The Cell

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice 

Heh. Wadda piece...of ass."Heh heh heh. Whadda piece." 

Why don't we go see that Autumn in New York, Deathy?"I thought you were going to like 'The Cell', Deathy!"

"So'd I, but then you go an' yer expectin' to see some great tits and ass with Jennifer Lopez there, an' yer expectin' that it's gonna be something cool an' horrific an' bloody an' mindblowing, an' yer expectin' it to match up to The Matrix in substance and style -- an' nada. Nothin'. It went freakin' Jovi on us."

"Well, it had great special effects!"

"So what? ANY movie has great FX nowadays -- ya just order them up from yer FX dude and he whips them up just like that. Sure, they was cool effects, but it ain't like it was Star Wars when it came out in the late 70s, showin' us shit we ain't never seen or even imagined before."

"That's a very good point, Deathy! But I thought the symbolism was rather interesting!"

"Erg! Yer lucky I'm still happy with yer performance in bed, babe, cuz otherwise, I'd have ta slap ya into thinkin' right. That 'symbolism' wasn't nothin' new to anyone who's read a bit of pseudo-Freudian pop psychology. Hell, I ain't ever read nothin' 'cept Slayer and Iron Maiden lyrics, really, an' I knewed them symbols. Jennifer Lopez as mother figure saving the good part of the villain, represented as a li'l boy, or Lopez as the angelic maiden, fighting back against the evil of the villain represented as a big hulking creep whose ass I'd kick any day of the week. Whatever -- it's boring shit, and the director should get to meet my fists with his face just because he thought we was stupid!"

"Well, I suppose that's right. I'm not too familiar with human psychology, you see, since I'm from Yuokev. I think this would be a great movie to show to aliens like me who've never met humans before!  The basic psychological symbols of an entire race encompassed by a single film!"

"Yeah, if ya wanna confuse the fuck outta them."

"I was at a loss for what the story was about, though."

"There's some police action, and there's some 'Hellblazerish' stuff, and there's yer story. But, ya know, what I'm most concerned about is this: Why they didn't show any Lopez ass or tits?! I mean, who the hell would have gone if they didn't think they'd get some o' that rack? It's almost false advertising, starring Lopez with no skin. I'm in a mind to beat those responsible bloody --"

"Oh, Deathy, that wouldn't be too nice..."

"I'm not a carin', Alice! Bastards should know better than to fuck with someone like me who can snap their necks with a snap o' my fingers!"

"Well, I thought Vince Vaughn was a really, really good actor."

"Jesus Christ, Alice, what's your probem? Vaughn's performance is his worst ever. He was decent -- for a guy -- in other films like 'Swingers' and even the 'Psycho' remake. Just cuz he's got baggy eyes and a pale face don't make him a good actor. He's takin' himself too seriously -- that's always the death knell of a good actor. That, an' my fists when he shows too much man ass in a movie! Vaughn's just lucky he ain't showin' no man ass in this movie, or he'd be one dead shit! "

"I like Vince Vaughn. I thought he was really, really good. I think that it's okay for you and I to have different opinions without you -- sniff! -- you dis-disparaging them!"

"Jesus, Alice, what's wrong with you? Opinions mean nothin' in the face o' facts, babe. Why're you saying stuff that ain't even halfway true?"

"I think that anyone can find anything nice to say about anything. That's the way I see the world. And so I think Vince Vaughn is a really good actor in 'The Cell.'"

"Even though yer tellin' a lie?"

"I think Vince Vaughn is a really good actor in 'The Cell.'"

"So basically, yer sayin' that "The Cell" ain't too good a flick."

I think Vince Vaughn is a *really* good actor in 'The Cell'."I think Vince Vaughn is a really good actor in 'The Cell.'"

Lame ass director of those pansy Nine Inch Nails is goin' down."Right. Anyway, "The Cell" was directed by Tarsem Singh, and he's gonna be executed 'fore he can afflict us with another bad flick."

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