Wednesday, March 16, 9:59 AM PST

Bogeymen Capture Osama Bin Laden

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WESTERN PAKISTAN -- Facing possible extinction at the hands of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, bogeymen from all over the world stormed Osama bin Laden's headquarters last night, capturing the world's most wanted criminal in his night shirt.

"Who's there? I see you! Hello? MOMMEEEEEE!" a fearful bin Laden reportedly cried as The One Legged Man in the Basement closed in on him.

"We scared the living shit outta him!" roared The Monster Under the Bed, swigging a beer as the bogie men celebrated nabbing their man. "WOOOO!"

Under normal circumstances, bogeymen don't involve themselves with human affairs beyond "scaring the living shit" out of most kids and some adults.

But as more and more parents warn their children that "Osama will get you if you don't behave," as well as a rise in kids being more scared of bin Laden than The Hook Hand Man, bogeymen across the globe began fearing for their very survival.

"Fact of the matter was, bin Laden was terrorizing us," declared The Creature in the Closet, who led the bogeymen taskforce that apprehended the terrorist mastermind. "We couldn't afford to sit quietly and watch wannabes destroy our way of life, dig?"

The Bush White House, meanwhile, appeared less than enthused about the bogeymen's success, which marks a shift in the tradition of non-interference between humans and imaginary monsters.

"While it is a great relief to us that Osama is now out of the picture, we need to ascertain if, in destroying one threat, the bogie men have become another," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

"Ah, whatever," retorted The Guy Who Calls You on Your Own Phone When You're Alone at Home. "Everyone knows Bush wanted to capture Osama a couple weeks before the November presidential election to give his chances of election a kick in the ass. They're just bitter and wanna paint us as 'the new terrorists.'"

"New terrorists -- yeah, right," Shadowy Guy in the Dark Hallway added. "We been terrorizing you jerks for centuries."

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