woody hit the ground and splattered
across it heroically. He had been taken by surprise, so of course
his assailant would have the drop on him. But now Woody the Whamp
would show him or thing or two...
"May I get up now Death Rock?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"And let that be a lesson to you!"
cried Woody after his would-be attacker.
"Now, Ranger Ruben, find The Maniacal
Madman and Mr. Mystic," commanded The Stranger.
"Well," said Ranger Ruben as
he glanced around the barren waste. He shuddered from a fleeting
memory of the Gobi disaster and then tried to push the thought
from his mind. I will be of use, he thought confidently. He looked
around on the ground. "This way," he yelled as he strode
off in what seemed like a random direction.
"Why are we in the desert?" asked
"We're trying to save Mr. Mystic from
the evil clutches of The Maniacal Madman," replied Grunion
Guy. Hey, that sounded pretty good, he thought.
Woody the Whamp was trying to save Whamp
Land from the evil clutches of the maniacal Quincy the Quarg.
He was looking for him in Quincy's evil hideout, which turned
out to be in the middle of the desert, not the middle of a swamp.
Woody felt bad about killing Quincy's mom, but then again, she
was a Quarg and Quargs were bad, so Woody soon decided it had
been okay and he no longer thought about it. Woody was brave.
He was the leader of Whamp Land.
"What's that?" asked Death Rock,
pointing to a small building standing a couple of hundred feet
"Using my telescopic vision, I can
see a neon sign on the top of the building that says 'Jurgles
Titty Bar'. Wow, too bad the windows are tinted black."
"Yes," screamed Death Rock. "Alien
tits! This is gonna be great!" he yelled as he sprinted
across the desert toward the small wooden building.
"Wait," yelled Ranger Ruben wussily.
"It might be a trap!"
"Ah, traps are for faggots anyway!"
cried out Death Rock as he opened the door and entered the building.
The building blew up.
"It was a trap! See, I told ya!"
cried out Ruben, shaking his fist at nothing. A flash of confidence
ran through him as the concussion of the blast knocked Ruben
and everyone else on their ass.
"Mommy?" asked Insectorama for
no particular reason.
A blackened lump of muscle landed with
a thud next to The Stranger. "Wow," cried Death Rock.
"That place really rocks! Whooooweeee!"
"You okay?" asked Teleman.
"Shut up dumb ass! I just had the
ride of my life! Now somebody's gonna get to meet my dukes!"
Alpha Colony, by the way, is a collection
of bars and general stores and more bars, all made out of aluminum
siding. When the town's best titty showcase blew up, naturally
the upstanding citizens of Alpha Colony were upset. They wandered
over to the Hero Corps, in a single group of a hundred miners,
barkeeps and whores. "So, why'd you go and kill off Jurgles?"
asked one mad barkeep.
The Stranger had been personally trained
by Captain Dick himself how to handle himself in front of the
public. "We don't need to explain anything to you, lowly
citizens, we're the Hero Corps!"
"Yeah, an' one of you is gonna tell
us where to find The Maniacal Madman before we go and accidentally
crack your heads!" cried out Teleman, who wanted to be like
Death Rock cause Death Rock had flair and he didn't.
"Knock it off, poser!" screamed
Death Rock, back handing Teleman bloodily across the face.
"Who?" asked one of the whores
who had wandered up.
"Don't play stupid with me, woman,"
said Ranger Ruben as his confidence continued to build. "If
you don't tell us, well, I'll just have to track him myself."
Ranger Ruben shook his fist at her menacingly.
"Fuckin' pansy," said Death Rock.
"Do you think you could ever be intimidating in that prissy
"I think he looks good," said
Insectorama. Death Rock flashed him a withering glare and Insectorama,
frightened by the glance, changed into a mosquito.
"Ahhhhhh!" screamed the Martians
in unison. "It's a Dwingle Fly. Look out! Run!" The
Martians took off running in every direction, fleeing for the
safety of their buildings and slamming the doors shut. A hundred
locks clicked shut at once.
"What the fuck?" asked Death
"Well, apparently," explained
Teleman, "there is a creature on Mars which resembles a
mosquito called the Dwingle Fly which must be very dangerous!"
Teleman nodded at him with a superior nod just before he was
flattened by Death Rock's duke.
"Smart ass," mumbled Death Rock.
"Ranger Ruben, lead us to Mr. Mystic,"
shouted The Stranger.
"Yes, sir," cried Ruben happily
as he began falling comfortably back into the hero role. "This
The Corps began marching off between the
aluminum buildings until they finally came to a bar called The
Unzipped Fly. "I think he's in here," said Ranger Ruben
"I'm not going in that faggot bar,"
said Death Rock, eying the name of the place warily.
