Dracula 2000

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

At least there weren't no singin'."Thanks, Alice. Great movie. Whee. The friggin' Jesus Christ Superstar of vampire flicks." 

That Dracula is still charming!"Is it over? I'm still afraid to open my eyes."

"Alice, ya got no tolerance for scare. But this thing hardly ranks on the up the pulse scale. What a rip. It's called Dracula 2000. Doesn't that mean it's s'posed ta be 2000 times scarier?"

"I think the 2000 was a new perspective/new incarnation thing that is so popular with Hollywood. Or it could just be because it was released in 2000, I guess."

"This movie really played up the Dracula can charm any chick in the world crap. But I don't want to see that shit. I can do that shit. I wanna see people gettin' gored and maimed and beheaded and stuff. The only real blood in this flick was in the first half hour. After that, it's all chicks bein' seduced. Which wouldn't normally be a problem wit' me. But chicks bein' seduced USUALLY get naked. But not in '2000'."

"Not that I was paying particularly close attention, but there was one young lady who had sex with Dracula."

"Yeah, but she was as flat as Nebraska."

"Well, I was scared by this movie."

"Oh yeah? What parts?"

"Well. There was the scene on the airplane where everyone died. And then there was the scene in the church where everyone was supposed to be dead, but they were vampires. And that scene where the news crew gets killed was very scary. Then, the part where the vampire hunter gets killed. I was hiding my eyes for most of that scene."

"Sheesh, Alice. All those scenes have been done about 2000 times already. I really think this was Wes Craven's vehicle to show everyone how much he's thought about the vampire legend and that he could still come up with some new twists to a pretty tired monster movie."

"Really? So you thought the movie was new and innovative?"

"Not really. I found it was pandering to Wes Craven's Scream filled ego. There were exactly two parts of the movie which I thought were kind of cool. The first one was the flashback where the vampire hunter trapped Dracula. Dracula is walking down an alley and the hunter steps out in front of him. Dracula pauses for a second, then reaches forward and hits glass. The mirror before him breaks, revealing bars and the vampire hunter, who is really behind him, sets the rest of the trap off. Pretty nice take on the can't be seen in a mirror aspect being Dracula's undoing."

"And was the second part the revelation that Dracula was Judas Iscariot?"

"Ha! That was the biggest penis stroke of Wes Craven's script. 'Look at my new fresh idea! Dracula was Judas! That's why he hates silver and Christianity!' Bah. Whatever. My second favorite part was the fact that the hot chick who I wanted to see get nude, naked and sexed up worked for Virgin record store. Just about every scene she was in before Dracula finally found her had the word VIRGIN declared somewhere in the scene, like in big, blatant letters across her tits. That cracked me up. That's where Craven shines, combining the old (like the fact that the Virgin is always hunted by the monster) with the modern."

"You really thought she was sexy? She was pretty. Didn't she kind of look like a dark haired version of me?"

"No. Let's stick to the movie, alright babe? Not that there's much left I want to discuss. It was a non-scary Dracula movie."

"Well, I was certainly frightened."

"I hope this is the last fuckin' movie I see with 2000 in it. That other one we saw actually scared me more."

"Pokemon 2000 scared you?"

"Well, more than this cliché piece of blood sucking garbage did."

"I don't know how you can say that, Death Rock! It was quite a different Dracula story than I've ever seen! The vampire stuff may have been old hat. But Wes Craven's perspective on the Dracula legend was quite surprising."

"Maybe. But I think layin' more blame on Judas is just gildin' the lily. Hey, I think that's the first time I've used that phrase without it meanin' somethin' nasty."

"Speaking of gilding the lily..."

"Yeah? Okay, this review is over."

I wonder what Deathy means by 'gilding the lily'?"Wait Deathy! What did you think of the movie? I thought it was thoughtfully scary and a refreshing change of pace from most vampire movies."

Dracula in 2000 is gay."Maybe we didn't see the same movie, babe, cause I thought this was basically an hour and a half of watching Wes Craven stroke his lily gilder. It wasn't really an awful movie, being as it had dead people and stuff. So I can kind of recommend it on that angle. But it wasn't scary like it should have been. Not that a movie can scare me. But I can tell scary anyway. And this is like my grandmother jumpin' out from behind a door in a Jovi mask."

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