In and Out

Reviewed by Death Rock and Nice Alice

"I gotta tell ya, I'm real disappointed."

"In the movie, Deathy?"

"Well, yeah, but that ain't what I meant. I'm disappointed cause I thought you was takin' me out to a porno flick. I was thinking, Wow! Alice is really startin' to rock. And then we get to the theater and it's some girly chick Frank Oz flick."

"Oh, Deathy. I thought the film was very cute. It was nice, filled with nice people, set in a nice small town--"

"Full of nice gay people. Goddamn, that whole town was filled with homos! You know I can't approve of no flick filled with queers, Alice."

"Death Rock. There is nothing wrong with being gay. Didn't you learn anything from the movie?"

"I learned to check the rating of a film at the ticket office before tossin' away eight bucks."

"Deathy, that's not what I meant. This movie should have helped you understand the plight of being a homosexual in America."

"I AIN'T no homosexual!"

"*sigh* Believe me, I know that, Deathy. But didn't you realize that--"

"Look, Alice. All I know is that the gay guy in this movie didn't even want to be gay. How old was that guy? Thirty? Forty? He ain't never had sex before, he loves Barbara Streisand, he reads poetry and Shakespeare, he wears a friggin' bow tie. It's pretty obvious he's packing meat, Alice. And yet he doesn't allow himself to admit it until he's about to get married? Seems to me he was happier before he turned gay."

"Death Rock, he was gay through the whole movie."

"You're tellin' me."

"Couldn't you feel it? The movie didn't work through the first half of the film. There was something not right about any of it. The jokes were stale, the people ridiculous, the focus just a bit skewed. But when Tom Selleck kisses him and Kevin Kline suddenly realizes that it's all true, the movie catches its stride. The whole off kilter plot development is symbolic of the gay character's life. Things seem, superficially, like they are working: his career, relationships, family life. But none of it really seems authentic until he stops acting how society wants him to and begins being himself."

"If you ask me, he shoulda met that super model. That would straightened him out."

"Meeting Tom Selleck 'straightened' him out, Death Rock. They made such a nice couple."

"A nice couple of queers. Did they really have to kiss in public like that? On a big screen? In front of me? Man, I wish I coulda showed them my dukes. Good thing I had that popcorn container to puke in."

"That's exactly what I've been trying to point out to you, Death Rock. It's very hard for a gay person in America to be themselves. Sometimes it's easier to keep on lying to yourself and your family even if you're suffering inside. People can be so very nasty to other people who are different."

"Well, I'm an equal oppurtunity hater. I'd just as soon punch a hetero in the mouth as a homo. If either one of 'em mentions Jovi to my face, well, it's Hazzard County time and the Dukes start flying."

"I understand that, Deathy. I've seen you pound away at the Galactic Hero Corps enemy Homophobo just as much as you beat on the gay villian GeoMaestro. But you shouldn't hate someone just because of their sexual preference."

"Name one gay guy who ever rocked, babe."

"Elton John?"


"Boy George?"

"Alice, don't be ridiculous."

"Rob Halford, the lead singer of Judas Priest?

"Well, he just sang, ya know? That don't count. He didn't really rock.

"John Wayne?"

"Hunh? *THE* Duke was gay?"

"I'm not saying he was. But he might have been. Would it have really mattered, Death Rock?"

"Why don't we just get back to discussin' the movie, hunh, babe? Hearin' aspersions cast at my role models is enough to get a normal person backstage tickets to meet the dukes."

"Okay, Death Rock. Is there anything you liked about the film?"

"Yeah, but you ain't gonna think I'm a ass-pounder if I tell ya, are ya?"

"Of course not, Sweety."

"Okay. I thought the part where the whole town said they were gay was cool. All those lesbians in the town really got me hot. Just think of the perverse pleasure parties that must be rockin' that town!"

"You do realize those people weren't really gay, Death Rock? They were just sticking up for Kevin Kline's character."

"Hunh? All those babes weren't really pie sniffers? They was all lying?"

"Yes, Death Rock."

"Then I hated the movie. It sucked."

"I thought it was nice. I haven't seen such a nice movie in quite some time. It had a nice happy ending and everybody had a good time except that principal guy who was still homophobic. Which just goes to show you, you should be nice and not worry about other people's differences. It just makes you unhappy."

"You know what probably made him gay? It was that Joan Cusack chick..."

"Oh Deathy..."