NATION

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 3:33 PM PST

Inspired by Bush's Example, Soldiers Begin Abandoning Bases

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON D.C. -- The nation is on red alert tonight as American soldiers, following the example of their commander in chief, are shirking their duties at military bases around the world.

"Well, if Bush can do it and not get for tried for desertion and then be installed in the White House by the Supreme Court, why not me?" PFC Ricardo Morales said from his station at the Beer Can, a favorite bar of soldiers of Fort Lewis, Washington.

Thousands of soldiers, pilots and sailors apparently have reached the same conclusion, while a lesser percentage have also taken up snorting high-grade Colombian cocaine as well, saying Bush never denied that he ingested the illegal drug.

"This ain't no court o' law -- if you didn't do it, just say you didn't do it and we'll believe ya," said Lieutenant Albrecht Smith of the U.S. naval air facility in Atsugi, Japan, who appeared to be dealing with a case of the sniffles. "But I hope he don't -- this shits goooood, man... shit's freakin' goooood..."

The White House's reaction to the mass disappearance of military personnel from their bases has been rather subdued.

"We've never had so many kids walk off the job like this," George W. Bush said at a press conference. "But it's hard to be all 'Do as I say, not as I do' -- seems kinda hypocritical, ya know? And whatever I am, I ain't no hypocrite. I think."

Still, with military manpower down to its lowest levels since the Revolutionary War, the Pentagon is scrambling to fill in the gaps. Talks are already in progress with Halliburton -- which already does most of the country's noncombat work for the armed forces -- to provide "base security, merchant marines, foreign military pilots and occupation guards" during the crisis.

"Well, to tell the absolute truth, we've been talking with Halliburton about this kind of arrangement anyway," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disclosed this afternoon. "The private sector's just so much better than a volunteer force. Besides, Halliburton proved it could handle the job when they successfully laundered the Marines' underwear."

When asked if the soldiers who had abandoned their posts would be tried for being AWOL or desertion, Rumsfeld waved the question off with a chuckle.

"No, no... if we prosecuted every such case, we might be calling Dick Cheney 'Mr. President.' Wouldn't want to make things worse, would we? That man's an evil bastard."

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