to write a more publishable piece I would like to point out a
few things. I tried to use language in the story that best suited
todays times. Language that a reader would be more familiar with.
Also I did intense research on the game of hockey and tried to
detail the sport thoroughly. Hopefully, that will make the story
more "user friendly" and More Publishable
American Novel by
was cool. He was cool and he was very good at hockey. He wasn't
only cool because he was on ice (literary humor), he was cool
because he was cool. Everybody liked Bobby because he was really
cool, except the Bad Guy Hockey Team because they were cool too,
but not as cool as Bobby. They all played hockey on the ice.
Bobby had this
cute chick who was cool even though she didn't play hockey. Hockey
is pretty cool. She liked hockey since she thought it was neat
(neat is a synonym for cool; its a literary technique). Bobby
liked to do it with his chick, not on the ice though because
it would be cold then instead of cool. That's kind of funny.
Also, they might have to worry about getting body checked or
something, like by the Bad Guy Hockey Team. They were bad and
so they might do stuff like that.
responded Bobby to his cute chick. "How's it hangin baby?"
Bobby," she hollered.
is today. We play the Bad Guy Hockey Team for the title. We'll
win in the end of course but don't say anything. We want it to
be a surprise. Its a championship game. Say, lets do it."
The Bad Guy
hockey Team Leader laughed a contorted laugh.
ha. We're going to win the championship."
his cute chick next to him. They weren't at the hockey rink anymore.
Did I mention that they were at the hockey rink before? Ooops.
Bobby and his chick had just come from the hockey rink. It was
where they played hockey. Bobby I mean, and his team, his cute
chick just watched. The Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader was her ex-boyfriend.
He was very jealous, so he played hockey. He still loved her,
though it was a bad guy type of love. Bobby pulled her down again
since it kind of got messed up with the confusion over their
location. He licked his lips. She licked hers. Or vice versa.
They could feel the passion between them heating up like... like...
like a sauce pan of spaghetti sauce. He lunged, she lunged.
Then they did it. They were at a hotel. No! They were at Bobby's
pad. They were at Bobby's really cool pad.
Bobby gonna be mad when I win the championship and steal his
girl. Ha, ha, ha."
That was the
Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader in Chapter Four.
this ice is cold. I bet its at least 65 degrees celsius,"
Kip said. Kip was on Bobby's Hockey team. They had been best
friends since birth. Kip never even looked at Bobby's cute chick.
He had his own cute chick, but she wasn't as cute as Bobby's
cute chick. Kip was on Bobby's hockey team. His cute chick wasn't.
She sat and watched with Bobby's cute chick. They were best friends
cold. Brrrr," commanded Bobby. "I'm sure glad I have
skates on so that my feet don't get cold and I can play hockey.
No, I forgot, my skates were stolen this morning so I can't play
hockey in the game tonight. Who stole my skates?"
it was the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader," Kip said. His friends
called him "Kipper" sometimes but he thought it sounded
a little "fishy". Ha! (subtle literary humor).
I bet it was those rascals. They're bad even though they're cool,"
replied Bobby sadly.
They went to
see the Bad Guy Hockey Team at their secret base.
back my skates you bad yet still cool guys!" Bobby whispered.
dumb," responded the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player. He
was the tough guy on the Bad Guy Hockey Team. He was mean too.
we'll see who's dumb. Try me!" Bobby spake.
the capitol of Idaho?"
Bobby knew when
he was outmatched. He'd forgotten to bring his cute chick who
was also smart too, and who knew all the capitals. Remembering
that she had to serve some purpose in the story so the chick
publishers wouldn't treat it in a non-publishable manner, Bobby
went and got her. She was still at the hockey rink watching the
ask me again," Bobby said proudly because he knew his cute
chick was going to be a heroine. Oh yeah, he had his cute chick
with him now.
The Big Bad
Guy Hockey player smiled. "What's the capitol of Idaho?"
know," she gasped. So she showed the Big Bad Guy Hockey
player her breasts instead, and he gave her Bobby's skates. Unless
that's degrading to women, in which case she said: "Boise."
The ice was
icy cold. It was milky white. It would have glistened in the
morning sun if it had been outdoors. It was indoors.
in a pretty circle.
cool Booby," his cute chick said, even though she was only
a layman. "Let's do it."
like Bobby, he's too good," the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader
the Big Bad Guy Hockey Player retorted. "He's dumb too."
and he's stupid."
and I used to do it with his cute chick."
she's dumb too."
chick was looking cute today. She looked cool too, even though
she wasn't playing hockey. The championship game was that night
at the hockey rink. They were going to play the championship
game. It was still hockey.
Both teams were
at the hockey rink where the championship game was going to be
played that night between both teams. Bobby's cute chick was
going to watch along with Kip's (Kipper's, ha, ha) cute chick.
Bobby's cute chick was still cuter, but they were both cool.
its cold on this cool ice."
the ball," yelled Bobby. "I want to shoot at the net!"
replied Kip joyfully as he passed the ball with his stick.
team was good. They could shoot the ball better than anyone else.
But, Bobby was the best and he would be crucial for a happy ending
to occur (hint hint). To make everything more exceptionally diverse
they had a girl goalie. Since she was diverse she was naturally
very good at stopping the ball from going into the net. She used
her breasts, which were very large. Her name was Frenchie and
she was Canadian.
The Bad Guy
Hockey Team skated next to Bobby's team in a circle. They didn't
know why they were skating in a circle, so they skated in a square.
It was innovative. Then they played some more.
Both teams lined
up for the kick off with their sticks poised gallantly. After
the goalie kicked off, both teams charged for the ball. Then,
they started hitting each other with their sticks. They tried
not to hit guys on their own team, but those ice skates are slippery
and its all a guy can do to just hit anything. Suddenly, Bobby
and the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader were face to face; so were
Kip and the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player.
a pointy stick!" exclaimed Bobby to his nemesis.
well you're stupid!" he yelled back.
stupid, your mother's ugly!"
bastard, she is not. You eat penises!"
"I'm going to hit you with my pointy stick now!"
Just then, the
Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player killed Kip. He lobbed off his
head, and blood-red blood went everywhere. It made the ice really
slippery, unless it wouldn't, then it didn't. Overall, it looked
pretty cool. Bobby was sad though.
my friend Kip!" he yelled at the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team
Player. "He was also my brother damn it!"
and all 10,000 fans gasped and fell silent. By the way, there
were 10,000 fans at the rink.
Bobby continued. "He was secretly my brother and nobody
knew." Then Bobby threw the ball at the Big Bad Guy Hockey
Team Player and killed him.
secretly my brother!" The Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader
yelled. The Big Bad Guy Hockey Player, not Kip. "Now you
are a stupid dummy!"
But Bobby had
the upper hand. He responded with the line which should go down
in history as the greatest literary one-liner: "No, amigo,
tis you who are dumb, I hath your cute chick."
Unable to respond,
the villain sank to his knees in tears. Bobby threw the ball
with his stick and won the game. They were the champions.
chick ran onto the ice and they did it; despite the crowd. And
the blood. And Kip's head. Thus, they lived happily ever after,
unless something in all of this might be seen as politically
incorrect. In that case, it all happened differently.
circumstances is anything by this guy to ever come across my
desk again. In fact, in the future, immediately discard anything
by this degenerate without reading.