"You will to go in there, recruit!"
shouted The Stranger, who regretted the statement the very next
second. He got up painfully as Death Rock polished his duke proudly.
"Not a chance in hell."
"Well, the rest of you, enter!"
commanded The Stranger.
"Not if it's a real faggot bar,"
"I'm with them," agreed Grunion
"Banana's shouldn't be red,"
"I'll go," chirped up Insectorama.
"Figures," chided Death Rock.
"Thanks!" cried Insectorama innocently.
He went in.
It was dark, and the atmosphere was warm
and wet. Disco played in the background as a crystal ball hanging
from the ceiling flashed specks of light everywhere. A figure
saddled up next to Insectorama.
"Hey big boy, you lookin' for a good
"Actually, I'm looking for a Maniacal
Madman," chirped Insectorama.
"Well, you can usually talk me into
doing some crazy things, lover." The figure stuck a tongue
into Insectorama's ear.
Insectorama immediately felt for the figure's
crotch. After squeezing a few minutes, Insectorama, using his
quick and calculating insect brain, decided that indeed, this
was a Maniacal Madman.
"Aha! I have caught you!"
"Hey baby, what's gotten up your ass...
HEY STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! OUCH!"
Insectorama had not given up his grip on
the figure's crotch. Now he was squeezing really hard. "Hey
guys, I found the Maniacal Madman! Hurry up!" Nobody entered.
"Hey guys, come on." A few seconds later and the door
opened. The Stranger came tumbling in head over heels.
"Get him yerself, pansy!" cried
Death Rock from somewhere outside.
"Hey, nice outfit!" said a slinky
figure coming up beside The Stranger and helping him to his feet.
"Uh, thanks," said The Stranger
brushing himself off. The figure who had helped him up began
brushing at his backside. "Um, hey, I got that, o.k?"
"Whatever," whispered the figure
as he slowly slid his hand down The Strangers butt. The Stranger
pushed him away angrily.
"All right, stop everything right
now!" he shouted furiously. The music stopped and a dozen
shocked faces turned toward him, all male. "That's better.
Look, I'm looking for The Maniacal Madman and Mr. Mystic. If
you don't help us out we're going to smash all of your disco
A sudden gasp filled the room. "You
brute!" shouted a whiny voice as somebody's drink splashed
across The Stranger. Seconds later, it was followed by the glass.
"Oww! O.k., you're in for it now!"
screamed the Stranger in a frenzy.
"Psssst!" came a voice from the
door. Insectorama walked over to see who it was as The Stranger
began searching the crowd for the drinkless person.
"Hey, uh, Insectorama." It was
Ranger Ruben. "Sorry about this, but it seems like I had
the wrong place. The tracks go around the building, not in it.
"That's okay," said Insectorama
as he exited the building. "They had some good music in
"Hey, you okay?" asked Insectorama.
"I WILL BE ONCE YOU STOP SQUEEZING
"Oh, hey, sorry. If you want though,
I could come back. That was a really cool place."
"I hope I never see you again, you
bully!" gasped the victim as he clutched his crutch and
fell to the ground.
Miffed, Insectorama walked with the others
around the building.
"OH MERCIFUL GOD NO!" cried The
Stranger from inside the bar. There was a large crash as The
Stranger threw himself out a window and into the alley where
the rest of the Corps were passing through. His uniform was torn
to shreds. The Stranger was sobbing.
"It was horrible! Oh god, all those
men!" he cried.
"Oh, I don't know. It wasn't that
"Shut up Insectorama."
"Here it is, the trail leads to here!"
cried out Ranger Ruben. His rosy cheeks were shiny, he was grinning
so hard. He pointed at another door.
"Death Rock, take point."
Death Rock looked around for a sign that
would indicate what this place was. Seeing none, and hearing
no disco, Death Rock shrugged, sang out "Can I play with
madness?" and kicked in the door. The door flew off
it's hinges and landed somewhere within. Death Rock lunged in,
ready for a fight and stopped cold in his tracks. "Cool,"
he whispered in awe. Hanging from the inside of the building
were hundreds of meat hooks. And hanging on each hook was a dead
"I think we've found our man,"
said Grunion Guy as he entered behind Death Rock. "Only
a man named The Maniacal Madman could be this disgusting."
Grunion Guy was about to start typing when he thought that maybe
these images would be too disgusting for his publisher. With
a shrug, he thought maybe they'd be just right.
