Wednesday, July 9, 4:28 PM PST

Coulter Brands Christ a Traitor in "Treason"

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW YORK CITY -- Citing his propensity to forgive enemies, heal the sick and give the poor a chance to find salvation in Heaven, Ann Coulter has identified Jesus Christ as a "traitor to the United States" in her new book, "Treason" (CPG).

Coulter takes exception with many of Christ's teachings -- especially his ideas on forgiveness.

"Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America," Coulter writes.

"Jesus said, 'Whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.' So should we allow Saddam slap us around and not punish him? This communista seems to think so. "

She adds, "Hey Jesus! When it comes time to turn cheeks, you go ahead and lift your skirt and get your pansy ass spanked while you bleat like a fatty-fat liberal girly-girl. Meanwhile, the men -- and I don't mean to limit that to the biological sense -- will take care of business while you traitors scream and whine for UN-flag cupcakes like the bitches you are. Bitch."

While the always-contentious writer has long punished anyone who doesn't fully embrace her narrow vision of a reactionary-ruled country -- to the delight of many stupid people -- this latest accusation has even some of her hardcore fanbase asking questions.

"How can you say Jesus was a traitor?" wondered Abbeline Brown of Encinitas, CA, who had a copy of Coulter's "Slander" signed by the author in September.

"Isn't that like saying Elvis was a pinko turncoat?"

Like Lemmings Leaping From Cliff of Critical Thought
Many among her readership, however, have embraced Coulter's message.

"Ann Coulter is right! She is never wrong! She is the only history and politics and culture-like writer I ever read, because she's the only one that's not lying!" Jason Cade of Indianapolis declared.

"She says JC is a commie? That's good enough for me!" said Scott Borland of Boise, Idaho. "I was sick of paying tithes to the church anyway, and all their pansy-ass 'give to the poor' volunteer work that gay pastor wants us to do. Christians are basically Jews, anyway."

"Besides, Ann is hot! She is smoking hot!" Borland added.

Other Coulter diehards concurred.

"Dudes, we can all agree on one thing: Ann Coulter is smoking!" stated Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron in an email interview.

"Everyone -- liberals and conservatives -- agrees that chick is a hotty. She is freeking hot. I love her mug when she hasn't eaten in a month, and her elbows can stab me in the eyes any day of the week!! I challenge anyone to deny the FACT that Coulter is a complete and total hottie!"

"If you do, you must be a total communist faggot," Lay added.

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