The Tao of Steve

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Who'd a' thought? A fat ass rocker."Whoa. Now normally, I wouldn't go fer no flick without some kind of wholesale slaughter or nudey women, but who'd a thought it? A nonblood, nonskin flick that almost scored a full set o' Slayers!" 

Fat people can be nice too."I liked 'The Tao of Steve' a lot, too! It's a beautiful movie in which a beastly boy named Dex, who uses women, seducing them then tossing them aside, meets Syd, the girl of his dreams --"

"Re-meets her. An' probably not 'of his dreams' since she ain't so hot, an' since he'd done her in school an' din't even remember."

"Ahem. Yes. Anyway, they reunite and the rest of the movie is about him trying to win her over and in the end he does! Hurray!"

"Yeah, sure, ya can look at it that way, or ya can open yer eyes a crack and see that in between them implausible Hollywood moments is a real examination of what it is to be a man -- any kinda man -- and the strategies and tactics, known as the Tao of Steve, involved to get a chick inna sack."

"Well, yes, there's a little of that..."

"A little! Just look at the scene in which Dex's puttin' on his move, saying things like "I'm falling in love with you," and she says something like, "Oh yeah? Then why are you sleeping around if you're falling in love with me?" and he sneeringly answers with the most manly quote I ever did hear in a flick:

'What? Should I remain celibate 
while I bask in the glow of your 
annihilating contempt?'

And it's like, I'm a nodding, agreeing with the fat ugly fuck and saying, "Yeah! You rockin' hard core!"

"Well, I think --"

"Shut yer piehole fer a minute. I got somethin' ta say. Never in the history of flickmakin' has a flick come within just minutes of revealin' the entire truth o' the relationship 'tween men an' women. 'The Tao of Steve' shows how anyone -- drunks, slobs, fatties, uglies, anyone who has a salami 'tween his legs -- can get a chick: DON'T CARE. Don't worry none 'bout whether or not some chick likes you; in fact, play 'hard to get.' A woman, cuz she's a contrarian by nature, will want that which does not want her. This is a flick fer all you losers out there -- believe me, you need to see it."

"B-but, the ending shows how wrong that is! Dexter suffers because Syd doesn't fall for it! He then starts to see what is wrong with that approach to a relationship, cries, and moves to New York to be with her! The end of the film shows that men shouldn't act like jerks to ladies, because they will never, ever develop a meaningful, loving relationship if they do! The film's end shows that very clearly!"

"The film's endin' is why I ain't givin' it a full set o' Slayers, babe. It wussed out at the end, retreated from the ultimate conclusion cuz the director musta knewed that it weren't gonna fly otherwise."

"Well..."

"Besides, it's through the use of the Tao of Steve that Dex actually gets the chick!"

"That's not true!"

"No, it is... see, he's pursuin' her, even though he talks about the Tao of Steve with friends and uses it successfully with other womens. An' cuz he's pursuin' her, he ain't gettin' nowhere. But just as he's gettin' used to the idea that he ain't gonna get none, and starts not puttin' it on thick, Syd falls him, fat fuck that he is! Once he started to use the Tao of Steve -- unconsciously, of course -- he successfully sacks her. It's beautiful, really."

"..."

"But the endin' is where this film loses its chance to be the only nonblood, nonskin flick to get a whole row o' Slayers. Dex flips, gets all wussy, and moves to New York."

"Well, I thought it was wonderful and romantic!"

"Of course you do, but look at the ending: Syd's at work, setting up scenery at the theater or opera or whatever it is. Dex enters, bumbling around, knocking stuff over. Now, this reprises an earlier scene in which they're behind stage elsewhere, right? An' Dex knocks stuff over there, too -- but he's on top of it, putting his moves on her, tryin' to be cool. But in the last scene, Dex is wide-eyed, a Winger fan at an Ozzie show, totally confused and confounded an' pathetic. He's beaten. Very non-Tao of Steve, if'n you ask me. An' pretty unrealistic, since she's pretty much a dog."

"Death Rock! That's really uncalled for!"

"Ain't nothin' but the truth, babe."

"Well, anyway, it's not nice."

"Anyway, all dudes should go see this flick, and leave just when it starts gettin' gimpy. Here's a hint: Leave when Syd calls Dex from New York."

What a beautiful ending."Everyone should see this movie! It's a nice story, has funny situations, and it is filmed in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is really interesting because I have never been to Santa Fe!"

Just another movie provin' wussy men and women ruin everything that coulda rocked hard."Yeah. Whatever."

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