Dancer in the Dark

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Very few things make me sick. This Bejork chick is one of them."What the hell was this shit? I coulda made a student film about emptying my bowels after a weekend rager and it woulda been more interestin'." 

I think Bjork is cute!"Boo hoo hoo! Waaaaaaaah! It was so...so...SAAAAAAD! Boo hoo hoo!"

"You're tellin' me. Shoddy camera work. Horrible editing. Lousy singing. And I couldn't understand a word said by that friggin' Bejork chick."

"I think her accent is ada...ada....adorable. Boo hoo hoo! Waaaaaaaaah!"

"I ain't sayin' it'd keep me from fuckin' her. But hell. Someone needs to take a pair of scissors to that flick and cut out half of the movie. Preferably the music scenes."

"Bu..bu..but the music scenes were the most importa...important ones. *sniff*"

"Naw. Ya can't be serious. They were horrible. Did friggin' Jovi write the lyrics?"

"This poor woman and her poor life. She lived for musicals. It was her escape. And going blind, music was really all she had left to get her through."

"I kept waitin' for that train to hit her. Or for her to get sucked inta the machine at the factory and end that nightmare movie. That hangin' took way too long to develop. But Goddamn was it satisfying."

"Deathy! You're ruining the movie for those people who have yet to see it!"

"Good. I'm saving 'em ten bucks, baby. The best part about this flick (besides the hangin') was the afro on the guy sittin' in front of me. Man, that thing ruled. Oh, and the free popcorn."

"Yes, the free popcorn was nice. But didn't you like anything about the movie?"

"Babe, if there was anything redeeming about this flick, you're gonna have to enlighten me. Cause the singin' and dancin' to pots and pans and groans and moans was supposed to be the big reason for this movie and they were absolutely the worst part of it. They should have made a musical outta the part where she killed the cop. BANG BANG BANG SMASH CRACK BAM BAM BAM BANG BANG BANG SMASH CRACK BAM BAM BAM"

"Okay. This poor woman's life was being lived only to make money to pay for an operation to save her son's vision. Nothing about her life was hers. So there was a slow, shaky pace to the movie. A hand-held camera was used throughout to portray the insecurity of her world. But only when she fell back into her daydreams and musical numbers did the camera work become smooth and beautiful. And she can see in those segments, so they are smoother and more visually appealing as opposed to the shakiness of her ordinary life with her horrible vision."

"Great. Intellectual crap. That ruins it even more. She did kill that guy. That was cool. But then she asked him to forgive him in song and danced around with the dead guy. That was pretty fucked up."

"I thought it was beautiful. She needed to escape the moment. She needed forgiveness from the man she knew was basically a good guy but had become twisted from desperation."

"I was twisted desperate for this thing to end. If anybody is thinking of going to see this film, just go see something else and then sneak in to the last ten minutes. No, last five. You might catch the last song if you get there too early. You don't want to miss this Bejork bitch get hung."

"Death Rock! That's certainly not nice. And it's especially not nice to ruin movies like that!"

"Hey, I ain't the one ruined this movie. Whoever wrote it or directed it did. Or produced it. Or whatever."

"And I thought Bjork did a lovely job with the music composition. It was very impressive work."

"Because of this movie, Alice, I think I get to pick the next ten flicks we see. Cause sittin' through this disaster was like wasting a friggin' week of my life."

"Well, I guess that's only fair. We have seen more movies of my choosing than yours, haven't we?"

"Yeah. Mainly cuz ya pick movies with names that sound like there's gonna be some hot porn action and then it's a movie full of homos and girly men."

"Don't you think Bjork is pretty? She's so cute!"

"I couldn't tell with all those housewife sweaters and dresses she was wearing. Show some tit, baby. Let's see the shape of your ass."

"Yes but you did see her face, Deathy? What did you think?"

  "She looked like a cross between an alien and a malamute, okay? She's a friggin' freak."

Maybe I need a smarter boyfriend?"*sigh* Well, I think this is a beautiful, sad, touching, joyous movie that everyone should see."

Heed my warning, Rockers."Guys. Listen to me. Stay the fuck away from this one. Only see this movie if, and I mean ONLY IF, Bon Jovi is offering you his meat pack and the only means of escape is ducking into a theater playing this thing. And then, get the hell out as soon as possible."

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