POLITICS

Wednesday, Nov. 5, 4:13 PM PST

CBS Cancels "The Truth," Civil War Averted

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW YORK -- Conservative groups threatening boycott and civil war forced CBS to shelve yet another controversial mini-series, "The Truth," indefinitely. Yesterday, the television network pulled the plug on "The Reagans."

The conservative protest was led by the Republican National Committee (RNC), which threatened to boycott advertisers supporting the programs, as well as to wage war against "liberal terrorist states," such as California and New York.

"It became clear that, were we to air either show, America would fall into a state of civil unrest," read an unsigned statement from CBS.

RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie downplayed the threat to the Union, however.

"We just want a panel of experts to preview, then edit out, liberal terrorists' propaganda," Gillespie said.

"Is that so much to ask?"

According to Gillespie, the panel would consist of representatives of the pro-gun lobby, Moral Majority, big business and "the average freedom-loving, life-loving American."

TRUTH HURTS
"The Truth," which promised in-depth analyses of news-making events occurring in the last five years -- backed by evidence, numbers and logic -- initially raised the ire of National Rifle Association (NRA).

Apparently, the mini-series claimed that tougher gun laws would have helped prevent the massacre at Columbine High School in 1999.

"You can't shoot to kill if you don't have something to shoot with," the show declares.

That statement, however, runs counter to NRA principles.

"Hell, any dimwit knows that it was people, not automatic rifles and shotguns, that killed thirteen students and a teacher with a few well-grouped burst of bullets and/or pellets," announced NRA president Kayne Robinson.

"CBS is just so lucky they pulled them shows, because if they didn't, man, I'd be up to my knees in liberalist blood," Robinson added.

MORE COMPLAINTS
Defense contractors started complaining when it became apparent that "The Truth" would pronounce the idea of a missile defense shield a "pipe dream," while big business worried that the show's step-by-step examination of intricate tax-loophole strategies would wake Americans up to the fact that corporations were ripping them off.

Meanwhile, The Pentagon also weighed in against "The Truth" when it discovered that an episode examined -- then discounted -- all the evidence that the White House presented to justify an invasion of Iraq.

But CBS appeared to be sticking with "The Truth" until the White House discovered the show would confirm that Gore won the overall vote in Florida during the tumultuous 2000 election, thus technically winning the presidency.

It was at this point the RNC jumped into the fray.

"Need we drudge up the past again?" Gillespie asked in a letter sent to 100 of CBS' top advertisers.

"In this time of war, time of terror, time of insecurity, is it really in your customers' best interest to be dissatisfied with the way the government is run? Help preserve the Union -- please join me in not supporting the treasonous stirrings of a renegade television network that threatens our freedoms and your ability to do business in America."

Gillespie's letter ended with a chilling postscript:

"P.S. -- We have directed the Pentagon to prepare for the coming civil war, mainly to be waged against both coasts. If you'd like to contribute your company's work force to the effort, please let us know."

AMERICA RESPONDS
Nationwide, a clear majority of Americans declared their relief that CBS would not be broadcasting either "The Reagans" or "The Truth."

"I'm just so very happy that CBS won't be allowed to besmirch St. Reagan's image," said Doris Bonham of Dawson, Ga. "I think this is a clear victory for freedom of expression."

"Damn, CBS near done flushed the Second Amendment down the crapper," said Rick "Big" Belinchi, proprietor of Big B's Bandoliers & Bullets, a gun store on the edge of Houston.

"Tell you what -- that show rile up enough folks, it woulda been civil war all over again," Belinchi added.

Karen Degrass of Mobile, Ala. agreed with Belinchi's assessment.

"Showin' them Hollywood lies woulda right done teared this nation in half between the red states and the blue fag-liberal states," Degrass declared.

Meanwhile, Shellie Silverstein of New York expressed relief as well, albeit for a different reason.

"I'm just glad I'm not going to be hunted through the ruins of Manhattan like a dog by a bunch of inbred, flea-ridden rednecks sipping moonshine and playing banjos," Silverstein said.

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