Monday, July 19,
10:04 AM PST
An Unbiased Commentary on the Upcoming
U.S. Presidential Election
by a
Norwegian oil driller crazy on LSD,
NA!P NewsWire
SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA
-- The seals are approaching
and the oil platform is located in the middle of the sea and
the sea in the back of my mind with rainbow oil slicks drifting
around in the fjords of my consciousness. I have new rubber boots
that make sounds like a checkmate. The seals are black and smell
like paisley. The urge to urinate is overpowering.
Fifty
million people living inside the locked abominable transverse
hypercubic appliance, manipulated by your gods and generals.
Answer that one for me, Mr. Bush! Not that one but the other
one, the one with the bijou jewellery in the fjords, manipulated
by my father. The seals are biting my heels, Mr. Bush!
Is there a pattern here? Why
is my neck all rubbery and turning itself inside out? Holy moly,
look at all that mackerel!
Choo-choo! Here comes the gravy
train loaded with that mandible herring, bound for the colonies.
I left my new miners hat in the grey area. They come for you
mostly at night, quiet and serene. Why are there no round triangles?
Do I live here?
I reek of new mischief caused
by the CIA and the mob, working together to liberate me of my
thoughts. Left in an ice-filled bathtub somewhere in Oslo, my
corpse will smell faintly of parking tickets and margarine. THERE
WILL BE NO COMPROMISES, HILDA. Not this time.
The pine trees and the firs in
the forest are conspiring to read my mind. Norweigian Wood knows
all my secrets. Sven? Olaf? Where are you? So cold. We unfurl
quietly in the night, like a flag; Democrats and Republicans
working together to smash the fjords and eat the biscuit-like
contents of my thoughts. But there is no "T" in "Oslo"!
Ha! What is a Republican? What does a Democrat taste like?
The herring. Oh my God, it's
full of herring.
-- Transcribed
from an original interview conducted by zer0
