14, 12:01 AM PST
Pedophilic Catholic Bishops Declare Voting
for Kerry a Sin
DENVER -- Bishops and archbishops of the archaic and backward
Catholic faith are informing their flocks that a vote for presidential
candidate John Kerry this November would be tantamount to committing
vote for a supporter of stem-cell research, a woman's right to
choose and anti-NAMBLA legislation is to go against the word
of the Church," explained Bishop Edgar McClure from his
Denver diocese yesterday.
"And if you do vote in a
way that's against the Lord, you ought to let us know before
getting Communion, because you may just go to hell. Or something.
Isn't that right, Toby?" McClure said, ruffling a naked
10-year-old altar boy's hair. "Who's my sweet 'ums?"
"Y-yes, sir..." Toby
Yet many otherwise reasonable
people who claim to be Catholic are complaining that the bishops'
stances are basically an endorsement for George W. Bush, a politician
who tramples on many otherwise important Catholic issues.
"Bush supports the death
penalty, supports policies that give to the rich and take from
the poor. And not only does Bush engage in war, but pre-emptive
war that spreads misery and death for no just cause," said
Ronald Meyers, a local Catholic. "The Church has taken strong
stands against all these policies, so why don't they say a vote
for Bush is a sin?"
"And why do they keep using
young boys as love puppets?" he added.
Catholic Church officials wouldn't
respond to any of our questions regarding such matters, however,
preferring to continue harping on positions that Sen. Kerry supports.
"Is it really moral to use
stem cells in a search for this thing you call 'health?'"
asked Bishop McClure, petting yet another naked young boy. "Health
is a product of man. If God had wanted you to have health, he
would have given it to you. Just yesterday, little Jonah here
had to confess that his mommy gave cough syrup. Didn't you, little
"Yes, s-sir... sniff!"
Jonah replied, wiping away tears.
Later that day, at a press conference
in downtown Denver, God had words of advice for the European
version of Voodoo.
"Any organization -- including
those purporting to know what I want because they've decided
their Pope is infallible (as if!) -- that knowingly protects
child rapists do not represent Me," God announced.
"Furthermore, such organizations
should know that not only will child rapists burn forever in
the fiery pits of Hell, but so shall those mortals who protect
the child rapists," He added.
God continued, "Any organization that begins sending its
assets into shell accounts in order to prevent victims of child
rapists from collecting awards from successful lawsuits should
be despised by Man and not suffered to exist."
"And finally, Goddammit,
child rapists and those who protect child rapists should not
have the temerity, audacity or nerve to lecture Americans
on how to vote."
"Jesus," God finished,
shaking his head.