19, 11:22 AM PST
Gray Davis Stays In Office: "I Don't
NA!P NewsWire's Resident Crazy
CALIFORNIA TERRITORY -- In exchange for his position as governor, Gray
Davis has forfeited the U.S. statehood of California.
Davis spoke at a press conference outside
the recently merged Krispy Kreme/Starbucks Enfoodtainment Complex
in downtown Sacramento.
"This is not about an election,"
he said. "This is not about the Republican party. This about
Job security was the number one factor
in declaring California a territory, the first extraconstitutional
step in a process of secession from the Union.
"This act [of statehood forfeiture]
will stabilize our government at the highest level," Davis
added. "It will ensure that rolling blackouts will occur
in a timely and orderly manner. It will ensure that fiscal reports
will baffle the masses. In short, it will ensure that California
Representatives from Nevada and Arizona
cheered the move, which elevated their federal status from "Desert
Wastelands" to "Sunny West Coast Destinations"
According to the Arizona Convention and
Visitors Bureau (ACVB), Scottsdale will soon be declared the
"New Hollywood," building on its rich film-production
"Countless movies have been shot on
location in Scottsdale: Just One of the Guys, Raising Arizona,
Revenge of the Nerds. No, wait, that last one was in Tucson,"
said Fern Mackeral, a volunteer at ACVB.
When asked if any movies had been shot
in Scottsdale before or after the 1980s, Mackeral said he didn't
"We haven't updated our 3 x 5 cards
since [longtime volunteer] Eunice passed on. I think maybe so.
Wasn't The Field of Dreams shot here? Or am I thinking of that
other football picture?"
In a related story, the press corps attending
the press conference later admitted to "not realizing that
Sacramento had a downtown."
At the conclusion of his speech, Davis
assured that employment would remain a top priority in the administration
of the new territory.
"My fellow Mexicans, as provincial
baron-lord, I will see to it that no member of the ruling class
is ever without work again!" he concluded.
Television's Arnold Drummond had no comment.
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