A.I.

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Ai ai ai ai ai."What a horrific movie to see on a date. I don't want to sit next to my girlfriend while watching a movie about a person who is continually trying to get someone else to tell them they love them." 

I see dead robots."That poor boy. I mean toy. Of course nobody was going to tell him they loved him. Hollywood has no idea what unconditional love is unless it has huge breasts or a gorgeous set of abs and only lasts one night. Or one movie shoot."

"Hmm, you sound a bit more critical than ya usually are, babe. What's up?"

"This movie. Is it supposed to be heart warming? Are we supposed to be happy that this poor kid who only wants the love of his mother finally, after 2000 years, gets one night with her where she finally tells him she loves him? And, might I add, she is confused, half-asleep and on the verge of death when she finally admits it. I don't think that'd hold up in court."

"Maybe the problem with robots in the future ain't the fact they can't be programmed with emotions but they can't be programmed with self-esteem."

"Most people don't have any, so why should a bunch of computer programmers be able to recreate it? You think this movie was created because everyone in Hollywood is just searching for the love of their mother and father? And they figure since that's what drove them to be as ambitious and successful as they are, that everyone else in the world has this gaping wound left over from their childhood where love and attention should have been?"

"Woo! Look at you go, Babe. I ain't ever seen ya so worked up 'bout a movie."

"I think it's just a shame, Deathy. A darn shame that they can release this as some new version of Pinochio or something. Because it's not even close to being a fairy tale. The mother in this movie tells her poor little robot boy that she should have told him about the world. Well, who the gosh darned dangit does she think she is? The world isn't abandoning this boy. She is. She's a selfish, self-involved B-word. Pinochio was about a boy who was loved but didn't think he was because he wasn't real. In this movie, the boy doesn't think he's loved and he's right."

"Hey, babe. You think you'd ever do one 'a them lover robots? I can't friggin' wait until those are invented."

"And another thing. How come everyone in the world suddenly becomes Southern White Trash Racists when androids or robots become integrated into the population? I really think that producers and directors believe that real people are just as manipulated by tried and true plot lines in real life as they are in a dark theater for two hours."

"Two and a half for this piece of shit. I ripped the watch off the guy next to me so I could keep checkin' the time. I did give him his hand back though."

"The other big Hollywood myth in this movie is the fact that everyone is special or unique. Who believes in that tripe anymore? Tripe is the rubbery lining in the stomach of cattle, by the way, Deathy. It's used informally to describe nothing of value. Anyway, this kid A. wants to be loved and, B. wants to be unique. Then when he finds out he's not unique, as we all do when we grow up and lose our innocence, he becomes depressed and suicidal. Because, obviously, that is such a harsh and profound truth that even a genius robot boy can't handle the news."

"Like I said, they shoulda built him some ASE: Artificial Self-Esteem."

"You've got that right, Deathy. But the worst of the worst of the worst of the poop at the bottom of this movie is the fact that he DOES become special. He's the only machine left that has had contact with humans so he has become special to the Anorexic UberRobots at the end. All his pathetic little 'poor little me' robot dreams come true."

"Ya think Steven Spielberg meant this as an autobiography?"

"I don't think that would be nice to say. But that little Teddy Bear was cute. Aww. It was so sweet! I sure would like to have one of those."

"You know the best part of this movie? That fuckin' preview for Planet of the Apes. Holy fuck, that shit looks good. Even with that pantywaist New Kid On The Block in it."

"Deathy. Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark. He was never in the New Kids. That was his brother."

"Yeah, well I'd be fuckin' embarrassed if I'd actually gotten that fact right. I wish apes would beat the shit outta everyone in this movie. Fuckers."

"Ooh! Or how about if they'd beaten the S-word out of everyone who MADE this movie! *giggle*"

"Ya know, Alice, that ain't such a bad idea."

"Didn't you like that Flesh Fair? That's the kinda concert you normally like, isn't it?"

"Pretty close, Alice. But that weren't no concert. That was like some sort of racist religious revival. Just a bunch a futuristic hate mongers gathering in a large crowd with loud music to hurt people different from they are. The kinda concert I like is the kind where all the people there hurt all the other people there who are like them. Or, where I'm at a concert with a bunch of long haired, leather wearing, 80's rockers and I get to maim as many of them as I can before I'm kicked out. Which don't happen too often and only usually after I pass out from the alcohol and drugs I've consumed."

"Well, I think we can agree that this movie was a complete waste. A poorly done remake of Pinochio in which all of the characters are pathetic wastes of space. It may not be nice to say but it's also not very nice to lie. And I'd feel really awful if some poor movie-goer went to see this movie because they thought I liked it."

"Yeah. We got a mom who needs a kid cause her old kid is fucked, a kid who needs a mom but the mom wants her real kid, the real kid who suddenly isn't as fucked as he started who needs all the attention, a father who doesn't give a fuck about anything, apparently, a guy who builds robots who is obsessed with his dead, probably gay, son, a robot obsessed with sex (which is actually a pretty good character. Very believable) and a friggin' Teddy Bear that I kept waitin' to hear scream 'Eechoooba'."

"Right. What a bunch of needy people."

"People go to movies to get away from people like that. I want my cash back."

Another movie about humans who torment creatures not like them."Do you love me Deathy?"

I fuckin' hate Spielberg."Bah. Where's the off switch?"

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