Reviewed
by
Death Rock and Nice Alice

Fuckin' Blair Witch better get better at killin' assholes. Slacker."I've got some major problems with this movie right up front, babe." 

What a scary movie! It wasn't nice in a nice, goosebumpy way."Well, as long as you don't spoil it for anyone, I'd be glad to hear what they were."

"Yeah, right. Like we've ever been careful not to ruin a friggin' movie before. I've got five big problems."

"Five, hunh? That's not very nice. I hope you have at least five nice things to say about the movie also."

"Har! Right. Anyway, my first problem is that damn witch chick. The redheaded, small boobed, Wiccan whinefest. Why the hell couldn't she have gotten it in the throat in the first fifteen minutes of this thing. Especially when they made her seem really hot and then she got naked and I couldn't tell her from the twig she was dancin' around."

"So you didn't like her because she had small breasts? Is that your complaint?"

"If that were my only complaint, it would be enough. But I swear I wanted to slap this bitch every time she uttered a word. Especially that line about 'capitalism makin' money off of her culture'. As if being a witch was something she was born into and not something she chose to play up her needy, look-at-me-I'm-different-and-mysterious, drama-queen, bullshit personality. I'm glad she ate it."

"Deathy! Some people have yet to see this film!"

"Well, at least they'll get some enjoyment outta the fact that she's gonna die when they have to listen to her pseudo-intellectual ramblings of the crap that is the Wiccan faith. She was kind of cute. Although the chick who shoulda been running around topless for half the film was the goth."

"Oh? Did you like her, Deathy? Or was it just her secondary and third assets you were admiring?"

"Yeah, you better believe those were all I was admirin'. Fuckin' Pillsbury Dough Girl. Here's another unbelievably obnoxious and annoying female type that really needed a disemboweling pretty badly. She was hot but I gotta say I'm sick to death of seein' these Hollywood Goth stereotypes. Why don't they have real Goth chicks in these roles? Pale, pushing chubby (if not downright obese), mascara wearing geeks. It's just like the Hollywood fantasy of the Lipstick Lesbian. If they exist, they're rarer than Bigfoot."

"Death Rock, why would you argue for Hollywood to replace this girl, Kim, with a fat girl?"

"Hmm, you're right, Alice. I ain't thinkin' straight. These chicks and they're fake shit have got my mind all fucked up. Actually, she and her chest were perfect for this role. Although I still think she shoulda been the naked one."

"And your other three problems, Deathy?"

"Those other three people, of course. Two homo guys, one who gets way too much naked ass time, and the unattractive, sweater wearin', pregnant chick. This movie woulda worked much better if they had filled the scenes with beautiful, half-naked chicks camping and partyin'."

"Didn't you at least think the movie was scary? I found their use of audio truly spine-tingling. The children's voices in the hospital when the apparition of the Treacle girl first appears scared me quite to death, Deathy."

"That was kinda creepy. But the scares in this thing were worse than the first one. In the first one, we don't know what's happening and never really find out. There aren't any big scares but the tension and suspense remain high throughout the flick. Not a great scare but a decent enough tactic and pretty original. This one we got no idea what happened and just get the standard Hollywood build up of tension and then a loud noise to top it off. Big fuckin' deal. An owl through a window, a bridge collapsing, rock in a van window, children appearing out of nowhere. It's all standard stuff."

"But the ending wasn't standard, was it?"

"Heh, you gonna spoil the flick now, Babe? You know we always do."

"I guess it's not that big a deal. I just like to try and be nice. But the ending is quite different, didn't you think? In the typical horror/slasher genre, we follow the story of the victims. In this one, unbeknownst to us (and them), we our following the story of the murderers."

"I can't say that's really a new thing. I'm pretty sure one of the Friday the 13ths and possibly one of the Nightmares did something like that, where the murderer was really one of the main people and they didn't realize it until the end. Maybe I'm wrong. It didn't seem fresh and new. It was just confusing."

"Yes, I'd have to say it was confusing also. Was what was on the tapes what really happened? Or did things happen as we saw them and the victims experience them? Or were the tapes messed with by the supernatural presence of the Blair Witch?"

"And what the hell was up with the fuckin' disappearing tree? What was that supposed to be? The witch? Man, if I'm gonna be confused by a movie, I want it to be cause the movie is all artsy and over my thick head. I don't want it to pretend to be mysterious when it really isn't sure what's going on itself."

"Maybe if we saw it again, we'd understand it better, hunh Deathy?"

"You really wanna go see this thing again? Now, if that Goth chick got all naked and wet, I'd be there in a Dukes 'a Hazzard minute, Babe. But I don't know if I can sit through that Wiccan chicks rantings a second time."

I can talk my man into anything."Aww, but Deathy! I can cling to you again and hide my head in your lap. Don't you like it when I'm scared and needing to be near you?"

I guess I can get wasted durin' the flick if it's gonna lead to a round of clam slapping."Well, if the movie gets me laid, I guess I can stand another go."

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