Friday, Jan. 9,
11:38 PM PST
Mad Cow Scare Leads to Massive Belly Layoffs
OMAHA, Neb. -- Citing shortages that have caused overall
production to go down, U.S. Bellies began laying off employees
by the thousands of pounds in an effort to survive the latest
"mad cow disease" scare.
"Layoffs are not our first
choice," said Slab McCoy, CEO of U.S. Bellies. "But
with Americans buying less and less beef every day, we're forced
to confront the realities and economics of our situation -- demand
for our product is way down."
The employees, however, are not
"Oh sure, it's all about
'mad cow' now, but you know that's just a line of bullshit,"
said Fred Fatain, who received his pink slip yesterday. It's
his third such slip in a decade.
"Five years ago it was all
about 'Americans eating less and working out more,'" Fatain
continued. "And 10 years ago, it's was 'Americans consuming
less beef and more chicken.' I've heard it all."
Despite the ever-growing youth
market -- whose bellies are larger now than at any time in world
history -- the decline of American bellies has been an economic
fact for more than 20 years, forcing U.S. Bellies to send jobs
overseas in order to meet competitive demands.
"Used to be, a good round
belly could be found on any red-blooded American, and that was
because we could put red-blooded meat in 'em every night,"
said Gargantua Huge, a former U.S. Bellies employee who now works
"Nowadays, you see all these
rail-thin bastards with their perky butts running around and
getting 'healthy' -- well, it just makes me sick," Huge
"There ain't nothing healthier
than fried-up ground beef which may or may not have remnants
of infected spinal cord mixed into it, I'll tell you what,"
Huge added before this reporter could get away.
Carly Fiorina, the chairman of
Hewlett Packard who was recently under fire for saying Americans
demand too much compensation, was quick to defend U.S. Bellies'
decision to lay off employees.
"There is no job that is
America's God-given right anymore," Fiorina declared. "If
these employees hadn't demanded healthcare coverage, a decent
wage and a five-day work week, they might still be employed today."
"It's the fault of those
poor slobs that they got laid off, just like it was the fault
of my thousands and thousands of employees when they got the
boot," she continued. "So, you know, fuck 'em."
"No, fuck you, Carly,"
said everyone else. "Fuck you forever!"
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