24, 11:12 PM PST
Republican Attack Machine Flips Out, Kills
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A major blow was dealt to George W.
Bush's election efforts after the GOP revealed that its much-vaunted
Republican Attack Machine exceeded its parameters and "flipped
out" yesterday, killing nine people and injuring dozens
The two-ton machine -- created
by Halliburton, Enron, the NRA, Bechtel, Diebold and Boeing --
created various non-issues with which Republicans could smear
their Democratic opponents. It is still considered a prototype,
even though it had worked flawlessly in both the 2000 and 2002
of its career include creating the fiction that Al Gore claimed
to be "the inventor of the Internet," and portraying
Georgia Sen. Max Cleland (D) -- who lost an arm and both legs
in the Vietnam War -- as in cahoots with terrorist Osama bin
The success of the Republican
Attack Machine can't be ignored: Gore remains ridiculed for something
he didn't say, while Cleland subsequently lost his re-election
bid to Saxby Chambliss, who -- like many of his Republican counterparts
-- had avoided serving in Vietnam.
Concerns for Republican Attack
Machine's operational health had been raised in recent days as
the Bush White House, in an uncharacteristically impotent showing,
has failed to make its non-issues about Kerry stick in the public
"What the fuck is fucking
wrong with this fucking thing?!" Karl Rove, Bush's version
of Grima Wormtongue, demanded of Timothy Dyson, the departmental
head of the Republican Attack Machine's operators, just two weeks
ago. "That whole made-up affair with the intern should have
Dyson had indicated that Republican
Attack Machine was "grumpy" and "not as sharp."
His analysis seemed borne out as investigators reviewed tapes
of the machine in operation just before the malfunction:
"Give us something to cream
Kerry with, R.A.M.," Dyson can be heard demanding.
Republican Attack Machine suggests.
"Enh... we've been trying
it out, but Kerry's already said he'd only raise taxes on the
uber-rich," Dyson replies. "Try again."
Republican Attack Machine offers.
"No, Republican Attack Machine,
we already used that lie!" Dyson exclaims.
the machine continues, clearly flustered.
"No, you stupid fucking
idiot!" a clearly frustrated Dyson cries out. "Even
Republicans are saying Kerry's not weak on defense!"
roared Republican Attack Machine, at which point it began shooting
everyone in the room with various mounted machineguns supplied
by the NRA. Dyson was among the victims.
The machine remains holed up
in its White House office.
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