Tuesday, August 26, 7:21 AM PST

Dubya Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toy Box

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

LIVERMORE, CALIF. -- Bobby Henderson, 9, announced today that his recently acquired "Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush" action figure is absent without leave (AWOL) from its assigned place of duty in Bobby's toy box.

If true, this would mark the second time Bush deserted his post in a time of war. The first such occurrence happened in 1972, when Bush -- then a Texas Air National Guard reservist -- went missing.

Reports indicate that the two lieutenant colonels in charge of Bush's unit could not rate him because he had not reported in for over a year.

The White House refused comment, but Pentagon officials scrambled to respond to Bobby's allegations.

"First off, we don't even know what happened the first time," Pentagon spokesperson Sierra Laurence said.

"Just because Second Lieutenant Bush's two commanding officers reported he wasn't there doesn't mean he wasn't, you know, actually there."

"And just as we don't know what happened then, we don't know what's happening with that doll now," Laurence added.

But Bobby appears to disagree with the Pentagon's assessment.

"It's not a doll, it's an action figure!" cried the youngster, who believes ten-year-old Tommy White from down the street has taken the Elite Force Aviator toy. "Give it back, you dirty Islamian!"

In a written statement, Tommy declared, "Did not -- and even if I did, finders keepers!"

Pundits have pointed that desertion by military personnel during a time of war is punishable by death, but even his most rabid foes doubted Bush would ever answer for his crimes.

"He'd have to be able to articulate an answer first," said Berkeley resident Tomas Herdez, who wore a big, multi-colored Rastafarian bag over his stinking, waxed dreads, shaking his head and smirking as if he knew something you didn't know but acting like you really should know because it's really not that hard to understand the inconsistencies if you'd just open your damn eyes and pay attention to the news for more than a few seconds at a time, putting two and two together and coming up with a -- gasp! -- logical conclusion.

Herdez looked like a hippy the entire time, too.

Even discounting Herdez's smarter-than-you take on a country that embraced a deserter as its president, some believe Bobby may want to inflict some form of punishment on his wayward doll.

His parents, however, think otherwise.

"Are you fucking kidding me? That fucking thing cost us $40 plus tax." said Jason Henderson, Bobby's father.

"Hey, maybe that's why we didn't punish Bush that first time -- because he cost us millions of dollars to train," Henderson conjectured.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPPY!" shouted most Americans.


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