Tuesday, March 24, 11:12 PM PST

Republican Attack Machine Flips Out, Kills Nine

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A major blow was dealt to George W. Bush's election efforts after the GOP revealed that its much-vaunted Republican Attack Machine exceeded its parameters and "flipped out" yesterday, killing nine people and injuring dozens more.

The two-ton machine -- created by Halliburton, Enron, the NRA, Bechtel, Diebold and Boeing -- created various non-issues with which Republicans could smear their Democratic opponents. It is still considered a prototype, even though it had worked flawlessly in both the 2000 and 2002 elections.

Highlights of its career include creating the fiction that Al Gore claimed to be "the inventor of the Internet," and portraying Georgia Sen. Max Cleland (D) -- who lost an arm and both legs in the Vietnam War -- as in cahoots with terrorist Osama bin Laden.

The success of the Republican Attack Machine can't be ignored: Gore remains ridiculed for something he didn't say, while Cleland subsequently lost his re-election bid to Saxby Chambliss, who -- like many of his Republican counterparts -- had avoided serving in Vietnam.

Concerns for Republican Attack Machine's operational health had been raised in recent days as the Bush White House, in an uncharacteristically impotent showing, has failed to make its non-issues about Kerry stick in the public consciousness.

"What the fuck is fucking wrong with this fucking thing?!" Karl Rove, Bush's version of Grima Wormtongue, demanded of Timothy Dyson, the departmental head of the Republican Attack Machine's operators, just two weeks ago. "That whole made-up affair with the intern should have ruined Kerry!"

Dyson had indicated that Republican Attack Machine was "grumpy" and "not as sharp." His analysis seemed borne out as investigators reviewed tapes of the machine in operation just before the malfunction:

"Give us something to cream Kerry with, R.A.M.," Dyson can be heard demanding.

"KERRY-RAISES-900-BILLION-IN-TAXES," Republican Attack Machine suggests.

"Enh... we've been trying it out, but Kerry's already said he'd only raise taxes on the uber-rich," Dyson replies. "Try again."

"KERRY-CLAIMS-INVENTED-INTERNET," Republican Attack Machine offers.

"No, Republican Attack Machine, we already used that lie!" Dyson exclaims.

"KERRY-WEAK-WEAK-WEAK-ON-DEFENSE?" the machine continues, clearly flustered.

"No, you stupid fucking idiot!" a clearly frustrated Dyson cries out. "Even Republicans are saying Kerry's not weak on defense!"

"DOES-NOT-COMPUTE-DOES-NOT-COMPUTE!" roared Republican Attack Machine, at which point it began shooting everyone in the room with various mounted machineguns supplied by the NRA. Dyson was among the victims.

The machine remains holed up in its White House office.

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