Wednesday, August 27, 6:08 AM PST

Supreme Court Rules Ashcroft's Anal Probings Unconstitutional

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court handed the Bush Administration a setback in its campaign against terrorism today, ruling that law-enforcement officials could no longer conduct "complete body searches" of citizens without just cause.

"Total Human Body Screening" (THUMBS) had called for police and federal agents to insert a variety of large, uncomfortable and beeping devices into millions of bodily orifices to seek out weapons of mass destruction.

Attorney General John Ashcroft, currently touring the nation to defend the invasive Patriot Act -- under which THUMBS was enacted -- called the court's decision "unfortunate."

"In the fight against terrorism, this nation, in its efforts to free itself from tyranny's grasp, must as a people collectively make sacrifices, leaving room for redefinitions of privacy and comfort in order to secure our freedom from fear," Ashcroft intoned.

Marion Blakey, the FAA Administrator, was more forthright in her assessment.

"There's a lot of crap you can hide in a rectum," Blakey said. "As far as the FAA is concerned, most Americans enjoyed knowing they could fly without someone's ass suddenly blowing their shit out of the sky."

Happy People
Despite the government's unhappiness with the ruling, reactions weren't mixed -- all across the nation, jubilant Americans seemed utterly relieved that the government would no longer impale their buttocks.

"You can tell Asscroft where he can stick his THUMBS," said one citizen who remains anonymous for fear that Ashcroft may send stormtroopers to terrorize her family and friends.

"My ass's been prodded so many times, you can park a car in it now," said John Smith of New York City. "Once my hemorrhoids stop bleeding, anyway."

Scalia Still Scalia
Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy described THUMBS as "not only unconstitutional, but probably against every notion of human rights ever conceived."

Kennedy also indicated that many other provisions in the Patriot Act -- such as breaking into someone's home without a warrant -- were probably unconstitutional as well.

In his scathing dissent, Justice Antonin Scalia depicted the majority ruling as "completely pussy" and "so faggy, it's totally gay," adding that the idea of human rights "is basically a French concept anyway, which makes it even more gay and more pussy."

Justices William Rehnquist and Clarence Thomas joined Scalia in his dissent.



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