SELECTION 2004

Thursday, September 14, 12:01 AM PST

Pedophilic Catholic Bishops Declare Voting for Kerry a Sin

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

DENVER -- Bishops and archbishops of the archaic and backward Catholic faith are informing their flocks that a vote for presidential candidate John Kerry this November would be tantamount to committing a sin.

"To vote for a supporter of stem-cell research, a woman's right to choose and anti-NAMBLA legislation is to go against the word of the Church," explained Bishop Edgar McClure from his Denver diocese yesterday.

"And if you do vote in a way that's against the Lord, you ought to let us know before getting Communion, because you may just go to hell. Or something. Isn't that right, Toby?" McClure said, ruffling a naked 10-year-old altar boy's hair. "Who's my sweet 'ums?"

"Y-yes, sir..." Toby answered.

Yet many otherwise reasonable people who claim to be Catholic are complaining that the bishops' stances are basically an endorsement for George W. Bush, a politician who tramples on many otherwise important Catholic issues.

"Bush supports the death penalty, supports policies that give to the rich and take from the poor. And not only does Bush engage in war, but pre-emptive war that spreads misery and death for no just cause," said Ronald Meyers, a local Catholic. "The Church has taken strong stands against all these policies, so why don't they say a vote for Bush is a sin?"

"And why do they keep using young boys as love puppets?" he added.

Catholic Church officials wouldn't respond to any of our questions regarding such matters, however, preferring to continue harping on positions that Sen. Kerry supports.

"Is it really moral to use stem cells in a search for this thing you call 'health?'" asked Bishop McClure, petting yet another naked young boy. "Health is a product of man. If God had wanted you to have health, he would have given it to you. Just yesterday, little Jonah here had to confess that his mommy gave cough syrup. Didn't you, little Jonah?"

"Yes, s-sir... sniff!" Jonah replied, wiping away tears.

Later that day, at a press conference in downtown Denver, God had words of advice for the European version of Voodoo.

"Any organization -- including those purporting to know what I want because they've decided their Pope is infallible (as if!) -- that knowingly protects child rapists do not represent Me," God announced.

"Furthermore, such organizations should know that not only will child rapists burn forever in the fiery pits of Hell, but so shall those mortals who protect the child rapists," He added.

"Furthermore," God continued, "Any organization that begins sending its assets into shell accounts in order to prevent victims of child rapists from collecting awards from successful lawsuits should be despised by Man and not suffered to exist."

"And finally, Goddammit, child rapists and those who protect child rapists should not have the temerity, audacity or nerve to lecture Americans on how to vote."

"Jesus," God finished, shaking his head.

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