Great Expectations


Reviewed by Death Rock and Nice Alice




"This week was a wonderful week! This week Death Rock and I saw GREAT EXPECTATIONS! Eeeewwww, it was sweet because this boy's in love with this girl, and the girl is SO beautiful, and the boy is Ethan Hawke -- I LOVE Ethan Hawke, he is SO SWEET! Don't you think, Deathy?"

"SNRRKT! Huh? Wha...?"


"Deathy, didn't you hear even one word I just said?"

"Yeah, sure. I was just sittin' here, waitin' ta review that, that... THING we saw, and then I remember you startin' ta yap, 'This week was,' an' then the next thing I know, here we is."

"Oh, Deathy...I-I-I th-th-thought that y-you h-had ma-ma-more RESPECT for little Alice..."

"Aw, fer Christ's sakes, Alice! After seein' that, that, that..."

"Death Rock, it wouldn't be very nice to --"

"Made my molars mash, just watchin' that Hawke fag take a dump on camera an' callin it a flick. Just like everything else he done -- he's the poor ol' wuss Loverboy fan, wishing that some girl would pay him any mind."

"Ethan's a beautiful man, Death Rock!"

"You see his sorry ass face pretending he's something to look at? Jesus Christ, my asshole's prettier than his snarly-toothed, Oakie-faced --"

"I THINK WE OUGHT TO TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE NOW, DEATH ROCK."

"Er.. Aw, c'mon Alice, the movie don't make no sense, anyhow --"

"I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY POSSIBLE THAT THAT MAN COULD HAVE ESCAPED FROM PRISON, FORCED A YOUNG BOY TO BRING HIM TOOLS TO CUT OFF HIS MANACLES, THEN YEARS LATER BECOME THE YOUNG MAN'S RICH BENEFACTOR."

"Well, ya know --"

"AND I REALLY THINK GWYNETH PALTROW WAS THE PERFECT SILENT GIRL WHO's SO, SO, SO *SNOOTY*, SHE COULD HARDLY SPEAK."

"Yeah, no wonder. First time the bitch whined, her acting shone like a new moon. Talk about monophone. It was like reading a bad Jovi lyric or some homely high school chick's wuss death poetry."

"What?"

"Sure, remember? When that Hawke fag's going off, saying something like, uh, 'How's it feel not to feel?' And she turns around and sing-songs something like, uh:

IMAGINE A GIRL
WHO NEVER SAW THE SUN
AND GREW UP IN THE DARK
AND FINALLY SAW SUNLIGHT.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

Jesus, Paltrow, she's a babe and a half, and man, I'd do her any day of the week, but --"

"DEATH. ROCK."

"I gotta tell the truth, don't I? But if she EVER opened her mouth around me and gave me some of that Sylvia Plath, I'd have to introduce her to the Dukes!"

"Put down those fists and stop raving before you pop a vein in your forehead again!"

"Pant, pant... I dunno, Alice. I dunno if I can let this Ethan Hawke guy live..."

"It wouldn't be very nice to kill him, Deathy."

"Not to him, maybe, but I'd have the fattest hard-on..."

"What makes you dislike him so much?"

"Oh, I dunno... maybe it's the way all you wuss women have an orgasm when you see his mongrel face on the screen. And all you hear is, 'He's so sensitive!', 'He's so beautiful!', 'He's such a good actor!' and so on and so on ad nauseum, when he's none of these things at all, and all you wuss women are just seeing something that don't exist like you always see something that don't exist in guys."

"What's that?"

"Like a heart, for one. Like we friggin' give a flying FIG about your feelings... And if any of you puss men out there say otherwise, yer just a lying puss! Don't cross me! I'll let Bo and Luke Duke meetcha in a dark alley if you cross me!"

"And that's all the time we have for Ethan Hawke's GREAT EXPECTATIONS. I gave it a thumbs up --"


"An' I'd give it my daisy up Hawke's arse [DOES NOT IMPLY HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES ON THE PART OF DEATH ROCK -- MANAGEMENT] if they'd have shown Paltrow really naked just once. Instead, I'll just introduce him to the Dukes someday."

"Oh, Deathy..."

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