Monday, July 21,
42:25 AM PST
CA 8th Graders Reading Below Prenatal
by Brent "The Duke"
SACRAMENTO, CALIF. -- Early results of statewide testing indicate
that reading skills of California's eighth-graders have dipped
yet again, and for the first time are below the national prenatal
Which is to say, they can't read at all. But due
to Iowa's efforts, the national prenatal reading-skills average
is just above zero.
"I can't say I'm much surprised,"
said Aaron Rather, currently of San Diego but originally from
Iowa. "Back when I was a fetus, I could read shit like 'corn'
and 'cornbread.' Easy shit."
"But that's more than your dumbass
teenagers can do," Rather added.
Comparing California's middle-school system
with Iowa's prenatal education isn't fair, according to California
teachers. They point out that Iowa has a small, homogenous population,
while California embraces more cultures than any other place
in the world, thereby presenting huge challenges to the state's
"Besides, there ain't nothin' to do
in Iowa, so they have time to teach Yet-Born Americans to read,"
said Julia Doyam, teacher at Buchser Middle School in Santa Clara.
"Shit, we gots lots to do!" protested
John Smith of Des Moines.
"...!" Tom Buckner, Smith's friend
and a fetus, agreed.
"You tell him Tom!" Smith replied.
"Shit man, the Buckeyes RULE, man!"
The real explanation, according to Tomas
Hernandez, Superintendent of Los Angeles School District, is
"The fact of the matter is that Iowa
is able to provide inter-uterine word projectors to each expectant
mother, while we can't afford to buy updated textbooks,"
California's eighth-graders were too busy
doing drugs or playing Xbox to respond to interview requests.
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