4:59 PM PST
Terrorists Screwing With American Idol
HOLLYWOOD -- The entertainment industry was up
in arms yesterday after the FBI revealed that hidden Al Qaeda
terrorist cells have skewed the phone-in and text-messaging voting
results for American Idol, Fox Television's hit talent show,
for over two years.
FBI's entertainment unit, based in Los Angeles, first suspected
terrorist influence during the hit show's second season. It subsequently
traced millions of votes back to people of Arabic persuasion.
"The plot was pretty easy
to see through, really," FBI Director Robert Mueller said.
"In the first season, the prettiest and most talented people,
Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini, were the top two. Next season,
we got fatman Ruben Studdard and complete-geek Clay Aiken."
"Those results just don't
reflect America's natural inclination," Mueller added.
However, the case against terrorists
remained unproven for nearly an entire year.
It wasn't until the results of
World Idol -- in which Idols from around the world compete for
the No. 1 spot -- that the FBI saw a pattern. German Idol Alexander
Klaws, universally despised by the rest of the planet for his
lame cover of "Maniac" and too-gay dancing, was a hit
among the Arab countries.
Then, as the third season of
the show opened up to public voting, some extremely bad and untalented
performers -- such as Camile Velasco and Matt Rogers in Week
2 -- moved on to the next round.
Mueller said that it was at that
point the FBI felt justified in moving against hundreds of Middle
Eastern immigrants and visitors. A sting operation roped in a
"It is too true, it is too
true," confessed Ali Boyaud of Egypt, one of the Arabs caught
in the sting, on video tape. "I hit redial all the time
for Clay. Clay, I think he's sooooo good. Real class act
and sweet to look upon, like angel, yes."
The FBI found three auto redialers
connected to several phone lines in Boyaud's house. Mueller refused
to comment when asked if Boyaud was a proven Al Qaeda agent,
but did say that he was now detained in Guantanamo Bay.
In an unrelated matter, NBC is
accusing terrorists of skewing the vote results for its "Friends
Favorites" campaign, in which anyone can vote for the repeat
they'd like to see that week.
"A large segment of so-called
voters keep voting for the Monica-wearing-a-turkey-on-her-head
episode, which only someone of a terrorist inclination would
think is funny," NBC spokesperson Nick Hausanga said.
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