Woody Whamp entered Quincy's torture
room. Dead bodies were hanging from hooks in the ceiling. They
were naked and dead and Woody thought, that is bad. Quincy must
pay for what he has done to Whamp Land and I am just the Whamp
to make him pay. He looked at the dead naked bodies and felt
like crying, because he was good and bad things made him sad.
The rest of the Corps entered the building.
"I think I'm going to be sick,"
Suddenly a familiar voice came from the
back of the room. "You want me to do what to these people?
Well, I'll tell you son, I think you're idea of a good time isn't
all that good. You kids of today are sickos. Perverts."
"Save him, Corps!" yelled the
Stranger as the rest rushed passed the dead bodies and into the
back of the building.
A brief memory of the Gobi campaign flashed
again through Ranger Ruben's head. "Wait! It could be another
trap!" he cried.
"You think Ruben's right?" asked
"Yeah," answered Grunion Guy.
"Cause I think Mr Mystic's right there."
He pointed to a body that hung from a hook.
"Eeeewww, no! You're wrong!"
"How do you know?"
"Cause that guy's white. Mr. Mystic's
black! I mean, Afro-American!"
"What's that!" demanded a younger,
crazed voice. "I'll be right back. Don't you move. They're
maybe intruders in the meat locker."
"Oh God," said The Stranger.
He looked both ways. There was nowhere to hide.
Another door opened, and a cross eyed red
haired young man dressed in spandex covered in swirls and other
crazy things looked out into the meat locker. All he saw were
dead bodies and a lot of bushes. Hmm, thought The Maniacal Madman
as he closed the door.
"I guess it was nothing, probably
just a few squirrels messin' around in the bushes." The
Maniacal Madman paused for a second, considering what he just
said. Bushes? He glanced back into the meat locker. Yeah, those
were bushes All right. "Now, where were we?" asked
The Maniacal Madman as he picked up a nasty looking whip and
approached Mr. Mystic as he shut the door. The others breathed
a sigh of relief and came out of hiding.
"You think he caught on to our disguise?"
"I don't know, why don't you read
his mind by telepathy and find out," replied The Stranger.
"I thought about that," said
Teleman as he lowered his head and kicked his foot in the dust.
"But I didn't want to."
The Stranger looked at Teleman with as
much loathing as he could before he turned toward the door which
the Maniacal Madman had just entered.
"Get him, Corps!" yelled The
Stranger as he pointed toward the door.
Death Rock was the first in, kicking the
door off the hinges, sending it flying across the room and into
Mr. Mystic. It cracked across his skull and splintered into a
"Well, now, that wasn't so bad as
back in '63 when that ten ton safe fell on my head..." started
Mr. Mystic as blood began to run down his face.
"Careful with my torture victim,"
yelled The Maniacal Madman as the Corps ran into the room. He
pointed toward Teleman and a strange buzz filled the room. Suddenly,
Teleman slumped to the floor, drooling.
"Watch it!" yelled The Stranger.
"He's got some kind of scary power!"
"Look out," yelled Woody to
no one in particular because there was nobody else in the room.
Besides Quincy, but Quincy was the one Woody was yelling about.
"He's got some kind of scary power." Woody fell to
the floor, trying not to get hit by the scary power. He ducked
it without getting hit. The scary power hit the wall, turning
the wall into something yucky. "Wow," thought Woody,
"I almost got killed and then Whamp Land would not have
been saved. But it does get saved. So I probably won't die. I
am the hero, thought Woody heroically.
Just as Grunion Guy stopped typing, he
looked up proudly. A strange bolt caught him in the chest, causing
him to babble uncontrollably.
"Prepare to meet my duke!" yelled
Death Rock predictably. He took a swing at The Maniacal Madman
who dodged easily. Death Rock's duke continued unabated, finally
coming to rest against Mr. Mystic's jaw.
"Well, huh huh," laughed Mr.
Mystic. "That reminds me of that time that Martha caught
me in bed with the sheep..." He continued his story as the
rest fought on.
"Hiiiiyyyaahhh!" screamed Ranger
Ruben, taking a karate stance and chopping at the Maniacal Madman,
who suddenly turned into Death Rock.
"Oooowwww!" screamed Ruben, clutching
his broken hand into his crotch and doubling over.
"You idiot!" screamed Death Rock,
foaming at the mouth as he laid a solid one on Ruben's chin,
sending him flying through the air.
"Ooooowwww!" screamed Ruben,
who immediately was knocked out.
The Stranger looked around at the multicolored
bubbles surrounding him in the blue grass field. A green sun
began to set, making the pink sky appear red. "Hey, guys?
Where am I?"
