This letter goes back to when No Apologies! Press was dealing in actual paper. We also charged. It was cool. We made money. We also made no corrections to it. All mistakes are those of the author.
Now let me see, this is September, my subscription started last December and... I just got number six? What the fuck? Now, did that subscription form say, 12 issues or 12 months? Or did it say, 12 issues or 12 months, whichever comes first? What is this, a rip-off? [So, you read the 'zine--LHHF] Where the hell is the rest of the rags, I mean Mags I paid for? [Boy, the punctuation in this letter is awful. Let me just skip ahead a bit. Fuck the first amendment.] And who the hell's this Chum Cum Lately, Discotheque? [Well, being a privately run business, we have the right to hire or fire anybody at any time. Discotheque would be a new person on staff.] Ass full of shit? [Chum Cum Lately?] No wonder the poor thing don't laugh, probable skipped the state after that one. [Actually, everywhere but the south ends 'probably' with a Y.] And don't be picking on Doom Bunny, you guys can't have that many friends. [How many friends can we have? Anyway, Doom Bunny isn't our friend. He's a business partner.] That Disco dude didn't say how you emptied coffee shops! [Actually, Discotheque did.] Don't think your reading public (how many people make up a public [Umm...five?]) can't read the fine print in your art work either. [There's fine print in our artwork? I gotta get me a lawyer!] You guys live in basements or what? Take away your power books, your spell checks, your computer graphics, what ya got? Furniture movers! [It seems somebody already took your spell check.]
I DEMAND MY MAGAZINES! I'LL TAKE YOU TO COURT! I'LL GET A LAWYER! HELL, I'LL GET SEVERAL LAWYERS!
In California, all you got is lawyers. [In the deep south, all you got is grammar errors.] Sue, sue, sue. [Whine, whine, whine.] Anybody down there work for a living? And smoking, what about smoking in that fucking state. [And proper punctuation? What about proper punctuation in your letter?] Can't smoke in a restaurant, can't even smoke in a dam bowling alley [Wouldn't you get wet?], that's fucking un-American. [I agree. It's American if you don't give a damn about anybody else's health.] And how come on an airplane they always say, "This is a no smoking flight, and tampering with the smoke detectors in the lavatories is a federal offense." Offense my ass, why don't they just come out and say, "We know you smokers are low lifers that fuck with airplane equipment!!!" [Yeah, why don't they say that? And by the way, why are you asking US about smoking in California?] Some people couldn't get a pencil out their ass at a tractor pull. [And you were bitching about the 'funky shit-filled ass' line?] Now they have gone too far. Can't smoke in a Bar? Who the fuck they think goes to bars? Drunks, that's who. How many drunks you know that don't smoke. [Besides me, Doom Bunny and Upright.] Makes you wish the "smokers" were coming! Viva Valdes!!! [So, you're a coffee drinker too, hunh? And what's with the vague Waterworld reference?]
Anyway, don't try to change the subject on me. [Sorry.] I was talking about my subscription. At this rate, I'll be an old man before I get all 12 issues. [We were hoping you'd be dead and we wouldn't have to send the rest.] I demand an explanation. I demand an APOLOGY. [Okay! I apologize to all our intelligent readers for printing such a poorly organized and poorly written letter. But it's the only one we received!]
Old Fart Hippie Freak