Friday, May 16, 3:39 AM EST

Bush Won't Run on Drug-Use, Desertion, Failed-Business, DUI Platform in Next Election

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- George W. Bush declared that he would adopt a whole new platform on which to campaign for a second presidential term, thereby abandoning the old platform that worked so well for him in the previous election.

"I tell you what, I'm done taking advantage of my past drug use, my inability to run a business successfully and my being a deserter of the armed forces during a time of war in my next election," Bush said at a press conference Wednesday morning.

"Yessir, that's right -- and I'm done bragging about my inexperience as a governor of a state in which the governor ain't of no account, too," he added.

Other accomplishments on which Bush won't run include being the first person with criminal record to assume the presidency.

When asked about whether or not Bush would pull out the sure-to-win DUI card again, Bush dismissed the idea.

"Yeah, that there DUI thing toward the end of the election, that was a good'un," Bush admitted. "It most probablarly put me over the top with the good judges who selectarated me as president."

"But I'm here to tell y'all here and now, right here, that I ain't gonna run for president on the strength of my past experiences with several failed businesses, the rampant drug-use I engagemated in as a younger man of 36, my complete disregardation for the rule of law as a deserter of the Texas Air National Guard, and yeah, I will not out pull out the DUI card at the last moment like before. You hear me?"

Skeptics skeptical
"Why on earth would Bush not do the things that got him selected by the Supreme Court again?" wondered University of Texas's Prof.Stephen Cade, head of the school's political science department.

"What a crazy, Fetal-Alcohol-Syndrome-inflicted son of a bitch," he added, shaking his head in disbelief.

Yet other political analysts found the move bold and invigorating.

"It's completely awesome, dude," opined Raymond Radcliffe, a member of the College Republicans. "See, Bush is like, totally gonna get the kids freakin' excited with all new stuff. Just like The Matrix Reloaded is gonna totally kick the first one's ass, broham. You just wait."

"THE NRA ROCKS!" Radcliffe added.

William Sapphire, conservative columnist for The New York Times, agrees.

"Bush has built up his resume over the past two years, and doesn't need to depend on the tried-and-true formula of drugs, drinks, desertion and business hi-jinks to get votes."

"Now, Bush has got a tanking economy, the biggest deficit in history following the greatest surplus, and backing away from promises to rebuild countries he's invaded -- what's not to like?" Sapphire said.

"Plus, you know, he's made the United Nations irrelevant, pissed off our allies and takes more vacation time than any other president, ever, " Sapphire continued. "Hell, the guy took nearly the entire month of August off before 9/11, creating one the greatest security lapses of all time."

"In a word, the man's a winner come next election. Americans just love this kind of stuff from the guy they pay to run the country."


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