March Twenty-Something, 2100--

March Twenty-Something, 2100-- Today is the first day of writing stuff in my journal that I've decided will be a good idea to keep thoughts in and stuff. If I get an idea for a story I can just write it down right here. (Heh heh. Write and right. Write, right? HAHAHAHAA) I had a marvelous idea last night about writing this diary of mine here. I was flipping through a few books here in the Galactic Hero Corps library when I happened upon some obscure author named Vonnegut. Who-EVer. But I decided to model my diary after his book called Palm Sunday. I'm sure nobody ever read it. And who's ever gonna know I decided to model this after that? Nobody except those who read this. Anyway, I don't have any other stories to work on today so I'll start my profoundly moving Diary Of Half A Fish.

Chapter One

The First Amendment

I guess I don't have to use the same chapter titles as that Fonnygut guy did but it will help focus my mind. So, anyway, the first amendment and my thoughts about it.

I'm glad it was repealed back in the summer of '69. The ratifactioning of Amendment 42, the repealing or repealment or whatever of the First Amendment was a God send. Hokey dokey was it! Man, that freedom of whatever it gave freedom for really stunk. People were always using that freedom to be, you know, TOO free. Hah! But us voters showed them! Hoo boy did we! Stinking liberators or whatever. Jerks.

And now I think I should insert a story that I wrote that exemplicates the rightness of getting rid of the First Amendment. Here goes. It's called, The Boy Who Bought Porn.

There once was this boy named Phil. He was young, being only a boy and as such, there were things that he was not allowed to do because he was a young boy. One of those things he wasn't allowed to do because he was so young was that he couldn't go see R-18 rated movies. The regular R movies he could go see cause it didn't matter how old you were but he didn't like to see movies that only had sex or only had violence. He wanted to see movies with sex and violence both together in the same film and preferably at the same time. He also lived in America, so films like that were made although they never got shown in Canada but who cares because Canada doesn't have anything to brag about anyway and we would just kick their asses if they complained about us being so much better than them which we are anyway.
One day while he was still a young boy, Phil decided he wanted to go see one of those movies that nobody would let him go see. See, his not being allowed intri--oh hell--intrest--no, um, made him curioo---Ugh! Why are so many words so hard to spell!?! His not being allowed to see the R-18 movies made him want to see the R-18 movies even more than just wanting to see them because his best friend Phil told him how great they were with all that sex and violence, even though Phil had no idea what sex was. (But he soon would! Wink! Wink!) Phil wanted to see a R-18 movie so he could see what the difference was between sex and violence since the only movies he could see were R and they either had one or the other and he didn't know which was which seeing as how sometimes they wrestled with guns and were clothed and sometimes they wrestled naked with whips. It all seemed pretty much the same to him.
Phil decided that he would figure out a way to get let into one of the MultiTheater Theater's so he could sneak into a movie he shouldn't be sneaking into but had to because they wouldn't let him buy a ticket. So he stood in-line for The Smurfs Reunion Starring Terminator Smurf even though his other friend Phil saw him standing in line for a baby girly movie and teased him for about half an hour from the spot in line behind him.
"You're stupid, Phil," shocked Phil.
"You're stupider, Phil," retaliated Phil.
"You're stupidest, Phil," checkmated Phil.
"You're stupidester, Phil," outwitted Phil.
"Be nice, you two," said Phil's friend Phil's mother who was taking him to see The Smurf's Reunion Starring Terminator Smurf.
Phil turned back to pay attention to his sneaking about getting tickets for movies he wasn't going to see, exalted (I hope a publisher notes I used the word 'exalted' correctly) to have used the word exalted in such an outstanding and superb way to express how he felt about outwitting that stupidester classmate Phil.
A few minutes later (minutes filled with boring stuff like shuffling his feet, scratching his head and pulling lint out of his ears which were too boring to describe in such an exciting story as this so I left them out), Phil was confronted by the ticket salesman. Or woman. Yeah, woman. It was definitely a woman. She was very pretty and a potential love interest in this story. But Phil was so nervous about all the sneaking he was doing that he didn't ask her out. Even though he wanted to.
"I'd like one young boy ticket to see The Smurf's Reunion Starring Sex and Viol--um, Terminator Smurf, please." Phil held out his twenty-dollar bill.
"That'll be twenty-one fifty, please," chewed the ticketman. Yeah, it was a man. This makes the reader worry about any potential conflict between the two men and the love interest I mentioned earlier. Who would get the woman? Would there be sex? Would there be violence?
Phil pulled out some more money and finished paying the ticket person. It gave him a ticket and he went inside! He had made it! Now, he just had to find the right theater and he would finally see PORN!
The ticket taker ripped Phil's ticket in two and said, "Twelfth theater on your left." Phil smiled sneakily and headed off for the concussion counter. This way, if anybody was watching him all suspiciously, he could evade them in the long crowded lines of the contortion counter.
"I'd like a small popcorn with extra butter and a super-duper soda, please." Phil then walked off toward the right row of theaters to sneak into a rated R-18 movie. He saw over each door the name of the movies: Galapagos: The Way We Were; Hard Times in High School; What the Butler Ate; Citizen Kane III; The Flying Buttress; What of It?: Spike Lee's Story; and last, the movie he heard was the most sexiest and most violentist movie ever produced by those sicko's in Hollywood: Forrest Gump the remake. Phil snuck in, took his seat and lost his innocence.

THE END!

 

 

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