Wednesday, October 22, 9:30 PM PST

Arnold's First Act as Governor: To Stop Groping So Many Women

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

HOLLYWOOD -- Arnold Schwarzenegger today provided the first details of his much anticipated plan to stopping the horrific amount of money hemorraging from California's coffers: Keeping his meaty mitts off the females as much as possible.

"First I want to thank you, the Californians, for making me the boss!" Arnold announced to cheering crowds.

"And now I will tell you one of many plans to revitalize the California we all love -- I have hired 10 assistants to intercede whenever I grope the woman too much."

The new staff positions will add 10 new jobs to the world's fifth-largest economy, and will help prevent billions of dollars being spent by the state to cover future grope lawsuits.

"I also pledge to you, the females of this state, that I will exercise the willpower of the bodybuilder and limit the groping of all the females to five or less per year!" Arnold continued.

"And let me tell you something -- thank you for giving me the great trust!" Arnold added.

Many people, Republicans and women alike, expressed hope for California's future.

"This is a man, a real man, a man's man with the political will and werewithal to see this great state of ours set to rights," effused Dick Franklin of La Jolla.

"It's just so great, so wonderful to see a real leader with a real plan about to occupy the Governor's Mansion again."

"Not like the unadulterated, undiluted evil that is ex-Governor Gray Davis," Franklin added, spitting. "I heard he and Saddam were partying like it was 1999 last night!"

Marianne Mondesi of Turlock, however, was just relieved her buttocks would probably not get crushed by the governor-elect's mighty grip.

"In a state with over 17 million females, there's a pretty good chance that my ass will not be broken by Arnold's ham fingers," Mondesi said, adding that she hoped that those five or less women who do get groped every year aren't hurt "too badly."

Besides announcing his self-imposed grope-moritorium, Arnold also briefly sketched out other policies to help solve California's budget problems, including blaming Indian gambling, labor unions and the previous administration for the state's woes.

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