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The Romantic Voyage At Sea

An Epic Story By Me,

GRUNION GUY


The really big ship was tied to the dock. All the people who were going aboard were going aboard. The ship was big. The people got aboard. It was the biggest, most romantic ship ever tied to a dock. It was the Tantanic! Even the name Tantanic inspired romance and epicism. It was the Tantanic! The epic ship Tantanic!

There were two groups of people on board. There were the poor people whom we weren’t supposed to like but really did and the rich people whom we were supposed to like and really did too because they were rich. Except for the bad rich people, whom we did not like at all—on the Tantanic!

So the people boarded the Tantanic, which was the biggest most romantic ship ever. It was epic! They did not know that they were all going to die in the secret climactic ending, but they would. One person who would not die was Rose, unless we need to call her Lilly. Rose was beautiful and creamy and would not die, but that’s a secret! She was sexy too. She was also rich, but we liked her because she was one of the likeable rich people. I don’t know if we were supposed to like her from the very beginning, but we do! She was sexy!

Another person on board was the handsome hero. The handsome hero was named Guy Grunion (that’s a slickly veiled reference to me, Grunion Guy. I think it’s called a pneumatic device or something)! Guy was the best, most romantic hero ever. He was handsome and loved fishes. He could even talk to them and breathe under water, which everyone found very useful. Guy was a bit overweight, but no one cared at all. They let him eat and eat and never made fun of him or poked him in the belly. All the people loved him and would chant “Grunion Guy! Grunion Guy! . . . I mean Guy Grunion! Guy Grunion!” Except for jerks, and they would all drown! Guy was handsome.

There was a bad guy, and his name was Paulo. Paulo was one of the bad rich people, and we didn’t like him at all. Paulo was light brown, but not dark brown or black. I’m not going to make the bad guy black or dark brown, oh no siree bob! Not if I want to be published. Paulo was light brown, and that’s that. He was also rich and evil. He was Rose’s sweetie, but she didn’t really love him. She loved Guy, although she didn’t yet know it yet. They hadn’t met! She would love him soon before everyone died secretly.

The ship set sail and then untied itself from the dock. It steamed along like a steam ship and made fog horn sounds. All of the people on the dock cheered and threw streamers in the water. The streamers polluted the water, and many of the fish died! The people on the dock were arrested for murder and were shot. Murderer jerks! The boat floated.

On the ship, which was R.M.S. Tantanic, were lots of people. Unless it was the H.M.S. Tantanic, in which case they were on that ship. The rich people were down below, and the poor people were up above. Unless it was the other way around, and then the rich people were down below. It was the 1920’s, so there were lots of differences between the rich people and the poor people. If the poor people (even the one’s who were romantic and could talk to fishes—wink, wink) talked to the rich people, the rich people laughed at the poor people and threw food at them. Not good food either, but stuff like onions.

Guy tried to talk to Rose, and the bad guy threw an onion at him and whipped him on the head. The bad guy’s name was Paulo, and he was light brown. Guy shrieked. He didn’t shriek like a girl but in rage!

“Hey, don’t throw onions at me, Paulo!” Guy yelled.

“I’ll beat you if you talk to Rose again, poor person! And you’re fat! And talking to fishes is useless,” Paulo exacerbated, unless that’s a bad word, and then he simply said it.

So Guy grabbed Rose by the arm, and they ran to the bow of the Tantanic. He sure would be happy when Paulo got killed during the climatic secret ending!

“I feel so free,” Rose said romantically.

“Me too,” said Guy. “My name is Guy.”

“I’m Rose,” Rose countered.

“Say something memorable and notable,” Guy spated.

“I think you should say it,” Rose debilitated.

“I’m the king of the world!” Guy said memorably and notably! He said it in such a way to win lots of awards and stuff! It was memorable and publishable!

“I’ll get him,” Paulo said to his rich henchmen as he went down below or up above, depending upon where he needed to go. His henchmen were also rich.

Later on, Guy and Rose met to whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Not their own ears but the ears of each other. Guy was as handsome as Rose was creamy. Rose loved fish, and so she loved Guy! Now she knew it just like we all did! It was the most romantic scene ever. Paulo was losing his girlie to Guy, and Paulo was not going to be happy. Paulo would be unhappy.

