Mission Impossible II

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

At least there was a hot chick to look at during this flick."How could they ruin a friggin' spy movie this bad? What the hell is wrong with Hollywood?" 

Aww, thanks for the compliment, Deathy!"How do you mean, Deathy? You didn't think the action scenes were believable?"

"Oh, who cares about that. They're never believable. You just need to sit back and enjoy 'em. It was the goddamn needy men. How the hell did these guys ever become spies?"

"I like needy men."

"Most babes do, whether they admit it or not. James Bond Jovi makes the two pussy spies in this movie look like old women on bed pans. Did a friggin' chick write this movie? Fuckin' disgrace to testosterone is all I can say."

"Would you endanger a Galactic Hero Corps mission for me, Deathy?"

"I'd endanger a Galactic Hero Corps mission for any reason, babe. Those pansies are more fun when they're gettin' blown up and knocked out. But, and this is really hypothetical, if I were some do-goodin' spy with a jones for savin' the world, you can be sure I ain't lettin' some hot piece of ass ruin it for me. You do the deed and that's that. This Ethan fella falls in love with this chick. Wrong. Sure, she's hot. You shuck her a few times. And then when you send her out to be a whore for information, ya shrug and go on to the next hottie. What's with these guys treatin' chicks like possessions?"

"Now that's the first thing I've heard you say that I agree with. Those two men, that good looking one and the evil villain, who was kind of cute too, were more interested in having that girl all to themselves than the fate of the world or the 37 million pounds. The whole thing was some stupid high school rivalry for a girl's affections."

"Well, actually babe, I don't mind women being treated like possessions. As long as you're willin' to drop 'em in the twenty five cent garage sale box when you're done so the next guy can get a little action. Women start thinkin' they're all special and shit when a man gets all jealous and pissed at the thought of another man bendin' her over. Just think how many more chicks we could score with if these needy men weren't treatin' 'em like a trip to their rose garden was a friggin' Caribbean holiday."

"So, you don't think I'm *sniff* special? *sniff sniff*"

"Don't take this personal, babe, but how's a guy s'posed to be honest if his chick keeps holdin' out the goods every time he says something that makes her feel vulnerable? I mean, obviously I'm gonna kick the crap outta some guy he tries to lay his hands on yeah. But I got a rep to protect, ya know?"

"But *sniff* you'd beat someone up for me?"

"Course I would, babe. But enough about us. I'm tryin' ta talk intellectual about this flick so you're gonna have to excuse some of the stuff I say that might offend ya, ya know?"

"I know, sweety. Go ahead with your point."

"Well, the way I figure it, guys like to sleep with chicks. With lots of chicks. As many chicks as they can get their hands on..."

"*sniff*"

"*sigh* Anyway. So guys should be encouragin' women to have lots of sex. The more sex they have with different guys, the better chance every guy is gonna get lots of sex from different women. But these flamin' needy, girly-type guys got to ruin it for everyone. They take a woman and make like they own that woman and get pissed off if that woman has sex with another guy but in the mean time, they're floatin' the boat with every spread eagled chick that comes along."

"*sniff* What does this have to do with the movie, Deathy?"

"I don't know. Something about the good guy almost ruining the mission cause of his, ahem, love for that long legged cleavage model. And the bad guy just about screws himself and his gang outta a whole slew of cash just cause he can't let go of an old flame. Whatever. I'm tellin' ya, a chick wrote this movie. Chicks wanna believe men would do this kind of shit over them but, let me put it to ya easy, girls: Men don't risk that kind of dough over a chick. Nor do they fall in love during car chases. He saved her pussy, that's it. And after he woke up in bed with her, it woulda been over. In the real world. Not in some lame chick's script of a lame movie."

"Actually, Deathy, it was written by men."

"Well, they're wusses. Probably married. Or trying to get some chick into bed with they're 'look how much guys dig chicks' type screenplay."

"So, I'm guessing you didn't like it? Am I right?"

"Pretty much. The relationship stuff was lame. The kung fu scene was way too long. Apparently, everyone has a glass jaw except for spies. And spies are apparently trained in everything, otherwise there wouldn't have been a motorcycle chase, a gun fight, a break-in, a rappelling stunt, rock climbing, soccer, freestyling, make-up, parachuting, and God knows what else. I guess the Impossible part of the title was the fact that everything done throughout the movie was."

"I agree with you, Death Rock. *sniff sniff*"

"Aww, what's wrong, babe? You upset about some of the stuff I said? Cause it had ta be said, ya know?"

"*sniff* No, it's okay. I don't want you to hold back when you're discussing a movie intelligently. I'm not here to censor you. *sniffsniff*"

  "All that stuff was just movie talk. You're different. You're *ahem* special, baby."

He really does love me!"Really, Deathy? You mean it?"

That was too close! Can't lose a night 'a that sweet poontang!"Sure I do, babe. Sure I do."

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