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Author's note

In order to write a more publishable piece I would like to point out a few things. I tried to use language in the story that best suited todays times. Language that a reader would be more familiar with. Also I did intense research on the game of hockey and tried to detail the sport thoroughly. Hopefully, that will make the story more "user friendly" and More Publishable -- G.G.

Playing the Game

An All American Novel by

Grunion Guy


Chapter One

Bobby Smith was cool. He was cool and he was very good at hockey. He wasn't only cool because he was on ice (literary humor), he was cool because he was cool. Everybody liked Bobby because he was really cool, except the Bad Guy Hockey Team because they were cool too, but not as cool as Bobby. They all played hockey on the ice.

Bobby had this cute chick who was cool even though she didn't play hockey. Hockey is pretty cool. She liked hockey since she thought it was neat (neat is a synonym for cool; its a literary technique). Bobby liked to do it with his chick, not on the ice though because it would be cold then instead of cool. That's kind of funny. Also, they might have to worry about getting body checked or something, like by the Bad Guy Hockey Team. They were bad and so they might do stuff like that.

"Hi," responded Bobby to his cute chick. "How's it hangin baby?"

"Its cool Bobby," she hollered.

"The game is today. We play the Bad Guy Hockey Team for the title. We'll win in the end of course but don't say anything. We want it to be a surprise. Its a championship game. Say, lets do it."




Chapter Two

The Bad Guy hockey Team Leader laughed a contorted laugh.

"Ha, ha, ha. We're going to win the championship."



Chapter Three

Bobby pulled his cute chick next to him. They weren't at the hockey rink anymore. Did I mention that they were at the hockey rink before? Ooops. Bobby and his chick had just come from the hockey rink. It was where they played hockey. Bobby I mean, and his team, his cute chick just watched. The Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader was her ex-boyfriend. He was very jealous, so he played hockey. He still loved her, though it was a bad guy type of love. Bobby pulled her down again since it kind of got messed up with the confusion over their location. He licked his lips. She licked hers. Or vice versa. They could feel the passion between them heating up like... like... like a sauce pan of spaghetti sauce. He lunged, she lunged. Then they did it. They were at a hotel. No! They were at Bobby's pad. They were at Bobby's really cool pad.



Chapter Four

"Boy, is Bobby gonna be mad when I win the championship and steal his girl. Ha, ha, ha."



Chapter Five

That was the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader in Chapter Four.



Chapter Six

"Brrrr, this ice is cold. I bet its at least 65 degrees celsius," Kip said. Kip was on Bobby's Hockey team. They had been best friends since birth. Kip never even looked at Bobby's cute chick. He had his own cute chick, but she wasn't as cute as Bobby's cute chick. Kip was on Bobby's hockey team. His cute chick wasn't. She sat and watched with Bobby's cute chick. They were best friends too.

"It is cold. Brrrr," commanded Bobby. "I'm sure glad I have skates on so that my feet don't get cold and I can play hockey. No, I forgot, my skates were stolen this morning so I can't play hockey in the game tonight. Who stole my skates?"

"I bet it was the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader," Kip said. His friends called him "Kipper" sometimes but he thought it sounded a little "fishy". Ha! (subtle literary humor).

"Yeah, I bet it was those rascals. They're bad even though they're cool," replied Bobby sadly.

They went to see the Bad Guy Hockey Team at their secret base.

"Give me back my skates you bad yet still cool guys!" Bobby whispered.

"No, you're dumb," responded the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player. He was the tough guy on the Bad Guy Hockey Team. He was mean too.

"Oh yeah, we'll see who's dumb. Try me!" Bobby spake.

"What's the capitol of Idaho?"

Bobby knew when he was outmatched. He'd forgotten to bring his cute chick who was also smart too, and who knew all the capitals. Remembering that she had to serve some purpose in the story so the chick publishers wouldn't treat it in a non-publishable manner, Bobby went and got her. She was still at the hockey rink watching the ice.

