9, 7:59 AM PST
Judge Rules Arab-Americans Definitely
More Arab Than American
ALEXANDRIA, Va. -- In another victory for Attorney General
John Ashcroft and the Bush White House, two U.S. citizens of
Arab descent were convicted today for being more Arab than American,
and therefore probably terrorists.
The ruling follows on the heels
of another made four days ago in the same courthouse, in which
three citizens were found guilty of conspiracy to commit terrorism.
Federal prosecutors had charged
that the men -- Faruk Jones, 23, and Marcus Mamoud, 24 -- were
more likely than other citizens to disrupt the peace within the
homeland with "car bombs and airplane hijackings."
"They were turbans. They
don't eat pork. It's obvious, just look at them," said Anthony
L. Whiting, the government's lead prosecutor. "We must therefore
protect the interests of the many by destroying the few who may
want to harm the us. Er... the U.S."
The presiding judge, Norquist T. Pheldon,
"In the case before me,
I must weigh the evidence, and the evidence before me is the
fact of two U.S. citizens, who also are presumably followers
of the pagan religion, Islam. One fact outweighs a one presumption,
and if they were only Muslims, I would have to rule against the
government. But, one fact may be more factual than another fact,
and my eyes do not lie -- thus I must conclude that these members
of the Arab race are definitely Arabs but not necessarily citizens,"
"I therefore find that,
in light of the present condition of this country, which must
battle for order within the U.S. as well as without, that said
Arabs Americans are more Arab than Americans."
In delivering his ruling, Pheldon
also ordered all citizens, media outlets and dictionaries to
hereon out call such people "American Arabs" instead
of "Arab Americans" when referring to Arab Americans
because "the noun, representative of reality, is 'Arab,'
while 'American' is really an adjective which endeavors to color
and distort that reality."
"Listen, the judge called
it right -- even if they weren't terrorists, they were probably
thinking about being terrorists," said Whiting at
a press conference afterward.
Asked if the freedom to think
was at issue, Whiting responded, "Freedom to think? Who
ever said there was freedom to think? Do you think Arabs and
American Arabs are going to afford you the freedom to think?
Think again. They'll give you the freedom to blow up in an
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