Friday, Jan. 9, 11:38 PM PST

Mad Cow Scare Leads to Massive Belly Layoffs

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

OMAHA, Neb. -- Citing shortages that have caused overall production to go down, U.S. Bellies began laying off employees by the thousands of pounds in an effort to survive the latest "mad cow disease" scare.

"Layoffs are not our first choice," said Slab McCoy, CEO of U.S. Bellies. "But with Americans buying less and less beef every day, we're forced to confront the realities and economics of our situation -- demand for our product is way down."

The employees, however, are not going quietly.

"Oh sure, it's all about 'mad cow' now, but you know that's just a line of bullshit," said Fred Fatain, who received his pink slip yesterday. It's his third such slip in a decade.

"Five years ago it was all about 'Americans eating less and working out more,'" Fatain continued. "And 10 years ago, it's was 'Americans consuming less beef and more chicken.' I've heard it all."

Despite the ever-growing youth market -- whose bellies are larger now than at any time in world history -- the decline of American bellies has been an economic fact for more than 20 years, forcing U.S. Bellies to send jobs overseas in order to meet competitive demands.

"Used to be, a good round belly could be found on any red-blooded American, and that was because we could put red-blooded meat in 'em every night," said Gargantua Huge, a former U.S. Bellies employee who now works at McDonald's.

"Nowadays, you see all these rail-thin bastards with their perky butts running around and getting 'healthy' -- well, it just makes me sick," Huge continued.

"There ain't nothing healthier than fried-up ground beef which may or may not have remnants of infected spinal cord mixed into it, I'll tell you what," Huge added before this reporter could get away.

Carly Fiorina, the chairman of Hewlett Packard who was recently under fire for saying Americans demand too much compensation, was quick to defend U.S. Bellies' decision to lay off employees.

"There is no job that is America's God-given right anymore," Fiorina declared. "If these employees hadn't demanded healthcare coverage, a decent wage and a five-day work week, they might still be employed today."

"It's the fault of those poor slobs that they got laid off, just like it was the fault of my thousands and thousands of employees when they got the boot," she continued. "So, you know, fuck 'em."

"No, fuck you, Carly," said everyone else. "Fuck you forever!"

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