Varsity Blues


Loser!

Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Alice, when are ya gonna take me to a sex flick already?"You wanna know the reason I hate football flicks, Alice? Hunh? You really, really wanna know what I hate about these damn football movies?"

Now Death Rock, we can watch those nice movies in the comfort of our own place."I'm not so sure I want to hear this, Deathy. You never have anything nice to say about any movies we go to see."

"Now, ya know that ain't true, babe. I loved that alien flick and the one with the stripper gettin' it in the head."

"Yes, yes, I know, Deathy. Go ahead. Why don't you like football pictures?"

"Because they're always filled with homos."

"Death Rock! I've just about had it with your use of the term homosexual as a derogatory remark of others. Can't we see one film where you don't slander people for their sexual preference."

"Sure, babe. What about that aliens flick or the one with the..."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. The one where the stripper gets it in the head. But that's because those movies were filled with blood and gore and violence and sex. Why can't you dislike a film for other reasons than because it was full of homosexuals? Which, in my point of view, isn't a bad thing, Death Rock."

"Well, Alice, I could critique a film without calling everyone in it homosexuals if'n ya'd take me to a film that wasn't filled with friggin' homosexuals."

"*sigh* Okay, Deathy, okay. Let's just forget it and go on with the movie critique. Why do you think football movies are filled with gay people? And I'd ask why you felt that was wrong except I know the answer. You're not a nice person sometimes."

"You got that right. Anyway, football is all about men. It's all about men touching each other and playing with their balls and making passes and gang tackling and all that crap where one guy is always touchin' another guy. Let's face it. Practically the first thing one a them football players does is stick his ass in the cab window of the fat guy's truck. I didn't pay ten bucks to see man ass, Alice."

"Well, I understand, Death Rock. But why don't we get to the real point of your critique. You don't find homosexuals disgusting because they are men having sex with men. You find them disgusting because they are men. Period. These boys were disgusting, swinish, foul, dirty, obscene, tight-assed, sweaty, muscular...well, they acted just as men act. Disgusting. Perverts. That one wanted to have sex with the pig."

"Yeah, that woulda been cool. Yeah, Alice, you're right. Men can act like idiots. Just about every single guy in this town was a football brained jovi fan. None of 'em ever thought about anything else. Except the one kid. The back up quarter back. And we, the movie audience, are s'posed to like him cause he's reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five instead learning the plays? Give me a break!"

"I agree completely, Deathy. He and his little 'I hate football' girlfriend are supposed to be the only people in this town who hate the way the coach runs everything. Everyone else lives with it and loves it. Football, football, football. The only smart thing that second string quarter back does is read Slaughterhouse Five. Why? To show he's as displaced as the lead character of that book, Billy Pilgrim?"

"Hell, how should I know? He coulda been readin' The Wizard of Oz for all I care. But you wanna know the most unbelievable part? Not that the coach runs the town, or the football players can get away with driving cop cars around naked, or that the fat guy has a pig as a pet, or that the running back is black, or that the sex education teacher is a stripper?"

"What's that, Death Rock?"

"It's that the head Cheerleader is a brain. Yeah, right. Whatever."

"Well, they mention she gets straight A's but that doesn't mean she's smart. She still thinks she needs a man to get her out of that not nice town. I find it strange that the players were able to run the coach out of his job during half time of the division championship when they didn't have any back bone to stand up to him at any time before that. Especially the slightly overweight one who the coach always made cry."

"Slightly overweight? He was a friggin' pig, Alice. Oh, one more unbelievable thing if you don't mind me ruinin' more of the movie. That fat turd scores the winning touchdown by running fifteen yards or so while throwing off defenders or just plain carrying 'em into the end zone. Who writes these things where they think fat fuck equals strong as an ox? Take out his knees, ya damn Jovi defenders! Sheesh. This movie would have been genius if they'd cut every scene but one."

"Let me guess. The strip club scene, right?"

"Oh yeah, babe. You got it. That teacher had the nicest rack this side of Ganymede. Not including your hooters, babe."

"Thank you, Deathy. So, what do you rate this film?"

And don't forget, you internet geeks! Jovi don't rock!"Well, the strip scene comes sorta near the end, so it made me forget all that other man ass they kept flashin' at the beginning. But it was still a typical small town, the whole school could be models, football is life, coach is God, quaterback is Jesus and the rest of the team is the Holy Spirit (except the black guy who's just there cause he can run fast) kind of fare that you'd expect MTV ta bring ya. I wouldn't skip punching Jovi in the face if it meant I had to watch this movie but it'd make me hesitate."

Have a nice day!"I didn't think this was a nice movie except maybe all that, as you call it, man ass. Maybe we should go see a sex flick sometime, Big D. Um...anyways...I don't believe this. We haven't agreed on a movie since trashing Spice World together! Awwwww! This is soooo cute!"

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