Wednesday, March
16, 9:59 AM PST
Bogeymen Capture Osama Bin Laden
by Brent
the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
WESTERN PAKISTAN -- Facing possible extinction at the
hands of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, bogeymen from all
over the world stormed Osama bin Laden's headquarters last night,
capturing the world's most wanted criminal in his night shirt.
"Who's there? I see you!
Hello? MOMMEEEEEE!" a fearful bin Laden reportedly cried
as The One Legged Man in the Basement closed in on him.
"We
scared the living shit outta him!" roared The Monster Under
the Bed, swigging a beer as the bogie men celebrated nabbing
their man. "WOOOO!"
Under normal circumstances, bogeymen
don't involve themselves with human affairs beyond "scaring
the living shit" out of most kids and some adults.
But as more and more parents
warn their children that "Osama will get you if you don't
behave," as well as a rise in kids being more scared of
bin Laden than The Hook Hand Man, bogeymen across the globe began
fearing for their very survival.
"Fact of the matter was,
bin Laden was terrorizing us," declared The Creature
in the Closet, who led the bogeymen taskforce that apprehended
the terrorist mastermind. "We couldn't afford to sit quietly
and watch wannabes destroy our way of life, dig?"
The Bush White House, meanwhile,
appeared less than enthused about the bogeymen's success, which
marks a shift in the tradition of non-interference between humans
and imaginary monsters.
"While it is a great relief
to us that Osama is now out of the picture, we need to ascertain
if, in destroying one threat, the bogie men have become another,"
said Press Secretary Scott McClellan.
"Ah, whatever," retorted
The Guy Who Calls You on Your Own Phone When You're Alone at
Home. "Everyone knows Bush wanted to capture Osama a couple
weeks before the November presidential election to give his chances
of election a kick in the ass. They're just bitter and wanna
paint us as 'the new terrorists.'"
"New terrorists -- yeah,
right," Shadowy Guy in the Dark Hallway added. "We
been terrorizing you jerks for centuries."
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