27, 6:08 AM PST
Supreme Court Rules Ashcroft's Anal Probings
by Brent the Johnson,
D.C. -- In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme
Court handed the Bush Administration a setback in its campaign
against terrorism today, ruling that law-enforcement officials
could no longer conduct "complete body searches" of
citizens without just cause.
"Total Human Body Screening"
(THUMBS) had called for police and federal agents to insert a
variety of large, uncomfortable and beeping devices into millions
of bodily orifices to seek out weapons of mass destruction.
Attorney General John Ashcroft, currently
touring the nation to defend the invasive Patriot Act -- under
which THUMBS was enacted -- called the court's decision "unfortunate."
"In the fight against terrorism, this
nation, in its efforts to free itself from tyranny's grasp, must
as a people collectively make sacrifices, leaving room for redefinitions
of privacy and comfort in order to secure our freedom from fear,"
Marion Blakey, the FAA Administrator, was
more forthright in her assessment.
"There's a lot of crap you can hide
in a rectum," Blakey said. "As far as the FAA is concerned,
most Americans enjoyed knowing they could fly without someone's
ass suddenly blowing their shit out of the sky."
Despite the government's unhappiness with the ruling, reactions
weren't mixed -- all across the nation, jubilant Americans seemed
utterly relieved that the government would no longer impale their
"You can tell Asscroft where he can
stick his THUMBS," said one citizen who remains anonymous
for fear that Ashcroft may send stormtroopers to terrorize her
family and friends.
"My ass's been prodded so many times,
you can park a car in it now," said John Smith of New York
City. "Once my hemorrhoids stop bleeding, anyway."
Scalia Still Scalia
Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy described THUMBS
as "not only unconstitutional, but probably against every
notion of human rights ever conceived."
Kennedy also indicated that many other
provisions in the Patriot Act -- such as breaking into someone's
home without a warrant -- were probably unconstitutional as well.
In his scathing dissent, Justice Antonin
Scalia depicted the majority ruling as "completely pussy"
and "so faggy, it's totally gay," adding that the idea
of human rights "is basically a French concept anyway, which
makes it even more gay and more pussy."
Justices William Rehnquist and Clarence
Thomas joined Scalia in his dissent.
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