Monday, July 19, 10:04 AM PST

An Unbiased Commentary on the Upcoming U.S. Presidential Election

by a Norwegian oil driller crazy on LSD,
NA!P NewsWire

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA -- The seals are approaching and the oil platform is located in the middle of the sea and the sea in the back of my mind with rainbow oil slicks drifting around in the fjords of my consciousness. I have new rubber boots that make sounds like a checkmate. The seals are black and smell like paisley. The urge to urinate is overpowering.

Fifty million people living inside the locked abominable transverse hypercubic appliance, manipulated by your gods and generals. Answer that one for me, Mr. Bush! Not that one but the other one, the one with the bijou jewellery in the fjords, manipulated by my father. The seals are biting my heels, Mr. Bush!

Is there a pattern here? Why is my neck all rubbery and turning itself inside out? Holy moly, look at all that mackerel!

Choo-choo! Here comes the gravy train loaded with that mandible herring, bound for the colonies. I left my new miners hat in the grey area. They come for you mostly at night, quiet and serene. Why are there no round triangles? Do I live here?

I reek of new mischief caused by the CIA and the mob, working together to liberate me of my thoughts. Left in an ice-filled bathtub somewhere in Oslo, my corpse will smell faintly of parking tickets and margarine. THERE WILL BE NO COMPROMISES, HILDA. Not this time.

The pine trees and the firs in the forest are conspiring to read my mind. Norweigian Wood knows all my secrets. Sven? Olaf? Where are you? So cold. We unfurl quietly in the night, like a flag; Democrats and Republicans working together to smash the fjords and eat the biscuit-like contents of my thoughts. But there is no "T" in "Oslo"! Ha! What is a Republican? What does a Democrat taste like?

The herring. Oh my God, it's full of herring. 

-- Transcribed from an original interview conducted by zer0

Comment in the forum
(no registration required)

Christian God Blames Retirement on Bad Luck, Gay Marriages

COMIC: Charlie the Chain-Saw Wants to Play!

The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2004, No Apologies! Press
The New News: Satire for the Unwashed Masses