5, 4:13 PM PST
CBS Cancels "The Truth," Civil
NEW YORK --
Conservative groups threatening boycott and civil war forced
CBS to shelve yet another controversial mini-series, "The
Truth," indefinitely. Yesterday, the television network
pulled the plug on "The Reagans."
The conservative protest was led by the
Republican National Committee (RNC), which threatened to boycott
advertisers supporting the programs, as well as to wage war against
"liberal terrorist states," such as California and
became clear that, were we to air either show, America would
fall into a state of civil unrest," read an unsigned statement
RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie downplayed the
threat to the Union, however.
"We just want a panel of experts to
preview, then edit out, liberal terrorists' propaganda,"
"Is that so much to ask?"
According to Gillespie, the panel would
consist of representatives of the pro-gun lobby, Moral Majority,
big business and "the average freedom-loving, life-loving
"The Truth," which promised in-depth analyses of news-making
events occurring in the last five years -- backed by evidence,
numbers and logic -- initially raised the ire of National Rifle
Apparently, the mini-series claimed that
tougher gun laws would have helped prevent the massacre at Columbine
High School in 1999.
"You can't shoot to kill if you don't
have something to shoot with," the show declares.
That statement, however, runs counter to
"Hell, any dimwit knows that it was
people, not automatic rifles and shotguns, that killed
thirteen students and a teacher with a few well-grouped burst
of bullets and/or pellets," announced NRA president Kayne
"CBS is just so lucky they pulled
them shows, because if they didn't, man, I'd be up to my knees
in liberalist blood," Robinson added.
Defense contractors started complaining
when it became apparent that "The Truth" would pronounce
the idea of a missile defense shield a "pipe dream,"
while big business worried that the show's step-by-step examination
of intricate tax-loophole strategies would wake Americans up
to the fact that corporations were ripping them off.
Meanwhile, The Pentagon also weighed in
against "The Truth" when it discovered that an episode
examined -- then discounted -- all the evidence that the White
House presented to justify an invasion of Iraq.
But CBS appeared to be sticking with "The
Truth" until the White House discovered the show would confirm
that Gore won the overall vote in Florida during the tumultuous
2000 election, thus technically winning the presidency.
It was at this point the RNC jumped into
"Need we drudge up the past again?"
Gillespie asked in a letter sent to 100 of CBS' top advertisers.
"In this time of war, time of terror,
time of insecurity, is it really in your customers' best interest
to be dissatisfied with the way the government is run? Help preserve
the Union -- please join me in not supporting the treasonous
stirrings of a renegade television network that threatens our
freedoms and your ability to do business in America."
Gillespie's letter ended with a chilling
"P.S. -- We have directed the Pentagon
to prepare for the coming civil war, mainly to be waged against
both coasts. If you'd like to contribute your company's work
force to the effort, please let us know."
Nationwide, a clear majority of Americans declared their relief
that CBS would not be broadcasting either "The Reagans"
or "The Truth."
"I'm just so very happy that CBS won't
be allowed to besmirch St. Reagan's image," said Doris Bonham
of Dawson, Ga. "I think this is a clear victory for freedom
"Damn, CBS near done flushed the Second
Amendment down the crapper," said Rick "Big" Belinchi,
proprietor of Big B's Bandoliers & Bullets, a gun store on
the edge of Houston.
"Tell you what -- that show rile up
enough folks, it woulda been civil war all over again,"
Karen Degrass of Mobile, Ala. agreed with
"Showin' them Hollywood lies woulda
right done teared this nation in half between the red states
and the blue fag-liberal states," Degrass declared.
Meanwhile, Shellie Silverstein of New York
expressed relief as well, albeit for a different reason.
"I'm just glad I'm not going to be
hunted through the ruins of Manhattan like a dog by a bunch of
inbred, flea-ridden rednecks sipping moonshine and playing banjos,"
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