'Traffic' reviewed by Death Rock & Nice Alice

Drugs are bad?"Arggghhhh! I feel like bringing out Bo and Luke, Alice! I was cheated." 

I'm glad Catherine Zeta Jones didn't get naked."Why Deathy? I thought Traffic was a nice movie."

"Nice? You call a pregnant Catherine Zeta Jones nice? They can't tease me with her in the previews and then have her all bulging in the belly! Nothing ruins a hot chick like a pregnant stomach."

"How can you say that? Her being pregnant made her character vulnerable and explained her dramatic shift in character towards the end of the movie. Plus, women are at their most beautiful when they're with child."

"Yeah right, babe. Every time they showed below her face, it made me want to puke."

"Deathy, the movie wasn't all about her; it was about the futility of all aspects of the drug war. It tried to show how the war is being lost on both sides of the border and that prevention and treatment may be the only way to ever win the war."

"But all we got to see out of it was some black man's ass! Here ya got a movie with Catherine Zeta Jones and some other fine-ass babe playin' old man Douglas' daughter, but do we get any good skin? Nope. We get black man ass while Michael Douglas' daughter is naked half the movie, but always just off screen or under some sheets. I guess that's okay if you're a chick or a fag. But for me, I need a bit more tits and bush if a movie is gonna avoid gettin' a recommendation from me."

"The daughter was an innocent who was swept up into the horrible world of drug addiction. Besides, she was only sixteen."

"The character was sixteen. The babe playing her had to be legal. Plus, as the saying goes, if there's grass in the infield, fuck it hard and make her shave."

"Deathy, that's not nice. This movie showed some profound insight into the fight against drugs."

"Right, babe. We learned in this movie that crack is really the problem of rich kids at a private white high school; that the information from a single Mexican cop can bring down an entire drug cartel; and that America's drug Czar can really come to terms with the fact that the world is losing the drug war. I may not know much about history or current events, because those things hardly ever rock and roll, but I know a hell of a lot about buying and usin' drugs and this movie got everything backwards."

"So you're saying you didn't like this film?"

"It was okay, Alice. Definitely didn't rock my world like I rock yours. Only one explosion, a handful of gun fights and no bikini-clad chicks at pool parties. Any good drug movie's gotta have Crocket and Tubbs chargin' in with both barrels blasting, minus the faggy pink and purple clothes. And probably two real men in place of those two homos. Drug movies need a buncha speed boats, lots of explosions, some fine naked babes hangin' out at the cartel's compound, and it needs an un-pregnant Catherine Zeta Jones showin' off her hot bod! Christ, I want to pound some director's head just for thinking about that."

"But the movie tried to show how the drug war shouldn't be a 'war' at all. It's not about guns and explosions; it's about education and limiting the demand on this side of the border. It tried to show that we need to change our perspective on how we view the war--that crack isn't just an urban, black problem."

"And what was up with the film quality? Half the time, the film looked like shit!"

"The director used different films and camera speeds, depending upon where the scene was being filmed. That way, the audience could always tell if we were in Mexico, San Diego or Washington D.C. It was a deliberate technique, and I enjoyed its often gritty quality."

"Fuck, I thought they just couldn't afford good equipment and ended up with some cheap Japanese crap. And why couldn't the Mexicans just speak English like they do in every other movie? Fuckin' subtitles. If I wanted to read, I would have brought a book. Or some drugs."

"The director wanted a realistic movie, not a Hollywood cliché. I liked it a lot."

"Well, Alice, I guess you're not a film connie-sewer like me. I don't want no intellectual mumbo jumbo. I want tits, a little tail now and again, lots of ass-kicking, fire, bullets, blood...did I mention tits?"

"Yes, Deathy. You did. Still, I think the movie told an original story."

"Original? Then why can the whole audience see that Miguel Ferrer is going to be poisoned but the stupid cops protecting him can't?"

"Shhhhh. You'll ruin the end of the movie."

"Like that's something new, Alice. The cops' informant gets offed, and the cartel mastermind goes free because of lack of evidence. Cop loses his partner, and the war against drugs becomes personal. Nope. No clichés in this movie."

"Well, the movie's not perfect."

"No, but if you're going to have clichés, give me boobs, guns and a few more boobs."

Why can't we ever agree on a movie?"I see that we'll just have to disagree about Traffic. I liked it"

Wait...wait! Hold on...Drugs are BAD?"I think it teases you with a lot in the previews but then just preaches at ya. And with no Catherine Zeta Jones payoff to boot! Let's go have sex, Alice. I'm feeling a bit pent up."