Amelie

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

I like brown paper packages tied up with string! I dislike mean things."This is the sweetest, cutest, nicest, most romantic movie I will ever see. I'm sure of it. Nothing could be this cute or charming without being a puppy."

I like fucking as many chicks as possible as often as possible. And beer. I hate Jovi."It was in French. Didn't I warn you about takin' me ta see films by friggin' frogs? I had to listen to them cough up phlegm for two frickin' hours."   

"Wasn't it worth it though? I think I cried forty-four times during this movie. It was sad and sweet and joyous and a celebration of people."

"I didn't get it. She was a hot chick who couldn't get laid, right? Cause her mom was crushed in church or something like that. That happened, right?"

"Sheesh, Deathy. You just saw the movie and you can't remember what happened?"

"Shit, I'm sure I'd remember something if I'd known at any time during the flick what the fuck was going on. I told you, I can't stand that language. How was I supposed to follow the plot?"

"You did read along with the subtitles, right?"

"Fuck, Alice. You know I don't read. Besides, they give ya a choice of staring at her tight ass and sweet foreign knockers or reading along with the movie, ya know what I'm choosin' babe."

"But then you missed the whole movie! What could you possibly have gotten out of the movie if all you did was stare at her and you didn't read a thing?"

"A rock hard stiffy."

"Death Rock! I can't believe whenever we go to see a film *I* want to see, you never pay any attention. Don't you think you'd enjoy sharing an experience like this with me?"

"I did share it with you, babe. We just enjoyed different parts of the flick."

"Never again. I'm never going to another movie with you again. I bet Bright Boy would love to see a sweet movie like this with me."

"He'd fuckin' watch a dog take a turd as long as it was with you. That boy is pussy whipped and he ain't even had a taste of the tang."

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't refer to my delicate regions as 'the tang'. You are so disrespectful. I don't know why I even try to work it out with you."

"Cause who else is gonna take you out to dinner, sit through a crappy movie like this and then give you four or five life changing orgasms?"

"Well, it would really be nice, not to mention really sweet, if you'd at least pretend to care about some of the movies I really like."

"Okay, so how'm I s'pos'ta do that?"

"Well, when we go see a film *I* chose, wait until *I* say something about it so that you can judge how you should be reacting to the movie."

"So I'm gonna bite my tongue until you give me the go ahead? I never seen neither Duke boy do that for no chick. Sounds more like a Jovi love song."

"It would really make me happy. When we went to see Amelie, and I was really excited about it and I told you how much I was going to love this movie, you shouldn't have said, 'But it's in *beeping* French, babe. I jus' know it's gonna suck.'"

"How about you write me a script next time and I'll just read from that?"

"Deathy, just don't say anything if you don't like it. I don't mind if you're critical of movies I didn't like or ones I may just kind of like, but it really hurts my feelings when you don't like a movie that I really, really, really like. So just don't say anything or lie to me and make me happy."

"But I'm a friggin' movie critic, Alice. You want me to lie to everybody out there reading my review? My reputation'll be tarnished, babe. I have to tell it like I see it. And I thought this movie was too long, too confusing and way too French."

"Okay, you're right. But when we're watching the movie, could you pretend you liked it? Then, in the review, you could be truthful. At least that way, I can enjoy the movie without having to listen to you mutter, 'Merde, merde, merde,' during every single scene."

"Yeah, you're actually right, babe. I shouldn't try to mess up your review of the flick neither. Even if nobody ever listens to your opinion, you're still entitled to it."

*Le sigh*"Aww, thanks Deathy. I think everyone should go see this movie. It's incredibly imaginative. It had me weeping for the loneliness of mankind while at the same time laughing at people's ability to interact and connect in the strangest of ways. I've never felt happier after a movie ended."

*Le puke*"At least we agree on that."

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