Unbreakable

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Damn. When'd they stop puttin' hooters in movies?"What the hell did I just sit through? Super heroes? Give me a friggin' break. I spend all day with the most retarded, obnoxious group of super heroes and you think it's a good idea to take me to a fuckin' comic book movie?" 

I just adore that Samuel L. Jackson!"Deathy. This was much more than just a comic book movie. It was about identity. And the choices one makes to define oneself which defines oneself themselves."

"Alice, are you on crack? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well. You know? Life. Take your life for example. You're a lot like Bruce Willis's character in this film. You can't be hurt by anything."

"Except I ain't got no homo weakness to water, Alice babe."

"Yes, except for that. Anyway, his life is defined by football. He's a star in high school, best player in years, career ahead of him. His whole life is going down this one path. Then he meets a woman. He gives up football for this woman. Perhaps he figured football just wasn't making his life worthwhile. It didn't seem to be that THING that we all look for to make our lives mean something. So he thinks this woman will do it for him. Twelve years later, marriage on the rocks, he realizes this isn't for him either. Fatherhood hasn't done it. Marriage. Football. Job. Nothing is defining him and making life worth living."

"And what, by Krypton, does this have to do with me, babe?"

"Just listen. I'm getting to that. So something happens to this guy that changes his whole outlook on who he is and where he fits in:  he walks away completely unscathed in a train accident where everyone else dies. Where does this put him? Where does he go from here? What does it all mean?"

"My spider sense ain't tingling, babe. I ain't got a clue."

"Well, no, I wasn't asking you. Those are the questions he asks himself. His life is turned upside down. And then a stranger appears and hands him meaning. He tells him how he is special. This stranger seems to understand and define him."

"Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah. But what about me?"

"Don't you see? You're the same way! You were wandering through life unsure where you belonged. Doing the rocking and the rolling, drinking and shooting the drugs. You had no perspective on your special powers, Deathy. You lacked a real identity. But the Galactic Hero Corps came to you and showed you what you were meant to be! We helped define you! And now you wake up without that sadness, like Bruce Willis in the movie!"

"Alice, if you don't stop bogartin' that crack pipe, you're gonna be public enemy number one in Hazzard County."

"I'm not on crack, Deathy. That wouldn't be nice."

"Then could ya please stop talkin' nonsense? My life never had no meanin' before I joined the Corps and it ain't got no meanin' now. That Bruce Willis was a chump. Just another weak minded fool who can't figure out that life ain't ever gonna feel dead on right exact all the time and ya just gotta do what ya wanna do and make your way. Make your moronic choices and if ya don't like the choice ya made, ya ain't got ta stick with it. Move the fuck on, man. Twelve years in that La Brea Marriage. Jeezus. Get a spine and walk."

"Deathy! It wasn't the marriage that was making his life bad! Don't you see? It was the fact he was doing the wrong thing with his life! He was living another man's life when there was something special for him. Just like for all of us! There is something out there that makes us happy and whole and who we are!"

"Will you knock off that Hollywood mindfuck, Alice? There ain't no one thing for each person. There ain't just one true love for each person. There ain't just one chance in life to make something of your lazy ass boring personality. If ya love to do something, do that damn thing. If you fail, try the fuck again. You don't have to sigh in defeat about your big missed opportunity. If your first, 'true' love doesn't work out, go fuck someone else. Or get another 'true' love. Not that I'm promotin' love, here. It's just an example, you know?"

"Well, all of that can be true, Deathy. Lots of failures and relationships doesn't mean anything. It just means you haven't met your real true love yet! Or found the thing that gives meaning to your life!"

"Man, Alice. You're as crippled as that sorry ass Samuel Jackson Mr. Glass dude in that flick. You're letting the boundaries of your life be dictated by a form of media. This Mr. Glass dude was all messed up with comic books. And it made him crazy. Life was a comic book. Everything had to be about comics. The way he was, the piss poor body he was dealt, he figured it all had to relate to comics in some way. He was just another lost jerk-off looking for a place to fit in. If it weren't comics, it woulda been religion. Insteada being some criminal mastermind defined by the super hero he finds in Willis, he woulda been some Jim Jones shitbag defined by the amount of people he had following his psychotic theories. He was a nutjob. And Bruce Willis bought into it because he was just as sad and needy for defining as Mr. Glass."

"So, being a super hero doesn't make you happy?"

"Alice, gettin' a paycheck so I can drink like a Mexican Whore makes me happy. The fact that I get to bust skulls and torment morons like Bright Boy is just perks. I ain't defined by the fact I catch criminals. I'm defined by me, baby."

"Well, I guess it was a pretty silly idea that they have to be defined by their opposites. The hero is defined by the arch-villain who are complete opposites. Mr. Glass versus Mr. Unbreakable. But he was an arch-villain. And they are usually delusionary, you know?"

"Yeah, Alice. Made a lot of sense. So, by the movie's theory, your arch enemy is Mean Joe Green and mine is Bon Jovi? Hmm, well, mine IS Bon Jovi but it don't mean I agree with that flick."

"You don't have to agree to like it though. Did you like it? I think I liked it. Did you? I mean, I kind of think I might have liked it, possibly."

"Ya know, Alice. I might have liked it. But it was slow. But it was boring. But there was a relationship on the rocks that ended up working out. But there was a guy who was a shlub who turned out to be a hero. But there was a father/son relationship that was strengthened by the whole hero deal. Now, if'n that guy had kicked the shit outta that Mr. Glass at the end for usin' him, it woulda been better. If'n that guy woulda started fuckin' every broad in Philly cause he was a bona fide super hero, it mighta been cool. And if his son woulda shot Mr. Unbreakable's balls off, that woulda rocked. But none 'a that happened and all those buts did."

"Yeah, it wasn't that good, was it? After I think about it a bit, it sort of came up a bit lame, right? Get it! I made a Mr. Glass joke!"

  "Great joke, babe. So, after all your defending of the movie, ya hated it, hunh?"

Actually, I really liked this movie! Don't tell Deathy!"Yes. I did. You hated it too, right? I'm pretty sure I didn't like it. I think."

Damn comic book movie. Comic books is art. HA!"Right. And I actually didn't think it was as bad as a later years Aerosmith concert but it didn't even come close to Anthrax's first ever practice gig in their parent's garage."

Back