Very Bad Things

Reviewed by Death Rock and Nice Alice

Get that cursor outta my face, ya friggin' Jovi Fan! This movie depicted my dream Bachelor Party, if'n I was ever gonna get married and need a bachelor party anyway.

Hi! It's so nice to meet you!Oh Deathy! You're such a kidder!

Hunh? What do ya mean, babe?

'As if you were ever going to get married'? You're so coy sometimes!

Yeah, well, getting back to the bachelor party. Man, these guys are watching wrestlin', snortin' coke, guzzlin' alcohol and friggin' prostitutes! It's great! That's the kinda party that makes a guy do the right thing and leave the chick standing at the altar!

I thought those men acted horribly. And that one was married! He shouldn't have been there! These men just weren't nice.

But that party woulda just been average if only that stuff had happened! Man, that guy snuffs the whore while doing here against the wall and then they off the security guard! Ha! Talk about funny!

Death Rock! That was disturbing. I did think that the homoerotic imagery of the wrestlers embracing each other mixed with the man having relations with the escort was appropriate. Those men had some problems that go a little deeper than the liquor store and a crack pipe.

What? Homo erotic? You musta been watchin' the wrong flick. Anyway, all sorts of crazy shit goes down during the movie and it's a laugh riot right up until the end.

I think they all got what they deserved, including that smarmy Cameron Diaz. She thinks she's so cute, with her I'm all nice image and stuff. Oh! She just gets on my nice little nerves.

Yeah, the hooters on her! Remember that part in There's Something About Mary when she's practically naked! Whoa! I'd sure like to spackle that.

Well, I sure hope you don't act like this before our wedding, Deathy.

Whatever. I act like that now.

I just plain didn't think this was a nice movie at all. I should have brought a book to read.

Let me tell ya what I think! If I ever was to get hitched to ya, Alice, and that's a monstrosity of an if, I'd like my best men to be Greased Lightning, Dirk Daring, Teleman, Bright Boy, and that fat fish that thinks he's a writer. First off, Dirk would be thrown right in the hole with the dead hooker and the security guard. Boot to the face, lung full of dirt, no more Dirk. Then, that scene where the adult Kevin Arnold takes a truck to his mini van? That'd be Greased! And he ain't slippin' out of that train wreck. Next, Teleman and that Fish guy take it like that adult Arnold's wife and the weaselly guy who killed the Ho. Make it look like a suicide lover's pact. And then you could take out Bright Boy just like that luscious Cameron takes out Christian Slater! Whamo! Smash his face in with a table lamp and throw him in the toilet. He spends enough time in there wanking his oscar meyer anyway.

Deathy! It sounds like you've thought about this a lot.

You better believe it!

Awwww, that is so sweet! You've actually thought about our wedding day!

I told you to get that cursor outta here, Cherry Pie! Um, yeah, right Alice. Anyway, this movie is about as good as Bon Jovi getting castrated on stage at an Anthrax/Slayer concert. Um, with a guitar jacked up his ass.

Bye bye! See you later!This movie was not nice at all. It was Very Not Nice Things. Very, very not nice.