BUSINESS

Friday, Feb. 6, 5:51 PM PST

Bank One® Bears to Play in Preparation H® Stadium

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

CHICAGO -- The Bank One® Bears will be playing in Preparation H® Stadium next season, making Soldier Field the latest victim of corporate renaming in the Windy City.

The deal, struck between Wyeth Pharmaceuticals and the Chicago Park District, will pay out $500,000 per season to the cash-strapped city for the next 50 years. In return, Wyeth will have naming rights to the stadium and football field, plus first dibs on any "victory towels" the city may produce should the Bank One® Bears ever have a winning season again.

"We are extremely proud and privileged to contribute to the glorious legacy of the Bank One® Bears," announced Wyeth CEO Robert Essner announced yesterday at a joint press conference.

"Yeh," contributed Mayor Richard M. Daley.

"And we feel that our anal ointment -- not to be applied within the rectum itself, kids -- will best represent this great city, with its wonderful tradition of hearty, hefty and huge cuisine," Essner added.

"Yeh," Daley added.

The announcement follows close on the heels of another structure's renaming last week, when it was announced that Chicago's United Center would henceforth be called Ex-Lax® Arena.

"We are extremely proud and privileged to contribute to the glorious legacy of the Maalox® Bulls and the Blackhawks presented by Pepto-Bismo®," announced Novartis CEO Daniel Vasella announced last week at a joint press conference.

"Yeh," said Mayor Richard M. Daley.

"And we feel that our oral laxative -- not to be mistaken for chocolate, despite its delicious chocolaty taste -- will best characterize the great city of Chicago, with its amazingly rich, fried foods which also feature substantial portions," Vasella continued.

"ERF... Yeh," Daley added.

Daley refuse to respond to questions regarding the continuing talks between city hall and Johnson & Johnson, which many speculate may lead to the renaming of Chicago to "STAYFREE® Ultra Thin Maxi, Illinois."

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