CREEPY CALIFORNIA CRISIS

Wednesday, August 6, 7:59 AM PST

Two-Time Lesbian Converter Ben Affleck Sets Eyes on Governor's Mansion

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

HOLLYWOOD -- Riding high on a wave of popularity after turning not one but two lesbians straight on the silver screen may not be enough for actor Ben Affleck: Reports from Hollywood insiders indicate he may take a stab at the California governor's office.

"Dude, anyone who can get a dyke to say 'It's turkey time, gobble gobble' just before poppin' it in her has got to be The Dude, dude," Chris Wittshirk of Santa Cruz said.

While it appears that everyone in the Golden State is about to run for governor, Wittshirk isn't the only one to think highly of Affleck.

Of the undeclared gubernatorial candidates for California's first recall election, the Hollywood heart throb leads runner-up Arnold Schwarzenegger by double digits.


Record Speaks for Itself
Affleck first caught many voters' attention as Holden in 1997's "Chasing Amy," in which he makes Lesbian Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) fall helplessly in love with him. In "Gigli," currently in theaters, he plays the title role who beds Lesbian Ricki (Jennifer Lopez).

The actor's wily way of bedding women who play for the other team have warmed the hearts of many Californians, including hundreds of one-time lesbians.

"It's about time a two-time lesbian converter stood for California's highest office," declared Ursula Rollerston of San Francisco. "If Ben wants to become a three-timer, all he needs to do is call me at 415-555-6513."


The Right Time to Run?
Despite Affleck's popularity, gossip columnists debated whether a recall election is the best time for Affleck to run for governor.

"YES IT IS!" Harry Knows of Aint-It-Rad-News.com stated. "Women -- whether gay or straight -- are a finicky lot! What happens if Tobey Maguire starts flipping lebians in the next Spidey flick? Affleck needs to act now! Yowza!"

Others disagreed.

"Well, I think Ben had been waiting for a regular election year," said E! Online's Wendy of "Watch With Wendy" fame. "That would give him time to make a third lesbian-converter film, which would make him a near-god in most people's eyes."

Many believe a third lesbian-conversion movie would give Affleck more than just a hat-trick.

"The first time Ben made a dyke take the right at Straight Street, she was an unknown, while J.Lo's the biggest ass on the scene," said Hollywood Reporter's Clive Cophey. "A third movie requires Affleck to top previous efforts so that he builds on his success, like converting all of San Francisco or something."

"But I definitely agree with Wendy -- no American voting public could resist a three-timer," Cophey added.

 

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