25, 3:33 PM PST
Inspired by Bush's Example, Soldiers Begin
WASHINGTON D.C. -- The nation is on red alert tonight
as American soldiers, following the example of their commander
in chief, are shirking their duties at military bases around
if Bush can do it and not get for tried for desertion and then
be installed in the White House by the Supreme Court, why not
me?" PFC Ricardo Morales said from his station at the Beer
Can, a favorite bar of soldiers of Fort Lewis, Washington.
Thousands of soldiers, pilots
and sailors apparently have reached the same conclusion, while
a lesser percentage have also taken up snorting high-grade Colombian
cocaine as well, saying Bush never denied that he ingested the
"This ain't no court o'
law -- if you didn't do it, just say you didn't do it and we'll
believe ya," said Lieutenant Albrecht Smith of the U.S.
naval air facility in Atsugi, Japan, who appeared to be dealing
with a case of the sniffles. "But I hope he don't -- this
shits goooood, man... shit's freakin' goooood..."
The White House's reaction to
the mass disappearance of military personnel from their bases
has been rather subdued.
"We've never had so many
kids walk off the job like this," George W. Bush said at
a press conference. "But it's hard to be all 'Do as I say,
not as I do' -- seems kinda hypocritical, ya know? And whatever
I am, I ain't no hypocrite. I think."
Still, with military manpower
down to its lowest levels since the Revolutionary War, the Pentagon
is scrambling to fill in the gaps. Talks are already in progress
with Halliburton -- which already does most of the country's
noncombat work for the armed forces -- to provide "base
security, merchant marines, foreign military pilots and occupation
guards" during the crisis.
"Well, to tell the absolute
truth, we've been talking with Halliburton about this kind of
arrangement anyway," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
disclosed this afternoon. "The private sector's just so
much better than a volunteer force. Besides, Halliburton proved
it could handle the job when they successfully laundered the
When asked if the soldiers who
had abandoned their posts would be tried for being AWOL or desertion,
Rumsfeld waved the question off with a chuckle.
"No, no... if we prosecuted
every such case, we might be calling Dick Cheney 'Mr.
President.' Wouldn't want to make things worse, would we? That
man's an evil bastard."
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!