Friday, May 16,
3:39 AM EST
Bush Won't Run on Drug-Use, Desertion,
Failed-Business, DUI Platform in Next Election
by Brent "The Duke"
D.C. -- George W. Bush declared that he would adopt a whole
new platform on which to campaign for a second presidential term,
thereby abandoning the old platform that worked so well for him
in the previous election.
"I tell you what, I'm done taking
advantage of my past drug use, my inability to run a business
successfully and my being a deserter of the armed forces during
a time of war in my next election," Bush said at a press
conference Wednesday morning.
"Yessir, that's right -- and I'm done
bragging about my inexperience as a governor of a state in which
the governor ain't of no account, too," he added.
Other accomplishments on which Bush won't
run include being the first person with criminal record to assume
When asked about whether or not Bush would
pull out the sure-to-win DUI card again, Bush dismissed the idea.
"Yeah, that there DUI thing toward
the end of the election, that was a good'un," Bush admitted.
"It most probablarly put me over the top with the good judges
who selectarated me as president."
"But I'm here to tell y'all here and
now, right here, that I ain't gonna run for president on the
strength of my past experiences with several failed businesses,
the rampant drug-use I engagemated in as a younger man of 36,
my complete disregardation for the rule of law as a deserter
of the Texas Air National Guard, and yeah, I will not out pull
out the DUI card at the last moment like before. You hear me?"
"Why on earth would Bush not do the things that got him
selected by the Supreme Court again?" wondered University
of Texas's Prof.Stephen Cade, head of the school's political
"What a crazy, Fetal-Alcohol-Syndrome-inflicted
son of a bitch," he added, shaking his head in disbelief.
Yet other political analysts found the
move bold and invigorating.
"It's completely awesome, dude,"
opined Raymond Radcliffe, a member of the College Republicans.
"See, Bush is like, totally gonna get the kids freakin'
excited with all new stuff. Just like The Matrix Reloaded is
gonna totally kick the first one's ass, broham. You just wait."
"THE NRA ROCKS!" Radcliffe added.
William Sapphire, conservative columnist
for The New York Times, agrees.
"Bush has built up his resume over
the past two years, and doesn't need to depend on the tried-and-true
formula of drugs, drinks, desertion and business hi-jinks to
"Now, Bush has got a tanking economy,
the biggest deficit in history following the greatest surplus,
and backing away from promises to rebuild countries he's invaded
-- what's not to like?" Sapphire said.
"Plus, you know, he's made the United
Nations irrelevant, pissed off our allies and takes more vacation
time than any other president, ever, " Sapphire continued.
"Hell, the guy took nearly the entire month of August off
before 9/11, creating one the greatest security lapses of all
"In a word, the man's a winner come
next election. Americans just love this kind of stuff from the
guy they pay to run the country."
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