Death Rock suddenly appeared at his elbow.
"Take that, fascist," he said as he pulled back his
fist, beating The Stranger senseless.
Meanwhile, The Maniacal Madman sat back
and watched in awe as his foes quarreled amongst themselves.
He picked up the whip and turned toward the old man tied securely
in the chair, never noticing the tiny black widow crawling up
his thigh. "Now to deal with you, old man!" He brandished
his whip and suddenly doubled over in pain, grabbing his leg.
"Oww," he burbled as the venom from the spider bite
worked its way through his system. It was fatal in seconds, seeing
as how Insectorama had no idea how to control the amount of poison
he injected into his enemy. Just as quickly as The Maniacal Madman
died, the rest of the group snapped back into reality.
"Well," exclaimed The Stranger
in triumph, "We took care of that evil menace. Let this
be an example to mean people everywhere. The Corps is here!"
"Yeah, whatever," snapped Death
Rock picking up Grunion Guy and Teleman. "Let's just get
the hell out of here." Just then, Carlotta entered the room,
teleporting them back to headquarters.
"And then, well, Frizzy, my favorite
sheep was no longer allowed in the house. I thought that was
a bit rough but..." Mr. Mystic continued to babble in the
° ° °
Woody finally killed Quincy. Quincy
was dead and since he was the leader, the rest of the Quargs
stopped fighting and became peaceful and lived with the Whampers
till the rest of their days. Everybody was happy, and they all
It's magnificent, thought Grunion Guy.
It was the best he had ever written. It had been two weeks since
they had returned from Mars and he had been putting the finishing
touches on his story ever since. He picked up the few scattered
pages and organized them in a neat pile. He was going to be rich.
All he had to do was send it to the publisher. But that was just
a technicality. The story was as good as gold.
"Hey! Have any of you fucks seen Mr.
Mystic? I haven't seen that bastard in two weeks. He's hiding
out on me and when I find him, he's gonna be fucked so badly."
Grunion Guy barely heard Captain Dick as
he walked out the door and wandered off to mail in his story.
"I'm in the money, I'm in the money..."
sang Grunion Guy as he walked through the beautiful grounds of
headquarters. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone on the pond,
the fountain in the pond played daintily, the pigeons were all
over Mr. Mystic, who loved to feed the birds. Grunion Guy walked
over to warn the old guy of Captain Dick's wrath.
"Well, you know, I finished my story,"
he began as he sat next to Mr. Mystic. "I just know it's
gonna be the Great American Novel."
"Coo," answered the pigeons.
"Yep, I'm calling it The Most Horrific
War Ever. It's a truly sad story of lost love and courage
in the face of utter demise. You wanna read it?"
"Coo." Mr. Mystic laid his head
on Grunion Guy's shoulder. Pigeons covered him from head to toe.
Grunion Guy sat there, scared. What if
Mr. Mystic's gay, he thought.
A pigeon pecked at his cheek.
Nah, he can't be gay, he's too old. Grunion
Guy stood up. "Well, I'll see you around, buddy. I'm gonna
mail out my manuscript. See you at dinner."
When Grunion Guy returned to the building,
there was a big commotion.
"Hey guys, what's wrong?"
Nice Alice looked up from her weeping.
"Mr. Mystic, he, well, he passed on, Grunion."
"Wow. I wondered why he smelled so
bad." Nice Alice broke out into tears again.
"It's okay, Alice," consoled
Death Rock and Bright Boy at the same time.
"Jinx, you owe me a..." Bright
Boy backed down from Death Rock's glare and shut his mouth.
Grunion Guy shrugged and headed for his
room vowing that nothing would spoil his great day. Well, the
death of Mr. Mystic wouldn't even spoil his worst day. He walked
happily into his room and waited for his publishers answer. And
waited. And waited. And waited.
The answer came. It read, "Sorry,
Grunion Guy, but your story, The Most Horrific War Ever, is so
good that we decided that if we published it, it would intimidate
other writers and finish off the publishing business forever."
Grunion Guy nodded knowingly. Wow, those
publishers are very smart, he thought. Maybe I'll rewrite the
story and make with a little less intensity and cut out some
of the parts that make the reader wonder about the human condition.
His musings were interrupted by a knock
at the door. "C'mon underling! We're all headed out to pay
our last respects to Buck and Mr. Mystic, so get off your lazy
fat ass and get going!"
"My ass ain't that fat!" screamed
"Just get a move on, you fuck!"
Grunion Guy left his papers on the table
and decided that the greatest story ever told could wait a few
days more. With that he walked out the door, happy with his life.