Rose and Guy looked at each other like they wanted to do it.

“I hardly know you,” Rose debated as she shoved Guy away hard (but not too hard—wink, wink).

“We don’t have much time,” Guy Grunion spoke. “Something terrible could happen very, very soon, although how could we know that?” Something terrible would happen soon, but not till the end!

“Okay,” Rose agreed. And they did it. They did it, and it was steamy and intense. But romantic too! It was Rose’s first time because it had to be, but Guy had done it so many times before that he was experienced. Then they went to sleep in each other’s arms. (Oh man, this is soooooo good! I’m going to get published for sure with this!)

Paulo and his henchmen brooded up above or down below. They plotted and planned and then plotted some more. They would make Guy, the cool hero, pay.

“Let’s beat him up,” one henchmen inquired.

“Yeah,” another quipped.

“Yeah,” Paulo agreed smartly. And they went to show guy who his daddy was. Not his real daddy because he was dead. So I don’t know how they would show him his daddy, but they would! His mom too!

“I’m gonna get you,” Paulo screamed at Guy after he had gone down below or up above.

“Ha, no you’re not!” Guy countered.

“I sure am, and my henchmen are too!”

“No because I know something you don’t!” screamed Guy.

“No you don’t because you’re stupid!” Paulo hollered.

“I do to and am not!” Guy said.

“What do you know then?” Paulo asked.

“I know that there’s an ice bird about to hit this ship secretly! But no secret to me!”

An ice bird hit the ship. It was big and white and made of ice. Only the top of it was out of the water, and the rest was under the water, even though it was made out of ice. There was a big crashing sound, and water came rushing through the ship. Whoooosh! Splash! Bam!

“Help!” Everyone screamed as they drowned. Paulo drowned, and his henchmen did too! But not before the climactic gun battle!

Paulo drew his gun.

“I’m going to shoot you now!”

“No, you’re not, Paulo jerk! I know something you don’t!”

“Ha! What do you know that I don’t!”

“I know that an ice bird is about to hit this ship!” Guy stated proudly.

“Not an ice bird! Eeep!”

Then an ice bird hit the ship. Paulo’s gun was knocked out of his hand, and he drowned as water came gushing in. Splash! Bam! Whoooosh!

“Ick! This water’s cold!” Everyone screamed before they drowned. Paulo and his henchmen drowned too now that the climactic gun battle was over. It was very intense.

Rose and Guy made it to the top of the ship. They were the only one’s who made it out alive. The water flowed higher and higher and was very chilly.

“The ship is sinking, and this water’s cold!” Rose bellowed.

“That’s okay! “ Guy Grunion said happily. “We’ll just live under the water! I can breath under water and talk to fish you know.” 

 “Wow!” Rose smiled. “I love you even more now! That’s the coolest power I’ve ever heard of! I can’t believe that anyone would ever make fun of it! And if they did, I bet they’d drown.”

“Yep, they sure would,” Guy reiterated.

“But I can’t breath underwater!” Rose worried.

Guy gave her the most romantic look ever. “I’m sorry, then you’re going to drown too.”

Then Rose drowned, and it was critically acclaimed.

“I love you, Rose!”

“I love you too, Guy!”

“Promise me you’ll survive, Rose!”

“But I’m drowning!”

“Oh yeah.”

Rose’s death was the most tragic thing ever, and everyone cried. Except for the other people who drowned because they couldn’t cry. They were dead. Rose died along with all the other people on the great sunken ship Tantanic. The Tantanic sank in its entirety with all the people aboard. Their deaths were the most tragic thing ever. Still, it was romantic and loved by lots of people, including smart publishers, who are the smartest people of all! Rose was dead, dead, dead. Unless she’s really not . . .

Ha! Rose didn’t really drown! I fooled you! I fooled you with my trick romantic ending. The real romantic ending is that Rose found a life boat, and it floated! It was epic, and it was the most romantic thing ever!

“I love you, Guy,’ Rose purred.

“Let’s do it!” Guy said. And they did it, and it was even better than before and made for a great ending. Everyone else still drowned though, and they never made fun of Guy again, the losers! 

THE END

 

Copyright © 1994 No Apologies! Press

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