"Alice, this movie rocked so much that I ain't even upset about it not being a fuck flick."
"I'm just so pleased that the doggy didn't die. I was so worried!"
"Geez, Alice. You're concerned about the lamest stuff. This was the best diamond heist double cross fixed boxing bookie bad ass gypsy triple cross movie I've ever seen. And best of all, no goddamn love story."
"I was sort of confused. There were too many characters for me to keep track of. I'm not sure what happened. Except that the dog didn't die."
"How could you not understand this flick? Guns that actually shoot bullets are better than guns that don't, black guys aren't as tough as Russians and dogs eat shit."
"Oh! That doggie was the best part of the movie! He was so adorable."
"I knew a movie named Snatch would kick ass. Leave it to the homo British to write a movie that tears the nuts off of everything Hollywood has dished out in the last decade. And did I mention no love story?"
"Yes, Deathy. I had a bit of a problem with that. I think Brad Pitt should have fallen in love with a sweet little gypsy thing to console him over his mother's death. And he should have stopped spending so much time with the other gypsy guys. They were a bit too rough and tumble for me. And disgusting."
"See Alice? Ya jus' gave the movie a sex change and a rose petal enema. This movie had about seven chicks total in it. And four of them were completely naked. Now those are good movie odds. But best of all, the chicks dialogue was limited. We didn't have to listen to no yappy, brain dead, illogical, pseudo-philosophical female ramblings. I hate when bitches can't shut up."
"Boy that doggie was cute! I liked when he ate the squeaky ball! Hee hee."
"Guys, if your woman wants to go see a movie, refuse to go unless you see Snatch. It doesn't matter how many times you go see it, if it's still playing at the theater and your woman wants to go to the movies, make her see Snatch. Until Snatch is no longer playing at any theater in your area, make it the only movie you will see with your chick."
"And then the doggie ate the diamond! *giggle*"
"Castaway? Fuck it. Guy wants to get off an island for a chick. The Wedding Planner? Hollywood's worst recycled script. True love can't stand in the way of true love. What Women Want? Crappy, fake love stories is what. Where are the movies about real men who don't give a morning bone whether a woman loves him or not, just as long as he can get his tongue in her underwear."
"We should go see What Women Want, Deathy! That looks like such a cute movie!"
"Are you listenin' to me, Alice?"
"No, Death Rock. I've come to realize that most of your movie comments never have much to do with the cinematic experience itself. If you like a movie, it must mean there were more boobies than the phrase 'I love you'. And more drugs than hugs. More guns than kisses. When you say a movie was good, I know why you liked it. So why do I have to listen to you?"
"You're right, Alice. I'm not much of a movie critic. I usually hate movies. Hollywood is worse than a messy wipe. Hell, I find more originality in the dingleberries hangin' outta my ass after a double jalapeno nacho and a case of under a buck beer."
"So you think foreign gangster movies are original? Every movie you like is basically the same, Deathy. Lots of guns. Lots of arguments and misunderstandings. Just enough ditzy broads to show a few boobies. That's original? Shoot, Deathy, they even had a fixed boxing match. Remember Pulp Fiction?"
"It may not be original. But at least it's entertaining. And it ain't full of string pulling tear jerkin' recycled stories."
"I will say one thing positive about this movie that doesn't have to do with a cute little puppy. The good guys prosper. The people who die deserve to die. The people who get the diamond deserve to get the diamond. And the people who end up not dead but arrested don't deserve to be dead and probably don't deserve to be in jail for too long. And the people who everyone despises and hates make fools of all the rest and end up on top. Even though those poor African-Britains who took such good care of the doggie probably didn't deserve to get arrested."
"Okay, so there was a bit of Jovi in the script. Sometimes it can't be helped. Damn. This movie was so good that I can't think of much of anything else to say about it cause I'm so used ta trashin' the used toilet paper they call film."
"Maybe this would be good practice for you then? Try to think of something nice to say about the movie! Something nice that doesn't involve something not nice like blood and guns! And boobies!"
"Okay, Alice. Here
goes: I like how Brad Pitt's character made fun of the way them British homos
"Sure it was! Like, whenever anybody in the film spoke, you could barely understand them cause 'a their gay accents. And then Brad Pitt speaks and even they couldn't understand him. That was hilarious. Especially since it was an American makin' fun of 'em right to their faces."
"Well, I can't say that was nice. Although it was positive. I guess. And Brad Pitt was pretty nice to look at."
"Hunh? What the hell?"
"You know? His acting is so nice to, um, observe. It just, um, ripples off the screen. His talent bulges on film. He...he...well, he's simply a wonderful actor."
could kick his scrawny ass. Although I probably wouldn't since he seems to be
one of the few dudes in Hollywood who knows how to pick a script. This movie
almost made up for draggin' me to see Dancer in the Dark."