14, 10:58 AM PST
Pentagon: Aliens Behind Recent Iraqi Violence
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon, changing its story yet
again regarding the escalation of violence in Iraq, announced
today that the recent wave of attacks in Fallujah and other Iraqi
cities is the work of alien insurgents from outer space.
"We think they're from Pluto,"
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld explained at a press conference early
this morning. "Possibly Phobos."
Since the fall of Baghdad, the
government has blamed several groups for the continuing attacks
that Iraqis are inflicting against their occupiers, but never
an extra-terrestrial entity.
For example, shortly after Saddam
Hussein went into hiding, the violence was blamed on "a
handful of Sunni resistors" loyal to Saddam Hussein.
Then, as the violence increased
over several months, the Pentagon announced that "a thousand
or so foreign insurgents" had slipped through Iraq's porous
borders from Syria and Iran.
Two weeks ago, Rumsfeld and other
Pentagon brass were quick to blame the violence on "several
thousand followers of Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr." Since
that time, the violence has only escalated, forcing the Pentagon
to revise its story yet again.
"Our recent intelligence
has indicated that space aliens have slipped into Iraq, maybe
10,000 or 20,000 of them," Rumsfeld announced. "It
is these aliens that are behind the recent violence and atrocities,
and we will get rid of them. We will stand firm."
"Listen, that Sheik al-Sadr
fellow can't possibly have this many followers," he added.
"And there can't possibly be that many Shiites willing to
join his cause against the U.S. -- the Shiites hate Saddam and
love the U.S. for toppling him."
What seems most unusual about
the alien insurgents is that they look just like Iraqis who have
abandoned their advanced technology for AK-47s and rocket-propelled
"Look, I don't know why
these guys have joined the fighting all of a sudden!" Rumsfeld
screamed when asked why space aliens would do that.
"Why do people blow themselves
up on a bus in order to kill a dozen others? Why are combatants
kidnapping civilian contractors? Why are aliens dressing like
Iraqis and taking up arms? These are all questions I can't answer."
If violence continues to escalate
into the spring, and the numbers of resistance fighters increases
into the hundreds of thousands, the Pentagon is preparing to
announce that the alien insurgents have begun cloning themselves.
The Pentagon is still working
on a response in case that number grows into the millions.
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!
The New News:
Satire for the Unwashed Masses