Tuesday, August
26, 7:21 AM PST
Dubya Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toy Box
by Brent "The Duke"
Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
LIVERMORE, CALIF. --
Bobby Henderson, 9, announced today that his recently acquired
"Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush" action figure
is absent without leave (AWOL) from its assigned place of duty
in Bobby's toy box.
If
true, this would mark the second time Bush deserted his post
in a time of war. The first such occurrence happened in 1972,
when Bush -- then a Texas Air National Guard reservist -- went
missing.
Reports indicate that the two lieutenant
colonels in charge of Bush's unit could not rate him because
he had not reported in for over a year.
The White House refused comment, but Pentagon
officials scrambled to respond to Bobby's allegations.
"First off, we don't even know what
happened the first time," Pentagon spokesperson Sierra Laurence
said.
"Just because Second Lieutenant Bush's
two commanding officers reported he wasn't there doesn't mean
he wasn't, you know, actually there."
"And just as we don't know what happened
then, we don't know what's happening with that doll now,"
Laurence added.
But Bobby appears to disagree with the
Pentagon's assessment.
"It's not a doll, it's an action figure!"
cried the youngster, who believes ten-year-old Tommy White from
down the street has taken the Elite Force Aviator toy. "Give
it back, you dirty Islamian!"
In a written statement, Tommy declared,
"Did not -- and even if I did, finders keepers!"
Pundits have pointed that desertion by
military personnel during a time of war is punishable by death,
but even his most rabid foes doubted Bush would ever answer for
his crimes.
"He'd have to be able to articulate
an answer first," said Berkeley resident Tomas Herdez, who
wore a big, multi-colored Rastafarian bag over his stinking,
waxed dreads, shaking his head and smirking as if he knew something
you didn't know but acting like you really should know because
it's really not that hard to understand the inconsistencies if
you'd just open your damn eyes and pay attention to the news
for more than a few seconds at a time, putting two and two together
and coming up with a -- gasp! -- logical conclusion.
Herdez looked like a hippy the entire time,
too.
Even discounting Herdez's smarter-than-you
take on a country that embraced a deserter as its president,
some believe Bobby may want to inflict some form of punishment
on his wayward doll.
His parents, however, think otherwise.
"Are you fucking kidding me? That
fucking thing cost us $40 plus tax." said Jason Henderson,
Bobby's father.
"Hey, maybe that's why we didn't punish
Bush that first time -- because he cost us millions of dollars
to train," Henderson conjectured.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPPY!" shouted
most Americans.
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