CALIFORNIA

Monday, July 21, 42:25 AM PST

CA 8th Graders Reading Below Prenatal Average

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SACRAMENTO, CALIF. -- Early results of statewide testing indicate that reading skills of California's eighth-graders have dipped yet again, and for the first time are below the national prenatal average.

Which is to say, they can't read at all. But due to Iowa's efforts, the national prenatal reading-skills average is just above zero.

"I can't say I'm much surprised," said Aaron Rather, currently of San Diego but originally from Iowa. "Back when I was a fetus, I could read shit like 'corn' and 'cornbread.' Easy shit."

"But that's more than your dumbass teenagers can do," Rather added.

Comparing California's middle-school system with Iowa's prenatal education isn't fair, according to California teachers. They point out that Iowa has a small, homogenous population, while California embraces more cultures than any other place in the world, thereby presenting huge challenges to the state's school system.

"Besides, there ain't nothin' to do in Iowa, so they have time to teach Yet-Born Americans to read," said Julia Doyam, teacher at Buchser Middle School in Santa Clara.

"Shit, we gots lots to do!" protested John Smith of Des Moines.

"...!" Tom Buckner, Smith's friend and a fetus, agreed.

"You tell him Tom!" Smith replied. "Shit man, the Buckeyes RULE, man!"

The real explanation, according to Tomas Hernandez, Superintendent of Los Angeles School District, is money.

"The fact of the matter is that Iowa is able to provide inter-uterine word projectors to each expectant mother, while we can't afford to buy updated textbooks," Hernandez said.

California's eighth-graders were too busy doing drugs or playing Xbox to respond to interview requests.

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