INTERNATIONAL

Wednesday, April 14, 10:58 AM PST

Pentagon: Aliens Behind Recent Iraqi Violence

by Tucker H. Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon, changing its story yet again regarding the escalation of violence in Iraq, announced today that the recent wave of attacks in Fallujah and other Iraqi cities is the work of alien insurgents from outer space.

"We think they're from Pluto," Defense Secretary Rumsfeld explained at a press conference early this morning. "Possibly Phobos."

Since the fall of Baghdad, the government has blamed several groups for the continuing attacks that Iraqis are inflicting against their occupiers, but never an extra-terrestrial entity.

For example, shortly after Saddam Hussein went into hiding, the violence was blamed on "a handful of Sunni resistors" loyal to Saddam Hussein.

Then, as the violence increased over several months, the Pentagon announced that "a thousand or so foreign insurgents" had slipped through Iraq's porous borders from Syria and Iran.

Two weeks ago, Rumsfeld and other Pentagon brass were quick to blame the violence on "several thousand followers of Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr." Since that time, the violence has only escalated, forcing the Pentagon to revise its story yet again.

"Our recent intelligence has indicated that space aliens have slipped into Iraq, maybe 10,000 or 20,000 of them," Rumsfeld announced. "It is these aliens that are behind the recent violence and atrocities, and we will get rid of them. We will stand firm."

"Listen, that Sheik al-Sadr fellow can't possibly have this many followers," he added. "And there can't possibly be that many Shiites willing to join his cause against the U.S. -- the Shiites hate Saddam and love the U.S. for toppling him."

What seems most unusual about the alien insurgents is that they look just like Iraqis who have abandoned their advanced technology for AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades.

"Look, I don't know why these guys have joined the fighting all of a sudden!" Rumsfeld screamed when asked why space aliens would do that.

"Why do people blow themselves up on a bus in order to kill a dozen others? Why are combatants kidnapping civilian contractors? Why are aliens dressing like Iraqis and taking up arms? These are all questions I can't answer."

If violence continues to escalate into the spring, and the numbers of resistance fighters increases into the hundreds of thousands, the Pentagon is preparing to announce that the alien insurgents have begun cloning themselves.

The Pentagon is still working on a response in case that number grows into the millions.

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