"Okay, ask me again," Bobby said proudly because he knew his cute chick was going to be a heroine. Oh yeah, he had his cute chick with him now.

The Big Bad Guy Hockey player smiled. "What's the capitol of Idaho?"

"I don't know," she gasped. So she showed the Big Bad Guy Hockey player her breasts instead, and he gave her Bobby's skates. Unless that's degrading to women, in which case she said: "Boise."



Chapter Seven

The ice was icy cold. It was milky white. It would have glistened in the morning sun if it had been outdoors. It was indoors.

Bobby skated in a pretty circle.

"That's cool Booby," his cute chick said, even though she was only a layman. "Let's do it."




Chapter Eight

"I don't like Bobby, he's too good," the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader squeaked.

"Yeah," the Big Bad Guy Hockey Player retorted. "He's dumb too."

"Yeah, and he's stupid."

"Yeah, and I used to do it with his cute chick."

"Yeah, she's dumb too."




Chapter Nine

Bobby's cute chick was looking cute today. She looked cool too, even though she wasn't playing hockey. The championship game was that night at the hockey rink. They were going to play the championship game. It was still hockey.

Both teams were at the hockey rink where the championship game was going to be played that night between both teams. Bobby's cute chick was going to watch along with Kip's (Kipper's, ha, ha) cute chick. Bobby's cute chick was still cuter, but they were both cool.


Chapter Ten

"Brrrr, its cold on this cool ice."



Chapter Eleven

"Pass me the ball," yelled Bobby. "I want to shoot at the net!"

"Okay," replied Kip joyfully as he passed the ball with his stick.

Bobby's hockey team was good. They could shoot the ball better than anyone else. But, Bobby was the best and he would be crucial for a happy ending to occur (hint hint). To make everything more exceptionally diverse they had a girl goalie. Since she was diverse she was naturally very good at stopping the ball from going into the net. She used her breasts, which were very large. Her name was Frenchie and she was Canadian.

The Bad Guy Hockey Team skated next to Bobby's team in a circle. They didn't know why they were skating in a circle, so they skated in a square. It was innovative. Then they played some more.

Both teams lined up for the kick off with their sticks poised gallantly. After the goalie kicked off, both teams charged for the ball. Then, they started hitting each other with their sticks. They tried not to hit guys on their own team, but those ice skates are slippery and its all a guy can do to just hit anything. Suddenly, Bobby and the Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader were face to face; so were Kip and the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player.

"I've got a pointy stick!" exclaimed Bobby to his nemesis.

"Yeah, well you're stupid!" he yelled back.

"I'm not stupid, your mother's ugly!"

"You beautiful bastard, she is not. You eat penises!"

Bobby gasped. "I'm going to hit you with my pointy stick now!"

Just then, the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player killed Kip. He lobbed off his head, and blood-red blood went everywhere. It made the ice really slippery, unless it wouldn't, then it didn't. Overall, it looked pretty cool. Bobby was sad though.

"You killed my friend Kip!" he yelled at the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player. "He was also my brother damn it!"

Every player and all 10,000 fans gasped and fell silent. By the way, there were 10,000 fans at the rink.

"Yes," Bobby continued. "He was secretly my brother and nobody knew." Then Bobby threw the ball at the Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Player and killed him.

"He was secretly my brother!" The Big Bad Guy Hockey Team Leader yelled. The Big Bad Guy Hockey Player, not Kip. "Now you are a stupid dummy!"

But Bobby had the upper hand. He responded with the line which should go down in history as the greatest literary one-liner: "No, amigo, tis you who are dumb, I hath your cute chick."

Unable to respond, the villain sank to his knees in tears. Bobby threw the ball with his stick and won the game. They were the champions.

Bobby's cute chick ran onto the ice and they did it; despite the crowd. And the blood. And Kip's head. Thus, they lived happily ever after, unless something in all of this might be seen as politically incorrect. In that case, it all happened differently.


The End

Publisher's note

Under no circumstances is anything by this guy to ever come across my desk again. In fact, in the future, immediately discard anything by this degenerate without reading.


Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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